Woven Cognition

I'm sorta crushin' on someone again. But I don't think it'll last very long. I really need a boyfriend. I'm such a fucking relationship virgin, I'd probably not know how to go about it if it smacked me in the face.

I got to get out of the house for a few hours with my mom. It wasn't some kind of expedition or a shopping trip, but it was good to get away for some time. I went with her to run errands of the lawyer and bank variety. And, we got to go across the new bridge. It's so fucking weird that the other bridge is gone. I don't like it. Change sucks. The new bridge is so... weird. It's like being in another country.

Anyway, it was raining and lightning like crazy. It stormed off an on all day. It was also the Day of Silence, but I wasn't very silent. Haha. Instead, I just wrote about it.

Saturday was both long and a lot of fun. I woke up around 1 or so. It was dark, cloudy, cold and windy. I liked it. It was too cold to do anything outside, so I just had the window open. I went back to playing Halo again. I met this one guy on there and put him on my friends.

My brother's friend Chazz came over. I played him on Halo before, but I had never met him in person. He's pretty cool. We all played a bunch of rounds of Halo 3 and then we took him home. It was a fun day.

I just got done watching the finale of Big Brother 9. I'm glad Adam won, but I'm PISSED that James won the favorite juror prize. Fuck James. He doesn't deserve shit. Natalie or Matt deserved to win that. Oh well. BIG BROTHER 10 PREMIERES JULY 13!! YAY!!

Don't remember a lot from Thursday. Other than that I played with Gaby on Live and Michael was voted off AI. I was so mad about that! Oh, and I had trouble with brushes. Blah.Also, dealing with sleeping problems sucks.

My sleep schedule continued to plague me on Friday. I was about to go to sleep but then I had a head explosion and couldn't go back to sleep. Then, it started thundering and lightning outside. So, I just stayed awake for a long time. I finally went to bed around 2:30 after talking to Megan a couple times, MySpacin' and Eccoin' and breakfastin'.

I had a provocative dream involving one of my friends. It ended up being a wet dream in a weird way. It was bizarre, but erotic. I haven't had one of those in a really long time. Like, since I was 14. Lmao. I know you thought that was TMI. OH WELL!!! Then, I woke up late while Degrassi was on. Not much else of interest that day.

Last Saturday was warm and windy, this Saturday started off cold and snowy. Ugh. We have the most fucked up weather in Wisconsin. By the time I woke up, most of the snow had melted. Thank god! That night, I just decided to play Halo 3 on Xbox Live. I'm glad I did. It was a lot of fun. And really, the first time I actually avidly played it. Usually I play it sporadically and for like an hour at a time. I played from midnight to 4 am. I'm REALLY immersed in it, now. I even encountered this little asshole kid who talked shit to me. Lmao. He must've been younger than 12. He kept calling me a "disease" because of my gamertag. Ha. Whatever. I kicked his scrawny little ass and told him off afterwards. Bet he didn't see that coming. Looking at the video of the match, he just pussed around most of the game and went into hiding after I killed him. HAHA!! LOSER!!

I don't recall much of Sunday.. moving on.. I went to sleep EARLY on Sunday night/Monday morning at about 2 am. Then, I woke up suddenly at 6 am. Couldn't get back to slleep, and I was wide awake anyway, so I stayed up. Monday was strange. I felt fine for the first few hours, continued playing more of Halo. Which I had been doing every day since Saturday night. My mom wanted me to help with yard work, which I would have done, but I started feeling dizzy and had a headache. I think it's from lack of sleep and that I was up for a while by then. Then, my mom got a call from my dad saying the hood on the car flew back and broke the windshield when him and my bro were on their way to work. My dad accidentally didn't close it right when they were at the gas station. They're both alright. No injuries. The windshield needs to be replaced. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. The hood is all bent up, too.

I went to sleep after they came back home and slept for 5 hours. 3-8. Longer than I expected to. I felt bad, because it was such a nice day outside and I missed out on it. I also feel bad for not helping my mom outside, but I felt sick. I had an odd dream, in it I was at my house with my family and some guy came home with my brother. He was like some sort of lawyer. While he was here, three helicopters crashed in our yard. It wasn't a HUGE deal for some reason. To my family, it kinda was a mere disturbance, but no one else in the neighborhood seemed to notice. The copters were kinda small, too. There were people camped out in the backyard and we went out and talked to them and found out they were the reason the crashes happened and apparently there were seven building explosions in the news, they were also behind them. The man who came to our house was also involved. It ended there. It was so strange. I played it in my head afterwards and added more to it. It'd make a cool story or video game or movie..

It was so cool in my room when I woke up, the window was open and it was windy and the fan was blowing. I'm lame. I'm a sucker for nice weather, though. My dad randomly bought a new car. I watched After Dark on ShoToo and kept watching after it was over. There was this movie on after it called Urban Legends: Bloody Mary, which was kinda disturbing in some parts. It basically emulated popular urban legends. One part, this girl gets bitten by a spider and wakes up the next morning to see the bite on her cheek, she pops it, then spiders crawl out of the popped bite like crazy. Like millions of them. Then she bashes her head against the mirror and spiders pour out of her head. It was really disgusting. I fucking HATE spiders. At leas they're only myths. I think I played more Halo after that or something.. can't remember. Then, this movie called The Roost was on when I came back.. I saw the end of it. It was weird.

