Woven Cognition

Things have been looking up in my life lately. I really hope that holds true. I've returned to the world of Xbox Live. It's actually helping me feel better.

Today's my mom's birthday! I was gonna go with her to get my negatives from my senior picture shoot, then to visit my uncle, and to my aunt's but I was feeling sick. She just went with my dad. I couldn't get her much for her birthday, so I was just extra nice to her and made her a card. :D My mom wanted to have Pizza Hut for dinner, so my brother and I went and picked it up.

I know, nothing much has been going on in life. I'll update more later!

Contrary to what many believe.. they do exist. True that they're one in a million but I'm sure we encounter them every now and then. These people are some of the few reasons that many of the cynics can't completely give up on humanity. Some may even be able to restore your faith in it.

I know I've encountered a few of them and you gotta just stop and realize that there IS something going right for this place, that not everyone is a corrupt piece of shit. And I believe that that alone amplifies the refreshment you feel when you do see them. These are the kinds of people who should be running the world because they have a good head on their shoulders.

When you're barraged by an onslaught of people who are just seething with hatred, judgement and contempt, you can't help but be thankful for that one amazing somebody who comes around and sweeps you away from that like a superhero, or is even just there to remind you that all hope is not lost. They can be people who get caught up in your life and are there for you forever or even a random stranger who helps you out once whom you'll never see again. Of course it's a little sad when that happens, but you'll always be grateful to have crossed paths with them.

In the eyes of someone else, you could be the most spectacular person ever. Whether you know it or not. It could be for a big reason such as you saving them from a burning building or something so insignificant-seeming such as being seen by someone who finds you to be incredibly attractive and just brighten up their day by being seen by them. Someone could be having an exceptionally excrutiating day and could plan to make a bad decision to end it all and you just being there could make them smile and forget about it or stop believing there is no more reason to go on.

I speak from experience. Sometimes I had days where I could not go on. I would never kill myself but seeing that special guy just once gave me the strength to go on for the day. I'm so thankful that these people are who they are and they truly are beautiful. I hope that I get to meet more of these people and one of them I will end up spending my life with. I hope I can also be one of those kinds of people for someone else, too.

The day that the next beautiful human being walks into my life is the day I look forward to most.

I gotta say I've been having a pretty decent past couple of days. I've been relying heavily on YouTube to bring me up and YouTube delivered accordingly.

A large portion of my Sunday was spent doing some investigating on two men in particular who currently have my near devoted attention. Well, I had found a lot of information on both. Good information on one, bad information on the other. That's all I can really say for now. Oh, and that led me to witness "2girls1cup." Lmao. NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. WHen it comes to shit like that.. (pardon the pun) or anything kinky, I'm nowhere near being faint of heart. So I just laughed at it. XD

Brenda and I watched Big Brother 9 and afterwards my brother and I ran up to my uncle's house to feed the cats. Well, this visit was very bizarre. The door was pretty well frozen shut. The electricity wasn't working and the furnace was off. The house was freezing. When my brother tried turning on the lap, it flickered and shorted out. The fridge kept trying to start up but would quit. My brother went and messed with the circuit breaker. None of the circuits were tripped. He kept switching them and when he turned one of them OFF, the kitchen lights turned on very dimly. Then all of a sudden they lit up like the fucking sun. I thought the rest of the lights on the lamp turned on, but it was the same two that were dimly lit at first. I also thought a different switch made them brighter but that happened on its own. It was pretty weird and creepy being in a completely dark trailer. Some random asshole could have broken in there. I did hear some weird noises..

Anyway, I fed the cats, my brother told my mom what's going on and we left. The cats are fine and all accounted for. :D There are a number of things that could've happened. That stupid bitch "guardian" of his could have come and shut all that shit off, the shitty neighbors could've fucked with the fuses or someone else did, or the power lines are frozen, or the cold from the lack of an operating furnace has something to do with it.

I spent the rest of the night YouTubing. Mostly on Chris Crocker related videos. Man, there are some really unfortunate people in the world. I'd go into a huge rant right now, but I don't feel like it.

Douche Lawyer Matt came to inspect the house today. He only really glanced at the entry area, the kitchen, family room and the guest room where my uncle would be staying. Then him and my parents talked for the rest of the time. Apparently he's "nice" but still a douche. He's only 27..  And dammit, I fucking missed ATWT because of that! He didn't even bother going in my room. I guess I could've just watched it anyway. Whatever.

The rest of today was spent on YouTube. Chris Crocker is hilarious. He has some great videos that are funny and he proves a good point in some, too. Not all, some videos I don't agree with. Whatever. I also saw some videos of people who are just causing me to lose faith in humanity and this country and everything else ever so quickly.

If I could, I would become a loudmouthed video blogger and voice my controversial opinions to the world and make all those haters cry in shame. I'd challenge any stupid cocksucking basher to come up and try to beat me down. Then I'll laugh when they hit the pavement 'cause nobody schools me, I do the schooling around here. I never back down. You know, I become so humored when little assholes talk shit and think they're better than me or someone else. They try to talk you down and tell you you need to shut up and that they're better than you, that you don't know what you're talking about and that they're the authority on whatever the subject at hand is. But that's not the case at all. I do know what I'm talking about and I do know I'm better than the random shit talker. And no amount of their "educating" will cause me to deter from my opinion. Especially when I know I'm right.

Yeah, I know I have a boring life.

I know I've become a real asshole. I just have to say..

DEAL WITH THAT SHIT! >=D

Kay. Well, it's that time again. I think it's been a whole two days since my last tirade. Issue of the night? Gay bashing. I know I haven't bitched about this in a while. I had planned on yelling about Facebook but I'll save that for another time.

Let's not be general; this is strictly pertaining to YouTube. I fucking love YouTube, alright? What I fucking hate about it is the fact that there isn't an ignorance test that you have to pass to be eligible to use it. When I say "pass," I mean you prove your brain isn't starving for oxygen. I come across some of the most HATEFUL shit on YouTube pertaining to homosexuality whether it be in comments or even videos.

Now I just randomly stumbled upon a Chris Crocker video and it's relatively new, I believe. Already there's almost 5000 comments on there and most of them say shit like "You're seriously psychotic. You need help." It wasn't that legible, though. Let's see. His video was about his hair extentions. Psychotic? Need help? What the fuck? This usually comes from people who think it's Oh sO FuNnY aNd cLeVeR to make videos of themselves humping a Ronald McDonald statue or giving a rim job to a squirrel and put it on YouTube. I hardly think talking about hair extentions constitutes as psychotic, kiddos. It gets worse, people beg him to commit suicide. Man, I truly feel sorry for the parents of these kids.

Chris Crocker made a video addressing gay hate on the web and everywhere in the world for that matter and how the media likes to focus on him making that infamous "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE" video, but wouldn't shed a beacon of light on his videos talking about real issues. He was attacked on there by people saying he shouldn't advertise his sexuality and that people had the right to bash gay people. WHAT. THE. FUCK. My fucking god. I swear, these people are the biggest fucking retards ever.

