Woven Cognition

Man, I have been feeling my stress catch up to me these past couple days. I've been really exhausted lately. It might be me forcing myself to change my sleep schedule to something more convenient, but I become unbearably exhausted by the time 9 rolls around and that's odd. I wake up at 8 - 10 AM.. Soo. I don't get that.

Wednesday was the big ol' twist for Big Brother. I was so excited to see what it was. But RIGHT when the show began, I fell asleep. BAH! My sleep pattern really loves to spite me. I missed about 40 minutes of it. But my mom taped it so I watched that part afterward. We ordered from Fox's 'cause they're amazing. The twist was pretty much what I envisioned and that's a good thing. Earlier, I randomly stumbled upon this Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on Newlyweds parody. It's so funny! I love Ashlee, and I'm pretty sure it's all in good fun. Not to be defamatory. But don't quote me on it. I SAID DON'T QUOTE ME, DAMMIT! Anyway, it's another thing I do to keep me from going back to the Dark Side™ as I have affectionately dubbed my negative moods.

Click. Click. Clicklcickclcicckclcckckck.

Damn the lack of embedding ability. I think the girl playing Ashlee looks so much like Jamie Lynn Spears.

I noticed that this change has caused me to have three new behaviors; mood swings, weird sleep patterns, and nonstop anger. You'll witness some of the latter in a later entry.

Next day was court. Luckily, I didn't have to go. But the hearing didn't go extraordinary. My mom and my uncle's neighbor, not the bad one, gave their testimony but were forced to leave before any of the opposing morons made theirs for whatever reason.. There's another hearing on the 19th.

I can't recall anything else of significance occuring on that day.. besides talking to Gaby, of course. :D Ooh, I'm finally back into watching As The World Turns. I missed that show. I hadn't been able to watch it for over a month. So much shit has happened so it's kinda hard to keep up. I also added this gorgeous guy on MySpace in hopes of being friends with him.

Friday's Degrassi was spectacular. Probably one of the best episodes I've seen in a while. One of the reasons I'm still watching. That and some syndicated shows I like such as Saved by the Bell and Sabrina are the only reasons I'll watch The N once South of Nowhere takes the dive. I passed out around 9. I am not exaggerating when I say that's the earliest I've gone to bed in probably five years at the very least.

Over the past few days I've been feeling myself come out of my depression/breakdown/crisis thing. But one thing I learned is that I guess I'm pretty fragile. Since the simplest things make me freak out as if I were back at the bottom again.

This morning I kinda hit another breaking point. Hot guy denied me. I just became so insecure and doubting of myself. I felt insecure because I so stupidly attach myself to people I literally have NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT. I can see one picture of a good looking guy. And if they're a right type of "good looking," I'll fall in love. It's retarded, I now. I think it's because I love to adorn these mystery men with all these amazing personal qualities and I reimagine it so much that it's like I was fed this information from someone else or that I personally witnessed it. I felt like such a fraud, too. For reasons I don't feel like going into at the moment. I quickly came out of it, though. Thankfully. I'm better now. Thanks to my friends. I made some more friends, too. They're pretty awesome. :D 

Brenda called me from work today and we talked a lot since there weren't many customers there and I talked to some of her coworkers. Lmao. I love her.

( Guess you'll get some ranting after all. )

I'm going to make an actual update for today..

Well, this morning started on a rather disturbing note. Regarding a nightmare I had, I don't remember the first part anymore, unfortunately. But, in the end of it I was looking out the patio window, and above the trees, in the distance, I saw a huge plume cloud of fire. I freaked out because I thought it was a nuke. My family and I ran outside to see that it was actually my neighbor's house that blew up completely. But, the house was to the left of mine where the church is right now.. It was really scary, and I was thinking about how the other people in the community would feel about it.. especially Richard. I'm not exactly sure why.

The day started off well.. sorta. I felt awful, but I took some medicine and my headache went away. I watched ATWT and then went online and proceeded to fuck around, doing the normal things I usually do..

Then I found out that Heath Ledger died and I was completely floored. I was in utter shock and disbelief, and I still am now. It's another case of one minute they're there, the next they're gone. It's so fucking tragic. I thought it was shocking to find out he split up with Michelle Williams, but this is too unreal. He's just not someone you ever picture dying. Ever. I've been reading about it everywhere. Some people on the Facebook groups and IMDB boards are fucking assholes. They write the dumbest, most heartless shit. People said others had no room to mourn him because they didn't know him personally and that he didn't deserve to be missed/he wasn't a good person because he played a gay man in Brokeback Mountain. FUCK THEM! Fucking seriously, those people can rot in hell. I have no tolerance for that bullshit at all.

Some people just make me sick. On IMDB, they were making a game out of who will die next. Laughing and joking how "funny" it would be if Britney Spears or someone else would die. I mean seriously? Grow up and seek psychiatric help. Call me crazy, but I don't think death is a very humorous subject. Unless it's dealt to some horrible human being who actually wears that title loosely. I fall to pieces whenever death hits relatively close because I HATE IT.

Nevertheless, that news really darkened my day and I'm really sad that he's gone. He had so much ahead of him. I told my mom and she couldn't believe it either. She told me "these things happen in threes," and that it happened to Brad Renfro last week, which I knew already and Suzanne Pleshette died a few days ago.. so I guess that's three.. It still shouldn't have happened. I feel bad for Michelle and their daughter Matilda.

RIP Heath Ledger, you will be missed.

On a lighter note, I did watch American Idol and One Tree Hill later on, which brightened my mood up a bit. OTH is so different now. They don't even have a theme song. My brother burned me a copy of the CD I got him for his birthday. Oh, he loved the card and gift, by the way. The Donnas' "Bitchin'" is really good!

I guess that's all. My dad and brother are stranded at work.. we can't get to them, so.. I guess we'll see what happens. This day blows. Later.