Slept for only a few hours because I was gonna meet Gaby on Live and my mom wanted me to wake her up at 8:30 so she could take my uncle to his doctor's appointment. Gaby and I had so much fun as usual. This time we actually playe with others in Big Team Slayer and Team Doubles. I normally only play Slayer on Rumble Pit. It was cool to branch out for once, and it's not so bad doing those other games I thought I'd suck at and wouldn't ike. I had Java Monster, an eclair torte and popcorn for breakfast. Lmao. I had been playing in ranked matches since Sunday or Monday and getting my skill level up mainly in Lone Wolves, so I continued with that on Tuesday.. I'm doing good in there. I usually get 2nd place or higher. I wanna get more wins, though.. not just 2nd place all the time.

I met some cool new people, no bratty kids. I sent three of them messages. One of them in particular, I wanted a response from and I had sent him the message while he was offline, and I noticed later that he was online, but did not respond to me, so I was kinda bummed about that. I was feeling sick again later. I think it was from lack of sleep once again. I think I get emotionally and mentally distraught when I'm sleep deprived. I slept until American Idol was 15 minutes over and felt a lot better. Watched AI, then BB9. I'm pissed I missed some of AI. I was pissed at myself again for missing out on a gorgeous day. It was warm and windy.. REALLY windy outside. I LOVE weather like that. The night was still stellar, so I went out and jumped on my trampoline that night. The moon was pretty much full and illuminated the sky. Perfect.

I avoided a potentially bad situation that night when I scratched my Rihanna CD really bad. I was freaking pissed. I tried rubbing it away, but wouldn't dissipate. The CD skipped, too. BAH!! So, I borrowed the DVD resurfacer and THANKFULLY it's good as new. It plays just fine now. Phew. Thank god for DVD doctors.. I was afraid it wouldn't work. I can still see the scratches, but it works nonetheless. I also noticed on Xbox Live's website, that I got a message back from one of the guys I talked to on Halo today. That was cool.

Woke up at 1 today (Wednesday) and went outside and enjoyed the amazing weather. Jumped on the trampoline for a while. It was still warm and windy. About 70 degrees today!I just chilled today.. didn't go on Live yet today. I also took a break from my daily workouts for a bit. I need to get back into that. I can't quit NOW.

Actually, I did go on Live for a minute today. I noticed I had 3 new messages. One of them was a friend request from the one guy I really wanted to hear back from and the other was a message from the third guy I talked to, plus the one from last night. I was happy about that! Surprised, too, because I didn't think he'd respond at all if he didn't respond right away. That rarely happens to me on MySpace. So, I was pretty tickled about that. XD

BB9 pissed me off. I'm so angry that Natalie got evicted! GRR!

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Hey everybody. It's me, Chris, your undiagnosed insane blogger!

Before I get into Tuesday, there's something I forgot to mention that happened on Sunday night. While I was watching Big Brother 9, a firetruck went past my house. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary. Not until the fifth one in a row passed by and I realized it had to be some big fire or incident for that. They were going in the direction of  the town I lived, so I thought it was just further in the city, so I ran out to check what was going on. Turns out the problem wasn't in the city, it was at my new neighbor's house.

The firetrucks went down the lane leading to the house. I couldn't see any fire or smoke whatsoever. After I went outside, about three more firetrucks came through, plus some police cars and ambulances. We were all outside and there was such a commotion, cars were stopping and slowing down to see what happened. We couldn't tell. The house was too far away. The ambulance took somebody away, I'm sure. I got some pictures. The whole thing took about 10-15 minutes to clear up. It was crazy.  I hope no one was seriously hurt or worse..

To this day, I don't know what happened. It wasn't on the news and wasn't in the paper. The local papers come out on Friday and Saturday, so we'll see if it's on there.

Anyway, Tuesday was kinda.. shitty. I had a rough time getting to sleep. I fell asleep at midnight and only slept for four hours. Then, I couldn't get back to sleep until around 8 and by that time, it was so bright in my room from the sunlight. Needless to say, going to sleep wasn't going to be easy. I woke up a few hours later, and it was one of those times where it felt like I never fell asleep at all. Like I dozed off without myself noticing. I was crushed up against my headboard and my right arm was underneath me and was numb and cold, which along with my abrupt waking up from a not-feeling-like-sleep sleep freaked me out and I felt so disoriented for some reason. It was so fucked up.

I fell back asleep and I had a terrible nightmare. My house was invaded by these bad people and apparently there was a maze in my basement with other random good people in there. Well, I had a radar for some reason, so I could see them all running around down there. Then I see red dots which indicated bombs. The bombs were from the bad guys and they were killing the good guys with them.

Suddenly, I'm in the laundry room with one of the bad guys and I fall for a trap and I release a bomb switch, which looked like a window blinds pull thing caught on the laundry chute. The bad guy told me a bomb would go off in a certain amount of time. I guess I fell asleep during the dream and dreamt that I reversed time and didn't release the switch. But then I woke up and there was ony 60 seconds left to get out of the house before it would blow up. I got everyone out of the house, and run out myself. The sky looked like it was on fire and I aw a bus go by. Buses ALWAYS appear in my dreams. It was as if it were the time I usually wait for a bus to go to school. My mom and dad come outside soon, too. (Where are my brother and my uncle?) As time runs out, a fighter jet flies up directly above my house and I realize  that it wasn't a timer for a bomb in my house, it was a timer for an air raid. The jer started firing missiles down on my house, but then bullets from some unknown source (I didn't bother looking behind me) shot all the missiles down before they reached my house.