People love to fucking make all these "I hate Chris Crocker" videos. These people are obviously never going to get laid and will end up having a shitty life. Just from looking at them, I hear "REJECT!" being screamed at me. When someone consistently pisses and moans about something they hate, it says a LOT about that person.

Finally, I came across one hate video that caught my eye in particular. It features this unfortunate looking child spouting off cuss words like he'd just learned them or like his mommy just gave him the go ahead to swear all he wants. I'd say this kid is 9, 10.. 12 tops. And that's pushing it. He sounds like a 10 year old girl and he's sporting some very manly earrings while the most idiotic shit comes out of his mouth. Saying he hates Chris Crocker because he likes boys and saying "you better not like me or I'll kick your ass!" Okay, kid. You're half his age. You can't do SHIT. If anything, Chris Crocker would kick YOUR ass. I just wanna beat the shit out of this kid. Everything about him makes me want to bash his little round head into the cement. If my kid EVER talked shit like that, I'd break his teeth and drop him off at the front steps of an adoption agency.

Ten year old says Chris Crocker needs to stop dressing and acting like a girl because he has "tentacles," not a "vergina." LMFAO. Seriously. I don't know about him but I don't have tentacles. I'm pretty sure guys have TESTICLES. But then again, this isn't a guy, it's some little brat who has no fucking business being on YouTube to begin with and needs to get his ass back in school. He says "I bet you have balls up your ass all day." Well, at least he's getting some. Unlike you.

The best part comes last, "I don't know how the fuck you can't love vergina. But that shit is so good. Vergina tastes like a fucking sandwich, motherfucker." ROFLMFAO!! WHAT!? YEAH. RIGHT. I doubt he even knows what a vagina looks like or where its even located. The only way he'd ever had any vaginal action would be if he found a VERY desperate prostitute hanging around Toys 'R Us or somehow gave himself oral. I think it's fairly certain this douche will never get laid and will die a virgin.

Note how all this goes on while Hannah Montana plays in the background. LMAO. His dumbass older brother also plays into it in an earlier video. His brother is probably also not even in middle school.

The video received A LOT of video responses. All of them bashing him. Hahaha. Little brat probably bawled.  Serves the shithead right. Those videos bashing the ignorant little kid were awesome. It's good to know there are cool people in the world still.

Man, I have been feeling my stress catch up to me these past couple days. I've been really exhausted lately. It might be me forcing myself to change my sleep schedule to something more convenient, but I become unbearably exhausted by the time 9 rolls around and that's odd. I wake up at 8 - 10 AM.. Soo. I don't get that.

Wednesday was the big ol' twist for Big Brother. I was so excited to see what it was. But RIGHT when the show began, I fell asleep. BAH! My sleep pattern really loves to spite me. I missed about 40 minutes of it. But my mom taped it so I watched that part afterward. We ordered from Fox's 'cause they're amazing. The twist was pretty much what I envisioned and that's a good thing. Earlier, I randomly stumbled upon this Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on Newlyweds parody. It's so funny! I love Ashlee, and I'm pretty sure it's all in good fun. Not to be defamatory. But don't quote me on it. I SAID DON'T QUOTE ME, DAMMIT! Anyway, it's another thing I do to keep me from going back to the Dark Side™ as I have affectionately dubbed my negative moods.

Click. Click. Clicklcickclcicckclcckckck.

Damn the lack of embedding ability. I think the girl playing Ashlee looks so much like Jamie Lynn Spears.

I noticed that this change has caused me to have three new behaviors; mood swings, weird sleep patterns, and nonstop anger. You'll witness some of the latter in a later entry.

Next day was court. Luckily, I didn't have to go. But the hearing didn't go extraordinary. My mom and my uncle's neighbor, not the bad one, gave their testimony but were forced to leave before any of the opposing morons made theirs for whatever reason.. There's another hearing on the 19th.

I can't recall anything else of significance occuring on that day.. besides talking to Gaby, of course. :D Ooh, I'm finally back into watching As The World Turns. I missed that show. I hadn't been able to watch it for over a month. So much shit has happened so it's kinda hard to keep up. I also added this gorgeous guy on MySpace in hopes of being friends with him.

Friday's Degrassi was spectacular. Probably one of the best episodes I've seen in a while. One of the reasons I'm still watching. That and some syndicated shows I like such as Saved by the Bell and Sabrina are the only reasons I'll watch The N once South of Nowhere takes the dive. I passed out around 9. I am not exaggerating when I say that's the earliest I've gone to bed in probably five years at the very least.

Over the past few days I've been feeling myself come out of my depression/breakdown/crisis thing. But one thing I learned is that I guess I'm pretty fragile. Since the simplest things make me freak out as if I were back at the bottom again.

This morning I kinda hit another breaking point. Hot guy denied me. I just became so insecure and doubting of myself. I felt insecure because I so stupidly attach myself to people I literally have NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT. I can see one picture of a good looking guy. And if they're a right type of "good looking," I'll fall in love. It's retarded, I now. I think it's because I love to adorn these mystery men with all these amazing personal qualities and I reimagine it so much that it's like I was fed this information from someone else or that I personally witnessed it. I felt like such a fraud, too. For reasons I don't feel like going into at the moment. I quickly came out of it, though. Thankfully. I'm better now. Thanks to my friends. I made some more friends, too. They're pretty awesome. :D 

Brenda called me from work today and we talked a lot since there weren't many customers there and I talked to some of her coworkers. Lmao. I love her.

( Guess you'll get some ranting after all. )

Let's see.. what's been going on in the life me me lately..

I left off on Saturday. Not a lot happened on Sunday. About the most exciting thing that happened was the lightning storm. It thundered and lightninged and rained like crazy. It was pretty cool. It's a nice change of pace from the usual snow and no snow. Most of the snow stayed on the ground, though. I love lightning storms. I'm just not too crazy about them when they're right on me. I prefer them in the distance. I think it's more fun looking straight ahead to watch lightning straight than having the look above. That tends to be dangerous.

Monday wasn't so great. My mom woke me up to tell me that my uncle passed out and was unresponsive. My parents rushed there right away. I was very worried but I went back to sleep after they left. My mom came back home and told me he was fine. Thank god. She told me that he said the respirator he was on made him feel weird, then he became unresponsive and the nurses tried to get him out of that state. He could hear them but couldn't respond, then he blacked out and randomly woke out of it later. Yeah, they sure are responsible caretakers. They're setting a lovely example of how to REALLY take care of people, unlike us who are "negligent" and "unfit." FUCK THEM. Since he's been there, he's fallen once and now this happened. While he was in our care, he's barely had any mishaps. Stupid fucks. Not to mention his "guardian" wouldn't answer any of her phones. My god, what a dumb bitch.