That's it. I like to think maybe it signifies something bad trying to get to me and my family, but fate won't let it happen.

HOW AWESOME WAS BB9!? Hahaha. So long, Joshuah. Now James needs to get the fuck OUT OF THERE.

I tried going to sleep early again last night. Failed. Stayed up on MySpace and talked to friends. Mostly new ones! I even talked to that freak, Dev on Yahoo. Fun, fun. Listened to random voice messages on Snapvine. I was pretty happy 'cause I found some things to block the sunlight out of my room while I'm trying to sleep. Yay for dark rooms! Gaby and I went on Xbox Live and played for a while. It was a lot of fun as always!

After that, I talked to Megan who got SUSPENDED and Drew who likes to steal clothes from people who are wearing them. Then I went to bed. I was sooo tired. Slept until about 6 and now here I am. Done and done.

Did I mention today is my half birthday? Six months to 20!

Alright, for those of  you who don't already know, last Wednesday was court again and... we won! I was ecstatic. All the guardianship was returned to us. My uncle is currently living here and some bitch has to check up on us each month but we could hopefully end that soon. The only reason he can't stay at his old place is because he needs a new trailer and he was deemed "incompetent" by his bastard backstabbing doctor. So, to counter that, we can get him another doctor.

I hate that i no longer have the guest bedroom haven to retreat to... but I'm glad we won and that my uncle is safe and here with us.
Drew came back on Friday, so we've been hanging out a lot. It's good to finally hang out with other people. My social life is non existent. That's no secret. He let me borrow Supernatural seasons 1 and 2 and I borrowed him seasons 2-4 of The OC. I barely got through half of the first season. Too much has happened this week and it deterred me from watching it. I started it on Tuesday.

Which is the same day I went on an Avril trip and started downloading most of "Let Go." That album's really good. I like a lot of her old stuff. She needs to return to that. I didn't mind "The Best Damn Thing" but it could've been way better. Tuesday is when my mom got the call from Julie (uncle's lawyer..) about how she anticipated how the trial would go.. she said it'd go well and it DID. As you already know. :D

I am PISSED that Matty got voted out of BB9 on Wednesday! I want James OUT. People like him really rattle my chains. Going off about how you stick to your word and then going back on it. You make yourself look incredibly retarded there. Backstabbing is more appreciated than hypocrisy in my book. Plus he acts like he's some valiant hero out to rid the BB house of evildoers.. aka people who lied to his face and didn't vote him back in. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. Just be thankful you got back into the house. He acts like it's a crime for people to lie to him, yet he can do it to everyone else. Bah. It annoys me something fierce. James should be GONE. Matty should be IN. End of story.

On Thursday, not much happened. I randomly stumbled upon this parody of The OC called "The emOC." It was absolutely hysterical. It was so damn spot on which made it that much funnier. Then I hung out with my cousin and his friend and faced car trouble upon coming back. That was fun. This past week, my internet randomly stopped working at night. It's bullshit. Drew gave me one of his old computers. I just need to find a power socket for it.

All I did on Friday was obsess over South of Nowhere. SO PISSED THAT IT'S ENDING!

Today, some guy from AT&T was gonna come and fix the internet. I was expecting him to be here at like 8.. But what they meant was he was gonna be here any time from 8 to 5. My parents went Easter shopping and the dude showed up and stayed for a while, fixed the internet.. apparently it was interference and did something to somehow allow us to attain our upgrade from 1.5 MB to 3 MB today instead of Monday. It was originally supposed to happen between Wed and Fri, but that didn't happen. I didn't notice much of a difference and I didn't even have a signal most of the time, then my brother checked it out and said it was because the antennae is surrounded by cords and noted that my computer is fucking FULL of dust, so I unhooked everything and took my computer downstairs and we vacuumed it and cleaned it. Then I brought it back up and noticed a difference. I cleaned my room finally, too. I randomly decided to watch a playthrough of Night Trap. Good times.

My parents got home and then I ate and did things for Easter, cleaning, coloring eggs, etc. At this time, I'm juggling a million things. Lots of people called me and shit. I started to watch SNL, which was pretty great with the period pill commercial. Lmfao. But then I had to do other things and missed the rest of it. I taped it, though. I also saw part of MadTV with the Halo 3 spoof. XD

Man, this entry is taking way too long to finish. Alright. Happy Easter, everyone!

Man, I have been feeling my stress catch up to me these past couple days. I've been really exhausted lately. It might be me forcing myself to change my sleep schedule to something more convenient, but I become unbearably exhausted by the time 9 rolls around and that's odd. I wake up at 8 - 10 AM.. Soo. I don't get that.