I borrowed Rock Band from my brother. It's a hell of a lot of fun. :D I'm pretty good at it and I'm only a beginner.  I didn't go to sleep again until around 11 am. I found that Richard has another MySpace floating around. One that's way more informative than his other one. So I was pretty thrilled about that. I slept until 6 pm. Lmao. Watched AI for the first time in a while. I hate when all my shows are on at the same time. We're low on VCRs so I can't tape my other shows. Even if I could, I'd be too lazy to ever watch them later. I'm such a retard like that. Luckily they have TV online. Bu really, same rules apply. Then I watched BB. I'm so glad Matty is off the block! I can't wait to see what the new twist is gonna be and what the alarm means. I just saw a commercial about it. They say something about Big Brother not letting the evicted houseguests leave and that that's just the beginning of it! Hope it's juicy!

Did I mention that the nice guy lawyer who interviewed me stabbed us in the back and is actually a gigantic douchebag? He says he believes my uncle is incompetent and should have an appointed guardian. Cocksucking bastard.

For the past few days, I've been serial adding people on MySpace again. I DO NOT do it to boost my friend count, I do it to make new friends. LUCKILY most of them added me back this time! Sweet. My luck is coming back to me. I thought it might have been my new, more optimistic profile and possible outlook and it may be the latter. As for the profile, I accidentally forgot to save that. But I since fixed it. Haha. I hope they actually talk to me. As for the ones who didn't add me, whatever to them. Ruuuuude.

I felt so tired come midnight. I just wanted to go to sleep. Even though I'd only been awake for six hours. I went to bed at about half past midnight.. fell asleep a little after 1.. and woke up at 4. Wow. Three hours. Woohoo. I hate that I can only sleep for 3-4 hours at night, yet during the day I can sleep for half of it. I tried going back to sleep but as always that was a bust. I just stayed awake and kept myself amused.

Lately I've been reminiscing about the good times I had not so long ago. Man, I remember how the end of August 2007 felt. I felt so free and happy. It was like the spell of high school broke and I realized finally that I am an amazing person and I am worthwhile. I became more confident and worked hard on bettering myself in more ways than one. I got to meet my cousin Donnie again. He was a lot of fun to be around. I hadn't seen him since I was 4 so I barely remembered him at all. Apparently I was crazy about him when I was younger. September was more of the same. With school going on without me, it forced me to think about that. I miss the good times I had in school. Especially senior year. I miss 8th hour study hall. I miss my friends, the times I had in school that were fun, of course the crushes. End of September Donnie came back. I was making a lot of new friends albeit online but still. I had my friends around me. I didn't feel lonely at all despite missing Richard like fucking crazy.

Everything felt new and exciting. I turned 19 and I had such a fantastic birthday. Many would consider a great 19th getting plastered with friends and getting laid but I had fun staying up until almost 6 AM; it still being dark out and the moon was directly above my head. It was gorgeous outside, there was a nice breeze. I jumped on the trampoline to celebrate my freedom. Because I could stay up that late and do that now. I didn't have to worry about going back to that oppressive school anymore or ever take orders from anybody again. I felt to alive. With fear of not having a birthday at all, waking up and knowing I'd have one was a lot more exciting. I just went to town with my mom and talked on the phone with friend while she got some gifts. Then later I celebrated my birthday with my family and even some extended family. Donnie left the next day and even that day was good. October remained a great month. I made more friends and even had a memorable Halloween.

End of October, beginning of November I came out of my graduate break early because my mom suggested to me this career path that she knew was right up my alley so I got right to work on that. December, kept working hard at it. I also continued to make friends on other venues. I forced myself to stay positive, even in the line of trouble. I was still able to breathe easy. It wasn't until December ended hat my ease went with it. And I refuse to let negative emotion take precedence of my life any longer.

I guess there are some golden moments in everyone's year. Mine for 2006 that I remember well was in December. I recall always wanting to go back to that month. It was flawless. But it seems like things are on an up hill climb for me. I just hope that's true and that I keep climbing.

I had two mundane, yet interesting dreams; in one of them, I somehow got a hold of the WHS '07-'08 yearbook. I was surprised to have it in the dream. I didn't think you could have yearbooks for the years after you graduated. I was at the school at the time. The yearbook itself looked  like some paperback textbook from the '80s with a purple and holographic cover. I was way stoked to see Richard in there, but I was gonna wait 'til later to look at him. Unfortunately, I did not own the book as it turned out. My mom was there for some reason and she said she couldn't pay for it. I was pissed.

My next dream was really random. It had an uncorrelated effect on me as far as I can tell. But I was playing Sonic CD, and I made it to the Special Stage and I believe I even questioned its authenticity within the dream. It was different; in dream world Sonic CD, you were always Super Sonic during the Special Stage. The stage itself was like playing Phelios, they were flying above some landscape and Tails was there and Super Sonic looked like normal Sonic except he had wings. I knew that was peculiar. For some reason, gothic lettering floated around the screen. "CD" floated by Sonic and I couldn't tell what was floating by Tails. It was really random. You all probably have no idea what I'm going on about.

For some reason, it left me feeling good when I woke up. My mom woke me up to tell me she and my dad were going to visit my uncle in town again. I guess it just reminded me of simpler, happier times. When all the problems that constantly resonate in my head failed to present itself. I realized it's possible to go back to being happy and prevent bad things from happening. Right now, that's what I'm living on.

Right now, I'm crushing on Jordan Belfi. Props to you if you know who I'm talking about. I'll try not to go overboard. It's just so much healthier and better to not be infatuated with famous people. If I had real men in my life, I could avoid that.

No Air by Jordin Sparks IS SUCH A GOOD SONG! I've been getting a lot of new songs lately. I love it. I have been in dire need of new music. All my current songs were becoming extremely repetitive.

I feel like I'm slowly recovering from my low point. I feel like I'm in the same position I was in two years ago. I had a huge fall out at the beginning of 2006. It was awful. I felt like I would never climb out of it. But I did. I felt so strong and happy after that. I only hope I can come out of this stronger than ever, too.

Happy Leap Day everyone. It seems like forever since the last Leap Day. Kinda weird to think that this day won't exist next year or until 2012. I have not been having a good week. I never talked about how my phone interview with the lawyer, did I? Well his name was Matt and he seemed nice. He wasn't an asshole or anything and he wasn't trying to find dirt to get on us or my uncle. It wasn't long, either. I was way more stressed the day before the actual interview. One the day I actually did it, I just woke up and a few minutes later he called and I got it done before my brother even came upstairs. I was gonna let him do it first, but I just nipped it in the butt. I like getting things over with as fast as possible, anyway. He just asked me if I think he's able to make his own decisions, what my opinion on the situation is, if I had anything to say, and finally if I wanted to assume power of attorney over him, which I said yes to. I took a nice nap after that.