Wednesday was the big ol' twist for Big Brother. I was so excited to see what it was. But RIGHT when the show began, I fell asleep. BAH! My sleep pattern really loves to spite me. I missed about 40 minutes of it. But my mom taped it so I watched that part afterward. We ordered from Fox's 'cause they're amazing. The twist was pretty much what I envisioned and that's a good thing. Earlier, I randomly stumbled upon this Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on Newlyweds parody. It's so funny! I love Ashlee, and I'm pretty sure it's all in good fun. Not to be defamatory. But don't quote me on it. I SAID DON'T QUOTE ME, DAMMIT! Anyway, it's another thing I do to keep me from going back to the Dark Side™ as I have affectionately dubbed my negative moods.

Click. Click. Clicklcickclcicckclcckckck.

Damn the lack of embedding ability. I think the girl playing Ashlee looks so much like Jamie Lynn Spears.

I noticed that this change has caused me to have three new behaviors; mood swings, weird sleep patterns, and nonstop anger. You'll witness some of the latter in a later entry.

Next day was court. Luckily, I didn't have to go. But the hearing didn't go extraordinary. My mom and my uncle's neighbor, not the bad one, gave their testimony but were forced to leave before any of the opposing morons made theirs for whatever reason.. There's another hearing on the 19th.

I can't recall anything else of significance occuring on that day.. besides talking to Gaby, of course. :D Ooh, I'm finally back into watching As The World Turns. I missed that show. I hadn't been able to watch it for over a month. So much shit has happened so it's kinda hard to keep up. I also added this gorgeous guy on MySpace in hopes of being friends with him.

Friday's Degrassi was spectacular. Probably one of the best episodes I've seen in a while. One of the reasons I'm still watching. That and some syndicated shows I like such as Saved by the Bell and Sabrina are the only reasons I'll watch The N once South of Nowhere takes the dive. I passed out around 9. I am not exaggerating when I say that's the earliest I've gone to bed in probably five years at the very least.

Over the past few days I've been feeling myself come out of my depression/breakdown/crisis thing. But one thing I learned is that I guess I'm pretty fragile. Since the simplest things make me freak out as if I were back at the bottom again.

This morning I kinda hit another breaking point. Hot guy denied me. I just became so insecure and doubting of myself. I felt insecure because I so stupidly attach myself to people I literally have NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT. I can see one picture of a good looking guy. And if they're a right type of "good looking," I'll fall in love. It's retarded, I now. I think it's because I love to adorn these mystery men with all these amazing personal qualities and I reimagine it so much that it's like I was fed this information from someone else or that I personally witnessed it. I felt like such a fraud, too. For reasons I don't feel like going into at the moment. I quickly came out of it, though. Thankfully. I'm better now. Thanks to my friends. I made some more friends, too. They're pretty awesome. :D 

Brenda called me from work today and we talked a lot since there weren't many customers there and I talked to some of her coworkers. Lmao. I love her.

( Guess you'll get some ranting after all. )

Let's see.. what's been going on in the life me me lately..

I left off on Saturday. Not a lot happened on Sunday. About the most exciting thing that happened was the lightning storm. It thundered and lightninged and rained like crazy. It was pretty cool. It's a nice change of pace from the usual snow and no snow. Most of the snow stayed on the ground, though. I love lightning storms. I'm just not too crazy about them when they're right on me. I prefer them in the distance. I think it's more fun looking straight ahead to watch lightning straight than having the look above. That tends to be dangerous.

Monday wasn't so great. My mom woke me up to tell me that my uncle passed out and was unresponsive. My parents rushed there right away. I was very worried but I went back to sleep after they left. My mom came back home and told me he was fine. Thank god. She told me that he said the respirator he was on made him feel weird, then he became unresponsive and the nurses tried to get him out of that state. He could hear them but couldn't respond, then he blacked out and randomly woke out of it later. Yeah, they sure are responsible caretakers. They're setting a lovely example of how to REALLY take care of people, unlike us who are "negligent" and "unfit." FUCK THEM. Since he's been there, he's fallen once and now this happened. While he was in our care, he's barely had any mishaps. Stupid fucks. Not to mention his "guardian" wouldn't answer any of her phones. My god, what a dumb bitch.

I borrowed Rock Band from my brother. It's a hell of a lot of fun. :D I'm pretty good at it and I'm only a beginner.  I didn't go to sleep again until around 11 am. I found that Richard has another MySpace floating around. One that's way more informative than his other one. So I was pretty thrilled about that. I slept until 6 pm. Lmao. Watched AI for the first time in a while. I hate when all my shows are on at the same time. We're low on VCRs so I can't tape my other shows. Even if I could, I'd be too lazy to ever watch them later. I'm such a retard like that. Luckily they have TV online. Bu really, same rules apply. Then I watched BB. I'm so glad Matty is off the block! I can't wait to see what the new twist is gonna be and what the alarm means. I just saw a commercial about it. They say something about Big Brother not letting the evicted houseguests leave and that that's just the beginning of it! Hope it's juicy!

Did I mention that the nice guy lawyer who interviewed me stabbed us in the back and is actually a gigantic douchebag? He says he believes my uncle is incompetent and should have an appointed guardian. Cocksucking bastard.

For the past few days, I've been serial adding people on MySpace again. I DO NOT do it to boost my friend count, I do it to make new friends. LUCKILY most of them added me back this time! Sweet. My luck is coming back to me. I thought it might have been my new, more optimistic profile and possible outlook and it may be the latter. As for the profile, I accidentally forgot to save that. But I since fixed it. Haha. I hope they actually talk to me. As for the ones who didn't add me, whatever to them. Ruuuuude.