I had a breakdown Thursday morning. I hadn't slept since I woke up on Wednesday and I felt nauseous. I've been stressing and freaking out about shit. I have a huge fear of death and lately it's all I ever think about. I hate it. I'm so afraid of if or when it'll strike me or my family and what happens after we die. It just freaked me out. This has been happening for years. But now it seems to be greatly inflated. I'm a hypochondriac and I'm always checking myself over for signs of illness or disease and I'm driving myself insane. I know I'm about to break. After the breakdown, I went to sleep. I felt delirious. I felt way better after waking up.

My brother and dad are both sick and have missed work most of this week. First it was my brother, then it was my dad. When I woke up on Thursday night, my mom and dad went to town to pick my brother up from work because he was sick. I had the house to myself and time to distract myself  from my depression and get myself back on track.  I'm gonna do my best to have a normal and happy and normal life and forget about death. It doesn't have to be on my mind.  I felt stronger, but I know it's temporary. I'm not over it. But maybe it's a sign of growth. I hope so.

Strommen's Facebook was "hacked" last night and his profile pic was of two guys groping each other and his "interested in" field said "Men" and it was hilarious. I told him that I called it. When he found out, he freaked out and was like "Oh my god, ignore all that! I'm so pissed at the drunk bastards who fucked up my profile! I left Facebook on while I took a midterm!" Yeah, okay. I think he just had a moment of feeling daring enough to share with the world his sexuality, then he chickened out. Haha.

I set my alarm to wake up today at 9:25, which I realize now that that was already pushing it late, so I could meet Gaby on Live, but I felt really horrible. I was so tired and dizzy and I tried so hard to keep myself awake but I ended up crashing. I slept forever. I think all this mental and emotional strain is calling for some recovery so I slept for what seemed like a long time. It wasn't as long as I thought, it was just that I was in a very deep sleep. My mom woke me at around 11 to tell me that she and my brother were going to the lawyer's office for the interview and that the lawyer told her I didn't have to go. I was so happy! I slept in a deep sleep until 3:30 and they still weren't back. My dad stayed home from work. They came back and then my mom and dad went to my uncle's house. Apparently the cats got into the house and are shitting and pissing everywhere. Shit. I can't remember in what time frame, but I kept waking up and falling back asleep and it took  me FOREVER to get up and stay awake. I could've just slept for days. I was exhausted.

The house is being inspected by a lawyer and the health dept. or some shit in the near future. FUCK THEM! It's cleaning time, dammit.

I totally downloaded Jumper. It's sooo good! It took me about a half a day to get it. My fucking computer kept going into standby, which may or may not have slowed it down. Piece of shit. Argh. But I have it nonetheless. I just wish I could watch it better. With four bars on the screen, I feel like I'm watching it through a jail cell. Hayden is teh sex.

I'm now on playing gratuitous amounts of Burnout Paradise. I went from a D license to a B license in a matter of hours. I'm halfway to my A license! Yay! I love that game, it's a lot of fun to play. Can be frustrating as hell, too. On my breakdown day, I watched House Calls for the first time, the Big Brother talk show. It's a fun show. I wish I would've started watching sooner.

One last thing: HOW SHITTY IS IT THAT SOUTH OF NOWHERE IS ENDING SOON!?

I'm in a bitchy mood right now. Here are my reasonings: I learned that Ashlee Simpson's current single "Outta My Head" failed to chart as a single. I mean, I couldn't care less if other people don't like it but whatever.

Dude, I hate music snobs. Listening to obscure music and bands with quirky names do not overcompensate for your lack of personality. It annoys me when people stop liking bands when they get popular or mainstream. Yeah, you really are showing off how big of fans you are by hating them when they become successful. I get told that I "play it safe" when I say I like to listen to the Top 40. How exactly am I playing it safe? It's not like listening to obscure music is comparable to  doing backflips through the alleys of downtown Detroit. I don't like what I listen to because it's played on the radio. I like it because uhmm.. I LIKE IT! Uh-duhhh. Isn't that the point? See, you can always tell when people are pretentious music fans; it's when they only listen to it for its status. I don't listen to a bunch of obscure music because it bores me. I won't say it's all bad, though. I've had people look down on me for my tastes. But who's in a more undeserving position: me being looked down upon for being myself, or the person looking down on me for something so irrelevant as to what I listen to?

Oh my god. I cannot tell you how annoyed I am listening to people bitch about fast food. Folks, I never did understand why people whined about how they wish things were closed down/banned. Here's what you do: If you hate some place, DON'T GO THERE! It's as easy as that. Millions of people love McDonald's. I'll be damned if my favorite fast food restaurant gets closed down because of some self-righteous inconsiderate twat. Those people who get fat from there have themselves to blame. Here's a shocking tidbit of random information for ya. Are you ready? 'Cause it might make your head explode!People can go to fast food joints and still maintain a healthy lifestyle. OOH! THE SCANDAL!! I love when people assume if you go to McDonald's, you sign yourself up for the death sentence. Whatever, numb nuts. If all you do is sit around and bitch about shit then you're already on a death sentence. You'd get fat on herbal tea like that. Instead of using all your energy to protest fast food, get off your ass and exercise.

You have people preaching about how they're so awesome because they eat twigs and celery. Well bra-fucking-vo. Then I see other people bitching about what they notice about the employees working there. One of them complained of a homosexual, another bitched that people were smoking weed in the break room. Boohoo. Would you rather snot be running down his nose? What they do on their breaks is no business of yours. And I'm sure they'd be more than happy to step aside so you can prepare your own meal so long as they get paid. Or maybe you can take your hating ass off the premises. I really don't know many people who are "forced" to eat there. I know many times people go there to eat on school field trips. If you're so against it, either don't eat or bring a bagged lunch along. I've seen people become so ridiculous as to say they should bomb all the McDonald's. LMAO. Oh yeah, that makes total sense. I can imagine their slogan, "Terrorism for a healthy America!" I might recommend a healthy dose of McDonald's to these people. Seems as though not enough blood is flowing to their brain.

I'm completely fine about others' lifestyles. Be a vegetarian, hate fast food. I'm proud of you. I'm absolutely cool with you if you think indie music is the bee's knees and McDonald's sucks colossal cock.  Just don't rub it in my face and don't condemn me for my opinion because I will stick up for myself. Normally I'd end this rant with a note of justification. But I don't really care. If you were offended by this, I'm sorry that you were. This isn't meant as a personal attack to any of you if you so happen to fall into the categories discussed. They have a right to bitch, so do I. This is my journal and I am allowed to have opinions aren't I? I know I've been the resident asshole on all of your friends pages lately. In times like these it's kinda hard to NOT rant about things.

I slept really well. Dawn looked amazing so I snapped some pictures. I'm always taking pictures of random things like skyscapes and when I win on Xbox Live. Lmao. I'm fairly certain I had some sort of eccentric dream before waking up, earlier than usual I might add, but I don't remember it. I had some sort of sexual fantasy when I woke up at 1, which is why I'm thinking I had a dirty dream prior which fueled that fantasy.

My mom "woke me up" and told me that some lawyer.. person.. dude.. guy had to interview me and my brother on the phone like NOW in relation to my uncle. He told her to tell me not to be worried, that he's not looking to find something wrong and that he's not a bad person and that he's not gonna exploit me or whatever. He needed to know if I wanted to be my uncle's power of attorney and some information about the housing situation. It'd only be a couple minutes but I still didn't wanna do it. She also told me I'd have to go with her and my brother to have an in-person interview with my uncle's actual lawyer on a later day. Ugh.

Well, we were waiting for everyone to be ready and then my mom called his office. We had to do this before my brother and dad left for work.. which was in like 20 mins at that point. Well.. he had since left for an appointment. His secretary didn't know when he'd be back. I was kinda relieved but at the same time not. I just wanted to get it over with. I hate stressors. I suggested he could interview me alone if he called later and he could interview my brother tomorrow so they could leave for work. He never called. I was gonna go back to sleep after that, but I figured I'd stay up in case he did call so I would be ready.

My mom and I were about to clean up a bit in case one of those fucking feds came to inspect our living conditions but we were about to have company. So I just went to my room and laid down and ended up falling asleep. That's when I had the more memorable dreams. I dreamt about meeting Megan for the millionth time.. and about a bunch of people getting in some sort of trouble. Can't really remember.

My mom woke me up with perch and then I proceeded to do online stuff and listen to music and watch videos until BB9 came on. It was an intense episode. Wow. I saw some of the things that went on on the live feeds/YouTube and BB blogs but they showed a bit more. It was crazy. I won't spoil it. Afterwards, I helped my mom with more cleaning.

I really can't wait until Ashlee Simpson's new CD!

I dunno how I let time get away from me like this. But whatever. Sunday wasn't spectacular. I just watched Big Brother and the Academy Awards. I'm so glad Juno won some awards and that Heath Ledger was honored. I also watched Cold Case, which is a good show. It's pretty moving.

Big Brother After Dark is so much fun to watch. That night, they had a strip show that pretty much turned into a living room orgy. Then they all went skinny dipping. Lmao. I wish I could have that much fun. While it was on, a strange car kept going past my house; what I saw was them going past my house from the right slowly, like they were gonna turn into the driveway. I thought they were my parents but they kept going. Then, they slowed down by my neighbor's driveway. So I thought it was them.. then the U-turned, slowed down my driveway.. kept going.. U-turned AGAIN.. went down the lane next to my house.. came back up.. then went to my next door neighbor's house.. stayed there a while, then left with my neighbor behind him. Suspicious much? Gotta  watch out for those fucking feds.

Earlier, I saw an ad for Gears of War 2 coming out in November which inspired me to pick up my copy of GoW which I got for Christmas 2006 and hadn't played pretty much since I got it (which was the same for FEAR and those Burger King games... pretty much all the games.. heh.) I played a little bit of the part I was currently at, kept dying and quit. I tried again later and kept at it. At first, I was thinking I wouldn't be interested in this game, but it was way cool and very interesting and kept me coming back for more. My brother went on Live and co-oped with me on some of the game. It was a lot of fun. I didn't think you could play 2 player on a campaign over Live.

The next day, I played a lot more. I breezed through that game. I love it when games are more like a downhill climb than an uphill one. When I say that, I mean that it's not IMPOSSIBLY hard to get through, not necessarily kindergarten level. Extremely hard and/or boring games just turn me off. My brother wanted me to try Rock Band with him. I'm not really into those kinda games, so I didn't wanna do it but I did anyway. Truth is, it was actually pretty fun! I think I will definitely play again soon! Later, he helped me with the final boss on GoW. Amazing game fo' sho'.

After that was done, I popped in the demo disc he got from Xbox magazine and played the main demo from the disc. It's a game called "Turning Point: Fall of Liberty," and it's about an alternate history if Winston Churchill had died when he got hit by the taxi in 1931 instead of survived, how different things would be. It results in the Nazis attacking New York City. It's rather profound but the game seems like it could be really entertaining from the short playable demo. I know it'll stir up controversy. The game was actually released here today ("today" being the 26th, not the 27th) in NA before anywhere else. Damn, I'm gonna have to add that to my suddenly ever growing list of games to buy.

We're all put in hard situations for a reason. The reason is there's a problem. We'll stay within that situation until we find a solution. Only then are we allowed to leave and go back home. I've been in this place many times before and I have tasted the sweetness of freedom. I know what it's like. But there is no backdoor. The only way for me to get through this is to wait it out. Once it's done I hope it leaves me stronger so that I never have to come back.

I'm going to talk about random things again.. When I was young, I asked my grandma who her kids were and she told me that my dad was her kid. I didn't believe her. I was incredulous to the fact that kids eventually grew up. I've known all my life that I was gay. But somehow I still felt feelings for girls. "Cool looking" guys gave me erections when I was little. I've been swearing my whole life. I became a pervert when I was 10 years old; I used to hate it, now I love it. I got my first kiss when I was 7 years old. The amount of times I ever went to church can be counted on the hand of one of Jigsaw's victims. I faked sick for a week to miss a week's worth of school. That week plus the subsequent weekend and the previous winter break totaled my time away from school as 18 days.I slipped and smacked my head on the edge of a concrete gutter when I was about 6 and bled all over the place. I got away without needing stitches. My first conscious ejaculation was when I was 14 and it was to the last person you'd ever expect. I love all music but my favorite genre is shamelessly pop. The farthest I've been out of state is to Illinois. Nickelodeon was once my favorite channel. Then it sold out and I hate it. I still remember the name of the first person I ever had an actual one-on-one online conversation with. I just wish I could've talked to them again. Thinking of my online past makes me feel sad because I made so many wonderful friends on TalkCity chatrooms and now I'll never see them again. Not unless they organize "TalkCity Reunion: Class of '99"

Maybe I'll add to this later.. but for now the rest can be a mystery.

How about the drama going on in the BB house with Amanda, Allison and Natalie?

Right now I feel like updating but there really isn't any logical reason for updating. So I suppose I'll just talk about random things. Let's see.. current things that are annoying me right now is my uncanny lack of luck, my anxiety and OCD, Matthew Lush... I fucking HATE Matthew Lush. I don't believe in the notion that all gays should stick together. Because that's like saying all humans should stick together and obviously that's not going to happen in the near or far future. I think he's just in it for the fame and he has such ridiculous frames of thought, "If you eat meat, you're a homophobe." What the fuck? I like Chris Crocker more than Matthew Lush. I don't say that because I hate Chris Crocker. I say it because many people consider Lush the "gay god," while Crocker is seen as a crazy guy defending Britney's honor. I'd rather watch some guy in makeup make fun of his grandma than some camera whore piss and moan about how horrible McDonald's is.