I felt so tired come midnight. I just wanted to go to sleep. Even though I'd only been awake for six hours. I went to bed at about half past midnight.. fell asleep a little after 1.. and woke up at 4. Wow. Three hours. Woohoo. I hate that I can only sleep for 3-4 hours at night, yet during the day I can sleep for half of it. I tried going back to sleep but as always that was a bust. I just stayed awake and kept myself amused.

Lately I've been reminiscing about the good times I had not so long ago. Man, I remember how the end of August 2007 felt. I felt so free and happy. It was like the spell of high school broke and I realized finally that I am an amazing person and I am worthwhile. I became more confident and worked hard on bettering myself in more ways than one. I got to meet my cousin Donnie again. He was a lot of fun to be around. I hadn't seen him since I was 4 so I barely remembered him at all. Apparently I was crazy about him when I was younger. September was more of the same. With school going on without me, it forced me to think about that. I miss the good times I had in school. Especially senior year. I miss 8th hour study hall. I miss my friends, the times I had in school that were fun, of course the crushes. End of September Donnie came back. I was making a lot of new friends albeit online but still. I had my friends around me. I didn't feel lonely at all despite missing Richard like fucking crazy.

Everything felt new and exciting. I turned 19 and I had such a fantastic birthday. Many would consider a great 19th getting plastered with friends and getting laid but I had fun staying up until almost 6 AM; it still being dark out and the moon was directly above my head. It was gorgeous outside, there was a nice breeze. I jumped on the trampoline to celebrate my freedom. Because I could stay up that late and do that now. I didn't have to worry about going back to that oppressive school anymore or ever take orders from anybody again. I felt to alive. With fear of not having a birthday at all, waking up and knowing I'd have one was a lot more exciting. I just went to town with my mom and talked on the phone with friend while she got some gifts. Then later I celebrated my birthday with my family and even some extended family. Donnie left the next day and even that day was good. October remained a great month. I made more friends and even had a memorable Halloween.

End of October, beginning of November I came out of my graduate break early because my mom suggested to me this career path that she knew was right up my alley so I got right to work on that. December, kept working hard at it. I also continued to make friends on other venues. I forced myself to stay positive, even in the line of trouble. I was still able to breathe easy. It wasn't until December ended hat my ease went with it. And I refuse to let negative emotion take precedence of my life any longer.

I guess there are some golden moments in everyone's year. Mine for 2006 that I remember well was in December. I recall always wanting to go back to that month. It was flawless. But it seems like things are on an up hill climb for me. I just hope that's true and that I keep climbing.

Happy Leap Day everyone. It seems like forever since the last Leap Day. Kinda weird to think that this day won't exist next year or until 2012. I have not been having a good week. I never talked about how my phone interview with the lawyer, did I? Well his name was Matt and he seemed nice. He wasn't an asshole or anything and he wasn't trying to find dirt to get on us or my uncle. It wasn't long, either. I was way more stressed the day before the actual interview. One the day I actually did it, I just woke up and a few minutes later he called and I got it done before my brother even came upstairs. I was gonna let him do it first, but I just nipped it in the butt. I like getting things over with as fast as possible, anyway. He just asked me if I think he's able to make his own decisions, what my opinion on the situation is, if I had anything to say, and finally if I wanted to assume power of attorney over him, which I said yes to. I took a nice nap after that.

I had a breakdown Thursday morning. I hadn't slept since I woke up on Wednesday and I felt nauseous. I've been stressing and freaking out about shit. I have a huge fear of death and lately it's all I ever think about. I hate it. I'm so afraid of if or when it'll strike me or my family and what happens after we die. It just freaked me out. This has been happening for years. But now it seems to be greatly inflated. I'm a hypochondriac and I'm always checking myself over for signs of illness or disease and I'm driving myself insane. I know I'm about to break. After the breakdown, I went to sleep. I felt delirious. I felt way better after waking up.

My brother and dad are both sick and have missed work most of this week. First it was my brother, then it was my dad. When I woke up on Thursday night, my mom and dad went to town to pick my brother up from work because he was sick. I had the house to myself and time to distract myself  from my depression and get myself back on track.  I'm gonna do my best to have a normal and happy and normal life and forget about death. It doesn't have to be on my mind.  I felt stronger, but I know it's temporary. I'm not over it. But maybe it's a sign of growth. I hope so.

Strommen's Facebook was "hacked" last night and his profile pic was of two guys groping each other and his "interested in" field said "Men" and it was hilarious. I told him that I called it. When he found out, he freaked out and was like "Oh my god, ignore all that! I'm so pissed at the drunk bastards who fucked up my profile! I left Facebook on while I took a midterm!" Yeah, okay. I think he just had a moment of feeling daring enough to share with the world his sexuality, then he chickened out. Haha.