Another thing that's annoying me is that whenever I go look at BB9 videos on YouTube, there's a barrage of people from England crying about how America stole the show from them and that's all America ever does. FYI, America's edition of BB aired before UK, and BB adopted it from Netherlands. I also get pissed when I see anti-American, pro-English groups on Facebook. The ones where English people list a gratuitous amount of reasons why England/English people are superior to America/American people. Then they have the gall to say Americans stereotype them when they make the aforementioned lists which are FULL of American stereotypes, that we're all fat and stupid. I'm not fat and I'm not stupid. So shove off. And don't tell me how to spell "favorite" or any other 'o' vs. 'ou' words. They're not "spelled wrong," we do it differently. Quit acting like we owe you EVERYTHING and that we need to do things exactly like you as if we're England part 2. I do believe America was discovered by the SPANISH!!!!!! Christopher Columbus. I am by no means a racist nor do I discriminate certain kinds of people. I only say English people in particular because I've encountered the most of that kind of trouble from them. I know there are awesome English people, some of them are my friends. I just can't stand egotistic, bigotted bastards.

I've decided to boycott The N for the most part. That channel just completely sold out. All they do is play reruns of crappy Nickelodeon shows or other syndicated shows. Notice how I said CRAPPY Nick shows? They could play some nice Nick classics. But nope. You'll be hard pressed to see them air their own original programming. They cancelled many of their original shows. Hell, even shows that were anticipated to air were already nixed. Yeah. Extremely retarded on their part. Unless they decide to rename the channel "The Rerun Network" or "Every Show On This Network is Already Being Broadcasted On Other Networks!" Ironically, I'm watching it right now. Only because there's nothing else on.

It pisses me off when people diss things I like to my face. I don't do it to you so don't do it to me. I hate when I forget something. It bugs me when people call at the most inconvenient times when they KNOW I'm already doing something. ..When people show disdain for my preference in anything, what I wear, what I do. Psh. Excuse me, when did you become so important that you think you're allowed to pass judgement on me? ..When people think marijuana is a drug, that it's bad and harmful. Kids, it's not. I'll end it here before it becomes a blatant hate entry.

Now for things I like. Honestly, it's harder to come up with a big list of all that. It's just easier to think of peeves in times like these. I love the feeling of rediscovering a prized gem from the past. A video games unplayed in years, a movie I haven't seen in forever, a song I forgot existed. Finding new pictures of my favorite famous people. When he updates his MySpace. Waking up the morning after a horrible night, knowing I got through it and that it's over. Those times I saw him in the hall. Feeling completely down and turned off to every possible thing to kill my boredom and take my mind off the depression, then suddenly the best idea comes to mind. Seeing the one I like in person, especially when it's unexpected. Falling in love with someone new. Anytime I get something new. Whenever I get something I've been wanting for a while that I can get excited about. When things work out against all odds. Confidence. Being able to breathe. Knowing everything will be alright. The feeling I get when I think of him.

I'm going to make this quick because I'm preparing for the assfuck of the century.

Uhh.. let's see. Woke up from a strangely erotic and elaborate dream, several actually, feeling incredibly ill. My head felt like it was made of lead and my body and stomach ached. That's okay though. When I feel sick I just imagine my men taking care of me.

Today being the 21st of February marks the 11th anniversary of my family moving out of my uncle's house into my current one. What a coincidence that all this shit surrounding my uncle's living arrangements should be happening now. Perhaps things will come full circle and my uncle will move in with us or in his own new trailer.

To celebrate the occasion and to follow the theme of bad luck, my dad was suspended his job for three days for mixing up an order. They almost fired him but didn't. Lucky. My brother and dad are both looking for new jobs because apparently that place sucks.

Watched American Idol and dyed my hair black. I still feel nasty. Blahdy blahdy blah. I wanna do something fun. Laters.

I must say that nothing far from the usual despair has been occurring in my life as of late. Hence the lack of updates. What more can I say of my routines besides Xbox Live and Big Brother 9, which is, as usual, entertaining.

I started rewatching the first season of The OC. It helps me get to sleep. Takes my mind off the bad things. That's ultimately what makes it so hard to get to sleep sometimes.

I know you're all eager to find out what's going on in my uncle's case. Well, my parents went to court on Tuesday. They were not allowed to even speak, but to watch as the judge and every other crooked fucker in the room made it seem as if my uncle was incompetent, which he is NOT. He is hard of hearing and they all did their best to ignore it and ignorantly accuse him of being incapacitated. What a bunch of shit. I fucking hate those people. It is beyond fucked up that they get to have so much control. In any case, they revoked my mom's power of attorney and all her rights of him. He's stayiing in some nursing home,  which means they'll bleed his money and property dry. The bitch over there accused him of having dementia. HE DOESN'T HAVE DEMENTIA! What the FUCK!?

Now there's another hearing on the 6th. All that needs to happen is for his real doctor to say he's not incompetent. I got a court notice in the mail, so that may or may not mean I have to go to court. I don't wanna go. My mom, brother and I went to the house last night and they put some notice on the door saying that it's currently unlivable. As if anyone's gonna go to the house and check it out. The cats are fine. I only saw half of them. The others were probably hiding.I'll only really worry if they're gone for a long time. Apparently when my dad was up there earlier, after he left, one of the douches went there in a red van. The neighbors (not the bad ones) called my mom and told her. She told my dad who said he saw them as they passed him. He went back to go check and they were gone. I love how these assholes trek all the way to the boonies to snap a few pictures. Relentless pricks.

In order to get myself out of a chronic bad mood. I've turned to a chronic outside resource. Do any of you watch Big Brother? I like Matt and Alex. So, I started playing Halo 3 again last night. It was a nice change of pace. I watched some of the recent videos of my games in theater. For some reason, my helmet changes in the last two games of Hammerzeit. Hmm. I'm pissed 'cause I didn't save my first multiplayer videos. =[

My mom and I took out the Christmas tree. That was a lot of fun. x_x

There's a lunar eclipse tonight! So glad it's clear out. I can see it already.

I'm quite possibly in the lowest area I've been in my life or at least in a while.

I think back to October of last year, even December and it seems like I was in another world compared to where I am now.. how the hell did I get here? This place I'm in now feels so unrecognizable as to where I was then. It feels like hell. Constantly unhappy, hopeless, never excited for anything anymore. It makes me so furious that everything has to be negative all the time.

A few months ago I was so productive with my project and so excited about it. I was looking forward to success and dreaming of being able to do what I want. Then, a long string of shitty things struck me and suddenly that incline was ripped away from me. I'm at a loss of words to describe how I feel about it. I just want to scream and lose control.

I wish there was some horrible person at the center of this uncanny horrid coincidence so I could hunt them down and make sure they felt every single ounce of pain they caused me and everyone around me. But that's the worst part; there's no one to blame. These events have had both a direct and indirect impact on my life. Hindering me and putting me in a completely dismal state.

I want to do everything I can to turn things around and get myself happy again. I want to be able to look up again. It's not fair to have to deal with everything getting progressively worse every day. I'm starting to not care about anything. I'm not gonna give up on my website. I won't give up on my dream and I won't give up on life. I hate feeling vulnerable and scared. I need to go back to feeling robust and happy again. I'll do anything to return to that.

This is just a forewarning that this is a pretty heavy entry and I lose my cool probably more than a dozen times, so if you don't like serious topics or the typed out version of me screaming angrily, you best avoid this entry.

My day started off well and by "started off," you'd think I meant that the first few hours were good but what I really mean is that only the first few minutes were decent. I woke up from a rather hot dream that I don't feel like talking about right now.

Well, a few minutes after I woke up, my mom and brother come in the driveway. I found it odd that my brother wasn't at work. I go downstairs and my mom is on the phone and my dad is also home. Strange. I thought maybe they took a random vacation day. A few minutes later, my mom comes to my room and tells me that my uncle was taken to the fucking mental health institute. WHAT. THE. FUCK?

This is most likely going to become a long entry. So if you don't give a shit, then I don't blame you, do something productive with your free time. Anyway. I remember the last time I was at my uncle's house, I heard about my neighbors being benevolent and bringing my uncle water and food or whatever. That had me feeling a bit skittish.

Let's backtrack a bit. My uncle lives in a trailer a few miles away. He's elderly and diabetic and he lives by himself. Everyone in my family goes up there periodically to bring him food, take care of the cats, refill his syringes, check up on him, making sure he's alright. My brother and dad often go shopping for him after work, and my mom does often as well. We go up there and bring him some dinner during the holidays. We go up there as often as every other day, and at least once a week. We call him and check up on him and we take really good care of him. He doesn't mind being alone, and he's not alone all the time as I have just pointed out.

As for me feeling suspicious about the neighbors being helpful? Well, it was around 14-16 years ago, I was about 4 or 5, we had a huge family of Samoyeds when we lived there. My mom absolutely adored this one she named "Blue," who was born with heterochromea, which meant he had one brown eye and one bright blue eye. I remember that dog so well. A few months later, my dogs kept getting picked off one by one. Someone was poisoning them. One night, Blue was found dead by my house and my mom flipped out. She was so upset. We called the police and had an investigation. They did an autopsy, but found nothing. My parents were absolutely certain it was the neighbors. We couldn't nab them because of lack of fucking evidence. I can't believe some fucker could be so horrendously twisted to do such a thing. We think it happened because the dogs sometimes ran out of the yard and into others' yards and barked at night. The poisonings happened in two waves. But the way our neighbors talked, we knew it was them.

My mom told me that those neighbors who had previously poisoned the dogs 14-16 years ago, and who was being so nice to my uncle, had been up there and found out there was no water and that the place was in shambles and called the fucking health department. The cops were there and they hauled him away in a cruiser. MY FUCKING GOD!! I can't fucking believe those cocksucking ASSHOLES! I can't even imagine what my uncle was thinking. He's not always in the right state of mind, he probably thought he was being arrested for something. He's now being held in a goddamn mental facility. A FUCKING NUT HOUSE. FOR WHAT!? HE'S NOT FUCKING INSANE!!

My brother and dad missed work because they were going to try and get him out, they told them that he's being held there for 72 hours and he's not allowed any contact with us. BULL FUCKING SHIT!

Do you wanna know how we found out about this? No proper authority came to our house and notified us about it. No. My uncle's neighbors (not the bad ones, these ones are helping us out..) came and tried to tell us. My mom didn't answer 'cause she had no idea who it was, but she saw who it was as they were leaving, so she thought something happened to my uncle. My brother and mom went up there to check and he was gone. One of the jerks who were up there left a note on the table. They went to the good neighbor's house and he told them what had happened. When they got home, my dad called the number on the note and found out more from them.

If they hadn't gone up there, we wouldn't even know that he had been taken away. I fucking hate those assholes. I'm so sure they believe they were "doing the right thing," too. That is what they'll say when they're confronted. They're the most malevolent sons of bitches. Fucking assholes. They've been wanting to rent land from my uncle, my mom tells me, and since it was rented out, they got pissed off and this is probably they're way of getting back at us. Now that my uncle's out of the way and he might have to move, they think they can have that land. FUCK THAT SHIT!!

This brings me to my next thing; the health people are probably going to condemn the place, meaning he'll no longer get to live there. So either he lives with us, or he'll have to go to a nursing home. We'd never let him go to a nursing home where he'd be mistreated and they'd suck his money dry and force us to lose the land. They also won't let him put a new trailer on the land because it's against some fucked up ordinance. SINCE WHEN IS IT ANYONE'S MOTHERFUCKING BUSINESS WHAT ANYONE ELSE PUTS ON THEIR LAND!?

This means that we'll probably lose the trailer either way. I don't care if the place is a fucking dump. I fucking grew up there. It's where I spent the first eight years of my life. Every motherfucking time I go up there I'm caught up in memories and now it's all going to be lost because some STUPID FUCKING CUNT CAN'T MIND THEIR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? Who do they think they are trespassing onto property that they have ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT being on in the first place and fucking tattling to the authorities about it!?

Later, my mom called my aunt and talked to her about it, my aunt then called the sheriff's department to get answers. She found out that he's literally in a mental institution, in non-PC terms: a crazy house. HE DOESN'T BELONG THERE!! She also got info from a cop that he's not the reason he's in there. He's in there because of a "complaint" and because the house is "unlivable." First of all, WHO THE HELL ARE THOSE ASS BACKWARDS COCKSUCKING NEIGHBORS TO FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S LIVING CONDITIONS!? IT'S NOT DETRIMENTAL TO THEM!! MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS! HE DOESN'T MIND LIVING THAT WAY! LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE! My mom has power of attorney or something like that that is supposed to override their ban on us communicating with him, but apparently that doesn't matter. Uhm. WHAT!?

On the plus side, if they want to accuse us of abusing us or neglecting him, we have more than enough people who can testify that we in fact have taken good care of him. Everything was just fine, just fucking fine, and these dirty pricks come in and stir up trouble. And that is EXACTLY what they were trying to do. If they were really trying to help, they would have come to US.

I keep saying we should nail them on the counts of TRESPASSING. They have NO RIGHT to be there whatsofuckingever. My uncle is 82 years old and he has lived there his whole life and they have the nerve to just rip him out of there and haul him off in a patrol car like he's some criminal? WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING!? THAT'S FUCKING WRONG. You don't do that to an old man. He has no fucking idea what they're doing. You don't force him out of his home when he's lived there all those years and he's that old. Just let him be and let him live where the fuck he wants.

More than a few times today I was taken back to when my dogs were poisoned and died all those years ago. It was fucking horrible. And the worst part is, those bastards got away with it. I remember one time I'd come across another dead dog. His eyes were open and he looked like he was fucking alive. I'll never forget that. It makes me sick and livid at the same time.

My uncle has 12+ cats up there and I'm worried about their safety. Those shitheads better leave those cats alone. If one is dead, missing, or if so much as a hair is missing from one of them, I will hold them responsible and I will go after them myself. I was especially worried after remembering what they had done to my dogs.