I set my alarm to wake up today at 9:25, which I realize now that that was already pushing it late, so I could meet Gaby on Live, but I felt really horrible. I was so tired and dizzy and I tried so hard to keep myself awake but I ended up crashing. I slept forever. I think all this mental and emotional strain is calling for some recovery so I slept for what seemed like a long time. It wasn't as long as I thought, it was just that I was in a very deep sleep. My mom woke me at around 11 to tell me that she and my brother were going to the lawyer's office for the interview and that the lawyer told her I didn't have to go. I was so happy! I slept in a deep sleep until 3:30 and they still weren't back. My dad stayed home from work. They came back and then my mom and dad went to my uncle's house. Apparently the cats got into the house and are shitting and pissing everywhere. Shit. I can't remember in what time frame, but I kept waking up and falling back asleep and it took  me FOREVER to get up and stay awake. I could've just slept for days. I was exhausted.

The house is being inspected by a lawyer and the health dept. or some shit in the near future. FUCK THEM! It's cleaning time, dammit.

I totally downloaded Jumper. It's sooo good! It took me about a half a day to get it. My fucking computer kept going into standby, which may or may not have slowed it down. Piece of shit. Argh. But I have it nonetheless. I just wish I could watch it better. With four bars on the screen, I feel like I'm watching it through a jail cell. Hayden is teh sex.

I'm now on playing gratuitous amounts of Burnout Paradise. I went from a D license to a B license in a matter of hours. I'm halfway to my A license! Yay! I love that game, it's a lot of fun to play. Can be frustrating as hell, too. On my breakdown day, I watched House Calls for the first time, the Big Brother talk show. It's a fun show. I wish I would've started watching sooner.

One last thing: HOW SHITTY IS IT THAT SOUTH OF NOWHERE IS ENDING SOON!?

I slept really well. Dawn looked amazing so I snapped some pictures. I'm always taking pictures of random things like skyscapes and when I win on Xbox Live. Lmao. I'm fairly certain I had some sort of eccentric dream before waking up, earlier than usual I might add, but I don't remember it. I had some sort of sexual fantasy when I woke up at 1, which is why I'm thinking I had a dirty dream prior which fueled that fantasy.

My mom "woke me up" and told me that some lawyer.. person.. dude.. guy had to interview me and my brother on the phone like NOW in relation to my uncle. He told her to tell me not to be worried, that he's not looking to find something wrong and that he's not a bad person and that he's not gonna exploit me or whatever. He needed to know if I wanted to be my uncle's power of attorney and some information about the housing situation. It'd only be a couple minutes but I still didn't wanna do it. She also told me I'd have to go with her and my brother to have an in-person interview with my uncle's actual lawyer on a later day. Ugh.

Well, we were waiting for everyone to be ready and then my mom called his office. We had to do this before my brother and dad left for work.. which was in like 20 mins at that point. Well.. he had since left for an appointment. His secretary didn't know when he'd be back. I was kinda relieved but at the same time not. I just wanted to get it over with. I hate stressors. I suggested he could interview me alone if he called later and he could interview my brother tomorrow so they could leave for work. He never called. I was gonna go back to sleep after that, but I figured I'd stay up in case he did call so I would be ready.

My mom and I were about to clean up a bit in case one of those fucking feds came to inspect our living conditions but we were about to have company. So I just went to my room and laid down and ended up falling asleep. That's when I had the more memorable dreams. I dreamt about meeting Megan for the millionth time.. and about a bunch of people getting in some sort of trouble. Can't really remember.

My mom woke me up with perch and then I proceeded to do online stuff and listen to music and watch videos until BB9 came on. It was an intense episode. Wow. I saw some of the things that went on on the live feeds/YouTube and BB blogs but they showed a bit more. It was crazy. I won't spoil it. Afterwards, I helped my mom with more cleaning.

I really can't wait until Ashlee Simpson's new CD!

I dunno how I let time get away from me like this. But whatever. Sunday wasn't spectacular. I just watched Big Brother and the Academy Awards. I'm so glad Juno won some awards and that Heath Ledger was honored. I also watched Cold Case, which is a good show. It's pretty moving.

Big Brother After Dark is so much fun to watch. That night, they had a strip show that pretty much turned into a living room orgy. Then they all went skinny dipping. Lmao. I wish I could have that much fun. While it was on, a strange car kept going past my house; what I saw was them going past my house from the right slowly, like they were gonna turn into the driveway. I thought they were my parents but they kept going. Then, they slowed down by my neighbor's driveway. So I thought it was them.. then the U-turned, slowed down my driveway.. kept going.. U-turned AGAIN.. went down the lane next to my house.. came back up.. then went to my next door neighbor's house.. stayed there a while, then left with my neighbor behind him. Suspicious much? Gotta  watch out for those fucking feds.

Earlier, I saw an ad for Gears of War 2 coming out in November which inspired me to pick up my copy of GoW which I got for Christmas 2006 and hadn't played pretty much since I got it (which was the same for FEAR and those Burger King games... pretty much all the games.. heh.) I played a little bit of the part I was currently at, kept dying and quit. I tried again later and kept at it. At first, I was thinking I wouldn't be interested in this game, but it was way cool and very interesting and kept me coming back for more. My brother went on Live and co-oped with me on some of the game. It was a lot of fun. I didn't think you could play 2 player on a campaign over Live.

The next day, I played a lot more. I breezed through that game. I love it when games are more like a downhill climb than an uphill one. When I say that, I mean that it's not IMPOSSIBLY hard to get through, not necessarily kindergarten level. Extremely hard and/or boring games just turn me off. My brother wanted me to try Rock Band with him. I'm not really into those kinda games, so I didn't wanna do it but I did anyway. Truth is, it was actually pretty fun! I think I will definitely play again soon! Later, he helped me with the final boss on GoW. Amazing game fo' sho'.

After that was done, I popped in the demo disc he got from Xbox magazine and played the main demo from the disc. It's a game called "Turning Point: Fall of Liberty," and it's about an alternate history if Winston Churchill had died when he got hit by the taxi in 1931 instead of survived, how different things would be. It results in the Nazis attacking New York City. It's rather profound but the game seems like it could be really entertaining from the short playable demo. I know it'll stir up controversy. The game was actually released here today ("today" being the 26th, not the 27th) in NA before anywhere else. Damn, I'm gonna have to add that to my suddenly ever growing list of games to buy.

We're all put in hard situations for a reason. The reason is there's a problem. We'll stay within that situation until we find a solution. Only then are we allowed to leave and go back home. I've been in this place many times before and I have tasted the sweetness of freedom. I know what it's like. But there is no backdoor. The only way for me to get through this is to wait it out. Once it's done I hope it leaves me stronger so that I never have to come back.

I'm going to talk about random things again.. When I was young, I asked my grandma who her kids were and she told me that my dad was her kid. I didn't believe her. I was incredulous to the fact that kids eventually grew up. I've known all my life that I was gay. But somehow I still felt feelings for girls. "Cool looking" guys gave me erections when I was little. I've been swearing my whole life. I became a pervert when I was 10 years old; I used to hate it, now I love it. I got my first kiss when I was 7 years old. The amount of times I ever went to church can be counted on the hand of one of Jigsaw's victims. I faked sick for a week to miss a week's worth of school. That week plus the subsequent weekend and the previous winter break totaled my time away from school as 18 days.I slipped and smacked my head on the edge of a concrete gutter when I was about 6 and bled all over the place. I got away without needing stitches. My first conscious ejaculation was when I was 14 and it was to the last person you'd ever expect. I love all music but my favorite genre is shamelessly pop. The farthest I've been out of state is to Illinois. Nickelodeon was once my favorite channel. Then it sold out and I hate it. I still remember the name of the first person I ever had an actual one-on-one online conversation with. I just wish I could've talked to them again. Thinking of my online past makes me feel sad because I made so many wonderful friends on TalkCity chatrooms and now I'll never see them again. Not unless they organize "TalkCity Reunion: Class of '99"

Maybe I'll add to this later.. but for now the rest can be a mystery.

How about the drama going on in the BB house with Amanda, Allison and Natalie?

I must say that nothing far from the usual despair has been occurring in my life as of late. Hence the lack of updates. What more can I say of my routines besides Xbox Live and Big Brother 9, which is, as usual, entertaining.

I started rewatching the first season of The OC. It helps me get to sleep. Takes my mind off the bad things. That's ultimately what makes it so hard to get to sleep sometimes.

I know you're all eager to find out what's going on in my uncle's case. Well, my parents went to court on Tuesday. They were not allowed to even speak, but to watch as the judge and every other crooked fucker in the room made it seem as if my uncle was incompetent, which he is NOT. He is hard of hearing and they all did their best to ignore it and ignorantly accuse him of being incapacitated. What a bunch of shit. I fucking hate those people. It is beyond fucked up that they get to have so much control. In any case, they revoked my mom's power of attorney and all her rights of him. He's stayiing in some nursing home,  which means they'll bleed his money and property dry. The bitch over there accused him of having dementia. HE DOESN'T HAVE DEMENTIA! What the FUCK!?

Now there's another hearing on the 6th. All that needs to happen is for his real doctor to say he's not incompetent. I got a court notice in the mail, so that may or may not mean I have to go to court. I don't wanna go. My mom, brother and I went to the house last night and they put some notice on the door saying that it's currently unlivable. As if anyone's gonna go to the house and check it out. The cats are fine. I only saw half of them. The others were probably hiding.I'll only really worry if they're gone for a long time. Apparently when my dad was up there earlier, after he left, one of the douches went there in a red van. The neighbors (not the bad ones) called my mom and told her. She told my dad who said he saw them as they passed him. He went back to go check and they were gone. I love how these assholes trek all the way to the boonies to snap a few pictures. Relentless pricks.

In order to get myself out of a chronic bad mood. I've turned to a chronic outside resource. Do any of you watch Big Brother? I like Matt and Alex. So, I started playing Halo 3 again last night. It was a nice change of pace. I watched some of the recent videos of my games in theater. For some reason, my helmet changes in the last two games of Hammerzeit. Hmm. I'm pissed 'cause I didn't save my first multiplayer videos. =[

My mom and I took out the Christmas tree. That was a lot of fun. x_x

There's a lunar eclipse tonight! So glad it's clear out. I can see it already.

Happy Vallentine's Day, everyone! Hope yours was better than mine. Mine was incredibly boring and ordinary. Forgot a few times that today was a holiday. This is unfortunately my first boring V-day. Sigh.

Yesterday was pretty cool. While I was stoned and on the phone with Drew, I totally kicked these guys' asses on FEAR. It was crazy. I couldn't believe it. I fucked sucked at multiplayer and suddenly while I'm slightly high and on the phone, I'm beating up three dudes online? Insane. I thought it was wicked. I must be getting better. Oh, and before that I beat the campaign/actual game of FEAR. It was a lot of fun. Cool ending.