I am so fucking sick of one thing after another happening to my family, and all of it being bad, NEVER GOOD. Those fucking assholes. How dare they do that. I hope the ABSOLUTE WORSE POSSIBLE THING befalls those people. I would not shed a single tear, lose any sleep or feel so much as a twinge of remorse. I am sick to my stomach of horrible human beings getting away with doing shitty things to people who don't deserve it. I am begging the universe to PLEASE GIVE THESE WORTHLESS CUNTS WHAT THEY DESERVE!! Please let justice be served! Make them feel the pain and trouble they've caused us and probably other people. What the fuck did we do to them or anyone to deserve this bullshit? I hope they suffer for what they've done. And I don't give a rat's ass if that makes me a cruel person. I want justice. I'm not cruel, they are. AND SO HELP ME GOD if I EVER get the chance to get payback on them, I WILL TAKE IT and I WILL make them the sorriest sons of bitches in the fucking world.

I am not one to ever wish anything this bad on anyone but this is serious. What they did is twisted, sick, unforgivable, dispicable and full of contempt.

I'm probably forgetting some details.. but if I remember I'll post them up on this entry. If you read all of this.. thank you.

Happy Vallentine's Day, everyone! Hope yours was better than mine. Mine was incredibly boring and ordinary. Forgot a few times that today was a holiday. This is unfortunately my first boring V-day. Sigh.

Yesterday was pretty cool. While I was stoned and on the phone with Drew, I totally kicked these guys' asses on FEAR. It was crazy. I couldn't believe it. I fucked sucked at multiplayer and suddenly while I'm slightly high and on the phone, I'm beating up three dudes online? Insane. I thought it was wicked. I must be getting better. Oh, and before that I beat the campaign/actual game of FEAR. It was a lot of fun. Cool ending.

Big Brother 9 is interesting. It's confusing as fuck though. The exes got kicked off but now one of them is back and one of the gay guys are gone. That sucks. None of the BB spoiler sites are even talking about it nor do they mention it in the crawlon After Dark. Weird as hell. They say it might be a short season since people get evicted in pairs and since it's only on because of the writer's strike. BB is a summer show, not supposed to be on in the winter. Plus, they're gonna air BB10 in July as normal. Yay!

Lawlz. Everyone in the BB house is freaking out because they think James and Chelsia are secretly brother and sister.

Here's what I did to celebrate Valentine's Day: shoveled the driveway and I'm getting food. Hooray! The end.

Jesus H. Christ! I want to be able to fucking see on my goddamn computer! UGGGHHH!!! X_X My mom has been looking it up online for a while now. She says she might have found a few solutions. Let's hope they work.

Donnie went home today. We all woke up early, around 1 in the afternoon to say goodbye. I was a bit cranky because I was tired. Really only to my mom. I apologized for that. I really wish I wasn't such a dick.

I finished off the remaining episodes of The OC. Sigh. I'm bummed now because I'm officially permanently OCless. Maybe I should rewatch again from the beginning. But maybe not. Maybe I should put them away for a long time and watch them again in a few years. If I watch and rewatch the series over and over again, I'll become too used to it and I'll get tired of it. If I wait a while until the next time, it'll be like new again.

Big Brother 9 premiered tonight!! It was really good. I liked it. And After Dark came back with it, too. My mom and I watched it. The gay guys are relatively attractive and some others. The twist is pretty cool. By the time After Dark came on, one couple was already evicted. What's up with that? That annoys me. There has to be another twist, 'cause if they plan on evicting in twos, then the show will be done in eight weeks and it's supposed to run for three months. Hmm.

It feels empty in the house the day Donnie leaves. It's kind of a relief to go back to normal but when he's here, we're all usually in a better mood and fight less. He distracts us from the shitty lives we have and when he's gone it's back to being morose.

I am in desperate need of a male. Man, I need someone like crazy. I'm almost 20 and I never had a boyfriend. Ever. Never even touched one.. like that. Right now, I don't even care if I'm "with" a guy who I can call my boyfriend. Even if it's a one night stand or a hook up. I don't care. I just need some sort of male attention/affection.

Doesn't it seem like all I ever update about is how I sit on my ass playing Xbox Live and watching The OC? Well hey, until I start my career as a computer graphic artist, this is one of the last chances I get to be lazy all the time. Sue me. It's entertaining to me.

Yesterday, I did more than that. My entire family, including Donnie, went out to eat. First time I did that in like years. It was a lot of fun. The restaurant was pretty much vacant due to the extreme cold and drifting. It was about 30-40 degrees below zero. It was really nice. I've learned that being with my family isn't always a lame affair and most of the time, dare I say it, is actually pleasant.

After that, I did my usual impenetrable combo of Xbox Live and The OC. Later on, I played a game of Yahtzee with my mom and Donnie, didn't win. Haha. Mainly because I was so tired. But I did pretty well for not having played in like eight years. Dakota, my husky, ripped part of my brother's Samantha Fox poster since he was in the basement due to the cold. He wasn't happy to hear about that today. My mom's getting him a new one from eBay. What would we do without online auctions? More dog drama. When my mom took him back outside, he almost got away. Luckily, he came back to her.

I spent today being my lazy self once again. FEAR freezes on me sometimes. It's only happened twice recently, but it still annoys me. I'm getting close to the end. I truly underestimated that game. I'm also coming to the end of The OC. Sigh. The show ended twice for me. At the end of season three and four. The show is just so different in the fourth season than it was in the previous three. At first glance, I wish the series was still going on but then I realize it was about time for the show to end. Some good shows don't know when to quit and they go on far past its expiration date and then people can't wait for it to be over. I didn't want that to happen to The OC. By the way, I'd totally tap Kaitlin's tennis instructor. DAMN!

Today is Donnie's last full day in Wisconsin. He was gone gambling most of the day with his sister. Ten days seemed pretty daunting at first but now it seems like they flew by and were over before I was ready. Then I remember he came on the day of the Super Bowl and it seems like a long ass time ago. Does that ever happen to you? Two events that happen on the same day, one seems like it happened forever ago and the other seems like it happened a few seconds ago? Or maybe one thing happened recently, and another happened long ago, but it feels like the opposite? Happens to me all the time. I got to spend a lot of time with him, so I'm glad about that. Plus, he'll be back again soon enough. Either in a few months or in July.

Big Brother 9 starts tomorrow!! Well, technically later today but it's still Monday to me. LG15 season three started today, but I didn't watch. Because I CAN'T. Didn't get to watch the Community week shit, either. I'm not so bummed. Didn't seem that interesting to begin with.

Well, I'm gonna go. Seeing as how my last entries were about 120 pages long and I haven't received comments kinda tells me I'm a bit wordy and that no one cares to read about my boring drivel. Sorry about not commenting/reading about you guys recently. Believe me, if I could, I would. Before I forget. We think it's the video card, so we're getting new ones soon. Alright. later.