Big Brother 9 is interesting. It's confusing as fuck though. The exes got kicked off but now one of them is back and one of the gay guys are gone. That sucks. None of the BB spoiler sites are even talking about it nor do they mention it in the crawlon After Dark. Weird as hell. They say it might be a short season since people get evicted in pairs and since it's only on because of the writer's strike. BB is a summer show, not supposed to be on in the winter. Plus, they're gonna air BB10 in July as normal. Yay!

Lawlz. Everyone in the BB house is freaking out because they think James and Chelsia are secretly brother and sister.

Here's what I did to celebrate Valentine's Day: shoveled the driveway and I'm getting food. Hooray! The end.

Jesus H. Christ! I want to be able to fucking see on my goddamn computer! UGGGHHH!!! X_X My mom has been looking it up online for a while now. She says she might have found a few solutions. Let's hope they work.

Donnie went home today. We all woke up early, around 1 in the afternoon to say goodbye. I was a bit cranky because I was tired. Really only to my mom. I apologized for that. I really wish I wasn't such a dick.

I finished off the remaining episodes of The OC. Sigh. I'm bummed now because I'm officially permanently OCless. Maybe I should rewatch again from the beginning. But maybe not. Maybe I should put them away for a long time and watch them again in a few years. If I watch and rewatch the series over and over again, I'll become too used to it and I'll get tired of it. If I wait a while until the next time, it'll be like new again.

Big Brother 9 premiered tonight!! It was really good. I liked it. And After Dark came back with it, too. My mom and I watched it. The gay guys are relatively attractive and some others. The twist is pretty cool. By the time After Dark came on, one couple was already evicted. What's up with that? That annoys me. There has to be another twist, 'cause if they plan on evicting in twos, then the show will be done in eight weeks and it's supposed to run for three months. Hmm.

It feels empty in the house the day Donnie leaves. It's kind of a relief to go back to normal but when he's here, we're all usually in a better mood and fight less. He distracts us from the shitty lives we have and when he's gone it's back to being morose.

I am in desperate need of a male. Man, I need someone like crazy. I'm almost 20 and I never had a boyfriend. Ever. Never even touched one.. like that. Right now, I don't even care if I'm "with" a guy who I can call my boyfriend. Even if it's a one night stand or a hook up. I don't care. I just need some sort of male attention/affection.

Doesn't it seem like all I ever update about is how I sit on my ass playing Xbox Live and watching The OC? Well hey, until I start my career as a computer graphic artist, this is one of the last chances I get to be lazy all the time. Sue me. It's entertaining to me.

Yesterday, I did more than that. My entire family, including Donnie, went out to eat. First time I did that in like years. It was a lot of fun. The restaurant was pretty much vacant due to the extreme cold and drifting. It was about 30-40 degrees below zero. It was really nice. I've learned that being with my family isn't always a lame affair and most of the time, dare I say it, is actually pleasant.

After that, I did my usual impenetrable combo of Xbox Live and The OC. Later on, I played a game of Yahtzee with my mom and Donnie, didn't win. Haha. Mainly because I was so tired. But I did pretty well for not having played in like eight years. Dakota, my husky, ripped part of my brother's Samantha Fox poster since he was in the basement due to the cold. He wasn't happy to hear about that today. My mom's getting him a new one from eBay. What would we do without online auctions? More dog drama. When my mom took him back outside, he almost got away. Luckily, he came back to her.

I spent today being my lazy self once again. FEAR freezes on me sometimes. It's only happened twice recently, but it still annoys me. I'm getting close to the end. I truly underestimated that game. I'm also coming to the end of The OC. Sigh. The show ended twice for me. At the end of season three and four. The show is just so different in the fourth season than it was in the previous three. At first glance, I wish the series was still going on but then I realize it was about time for the show to end. Some good shows don't know when to quit and they go on far past its expiration date and then people can't wait for it to be over. I didn't want that to happen to The OC. By the way, I'd totally tap Kaitlin's tennis instructor. DAMN!

Today is Donnie's last full day in Wisconsin. He was gone gambling most of the day with his sister. Ten days seemed pretty daunting at first but now it seems like they flew by and were over before I was ready. Then I remember he came on the day of the Super Bowl and it seems like a long ass time ago. Does that ever happen to you? Two events that happen on the same day, one seems like it happened forever ago and the other seems like it happened a few seconds ago? Or maybe one thing happened recently, and another happened long ago, but it feels like the opposite? Happens to me all the time. I got to spend a lot of time with him, so I'm glad about that. Plus, he'll be back again soon enough. Either in a few months or in July.

Big Brother 9 starts tomorrow!! Well, technically later today but it's still Monday to me. LG15 season three started today, but I didn't watch. Because I CAN'T. Didn't get to watch the Community week shit, either. I'm not so bummed. Didn't seem that interesting to begin with.

Well, I'm gonna go. Seeing as how my last entries were about 120 pages long and I haven't received comments kinda tells me I'm a bit wordy and that no one cares to read about my boring drivel. Sorry about not commenting/reading about you guys recently. Believe me, if I could, I would. Before I forget. We think it's the video card, so we're getting new ones soon. Alright. later.