Woven Cognition

yesterday was a major flop. it did not turn out as nice as i had anticipated. it started before i even went to bed. man, was i miserable. i thought that my fucking cold would have been done by yesterday, but think it was possibly the most irritating day yet. it was really hard to breathe and i had to keep blowing my nose every two seconds and my eyes were watering a lot. it took me a long time to fall asleep and i only slept for a couple hours.

the n's been playing some old school nickelodeon shows, which is pretty cool. it makes me feel nostalgic, so i looked up some clips from all that on youtube. this one guy posted a bunch of clips from ask ashley. haha. they're still funny. there were some others, too. the next day, yesterday, i went to go look at them again, and some were deleted. a little later on, they were all deleted and the guy's account was suspended due to him having so many copyright infringed videos. seriously, fuck youtube. copyright infringement my ass. what sense does it make that we can't watch those videos online for free, but we can watch them on tv for free?

little miss obsessive's video was supposed to premiere on trl finally yesterday, but did that happen? nope. i was pissed. whatever. i did get to see this gorgeous man on another show on mtv. holy fuck. i almost died. it's so fucking depressing seeing hot guys you know you'll never have. fuck.

my mom and i argued about me looking for some shit that i had no clue where it was, and she refused to help me. argh. it's no big deal anymore. i looked and couldn't find it. she said it wasn't really that necessary to have, anyway.

i was too bored to play on xbl last night. lately, no one's been on there or no one's been playing halo. it kinda sucks. everyone's playing cod4 or gta4. so, i killed the boredom by watching the unadvertised 24+ hour marathon of zoey 101. i guess they heard my inside joke of the episodes lasting for days at a time. or they were promoting the series finale.

today was much better. my brother gave me this screen recorder, so i can record things from youtube and wherever else. yay! not so much happened today, really. but it is better than being miserable. i watched the series finale of zoey 101. aw. =[ i just started watching it, too. it was good, though.

tomorrow i get my new tv. =] i'm psyched. i gotta clean it up, still. something tells me i'll have more than enough time to do that tomorrow, though. but, i'll still do it tonight, most likely.

mannnnn.. it was real shitty out most of today. then, it was foggy and come dusk, the fog lifted and it was gorgeous outside and it became windy. goddd. i love it. later, folks.

i feel much better today. =]

oh and in case you're wondering, 'cause i know you were, my left shift key broke. i refuse to bother using the right shift key, because i am left shift key oriented. only.

Man, I have been feeling my stress catch up to me these past couple days. I've been really exhausted lately. It might be me forcing myself to change my sleep schedule to something more convenient, but I become unbearably exhausted by the time 9 rolls around and that's odd. I wake up at 8 - 10 AM.. Soo. I don't get that.

Wednesday was the big ol' twist for Big Brother. I was so excited to see what it was. But RIGHT when the show began, I fell asleep. BAH! My sleep pattern really loves to spite me. I missed about 40 minutes of it. But my mom taped it so I watched that part afterward. We ordered from Fox's 'cause they're amazing. The twist was pretty much what I envisioned and that's a good thing. Earlier, I randomly stumbled upon this Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on Newlyweds parody. It's so funny! I love Ashlee, and I'm pretty sure it's all in good fun. Not to be defamatory. But don't quote me on it. I SAID DON'T QUOTE ME, DAMMIT! Anyway, it's another thing I do to keep me from going back to the Dark Side™ as I have affectionately dubbed my negative moods.

Click. Click. Clicklcickclcicckclcckckck.

Damn the lack of embedding ability. I think the girl playing Ashlee looks so much like Jamie Lynn Spears.

I noticed that this change has caused me to have three new behaviors; mood swings, weird sleep patterns, and nonstop anger. You'll witness some of the latter in a later entry.

Next day was court. Luckily, I didn't have to go. But the hearing didn't go extraordinary. My mom and my uncle's neighbor, not the bad one, gave their testimony but were forced to leave before any of the opposing morons made theirs for whatever reason.. There's another hearing on the 19th.

I can't recall anything else of significance occuring on that day.. besides talking to Gaby, of course. :D Ooh, I'm finally back into watching As The World Turns. I missed that show. I hadn't been able to watch it for over a month. So much shit has happened so it's kinda hard to keep up. I also added this gorgeous guy on MySpace in hopes of being friends with him.

Friday's Degrassi was spectacular. Probably one of the best episodes I've seen in a while. One of the reasons I'm still watching. That and some syndicated shows I like such as Saved by the Bell and Sabrina are the only reasons I'll watch The N once South of Nowhere takes the dive. I passed out around 9. I am not exaggerating when I say that's the earliest I've gone to bed in probably five years at the very least.

Over the past few days I've been feeling myself come out of my depression/breakdown/crisis thing. But one thing I learned is that I guess I'm pretty fragile. Since the simplest things make me freak out as if I were back at the bottom again.

This morning I kinda hit another breaking point. Hot guy denied me. I just became so insecure and doubting of myself. I felt insecure because I so stupidly attach myself to people I literally have NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT. I can see one picture of a good looking guy. And if they're a right type of "good looking," I'll fall in love. It's retarded, I now. I think it's because I love to adorn these mystery men with all these amazing personal qualities and I reimagine it so much that it's like I was fed this information from someone else or that I personally witnessed it. I felt like such a fraud, too. For reasons I don't feel like going into at the moment. I quickly came out of it, though. Thankfully. I'm better now. Thanks to my friends. I made some more friends, too. They're pretty awesome. :D 

Brenda called me from work today and we talked a lot since there weren't many customers there and I talked to some of her coworkers. Lmao. I love her.

( Guess you'll get some ranting after all. )

Happy Leap Day everyone. It seems like forever since the last Leap Day. Kinda weird to think that this day won't exist next year or until 2012. I have not been having a good week. I never talked about how my phone interview with the lawyer, did I? Well his name was Matt and he seemed nice. He wasn't an asshole or anything and he wasn't trying to find dirt to get on us or my uncle. It wasn't long, either. I was way more stressed the day before the actual interview. One the day I actually did it, I just woke up and a few minutes later he called and I got it done before my brother even came upstairs. I was gonna let him do it first, but I just nipped it in the butt. I like getting things over with as fast as possible, anyway. He just asked me if I think he's able to make his own decisions, what my opinion on the situation is, if I had anything to say, and finally if I wanted to assume power of attorney over him, which I said yes to. I took a nice nap after that.

I had a breakdown Thursday morning. I hadn't slept since I woke up on Wednesday and I felt nauseous. I've been stressing and freaking out about shit. I have a huge fear of death and lately it's all I ever think about. I hate it. I'm so afraid of if or when it'll strike me or my family and what happens after we die. It just freaked me out. This has been happening for years. But now it seems to be greatly inflated. I'm a hypochondriac and I'm always checking myself over for signs of illness or disease and I'm driving myself insane. I know I'm about to break. After the breakdown, I went to sleep. I felt delirious. I felt way better after waking up.

My brother and dad are both sick and have missed work most of this week. First it was my brother, then it was my dad. When I woke up on Thursday night, my mom and dad went to town to pick my brother up from work because he was sick. I had the house to myself and time to distract myself  from my depression and get myself back on track.  I'm gonna do my best to have a normal and happy and normal life and forget about death. It doesn't have to be on my mind.  I felt stronger, but I know it's temporary. I'm not over it. But maybe it's a sign of growth. I hope so.

Strommen's Facebook was "hacked" last night and his profile pic was of two guys groping each other and his "interested in" field said "Men" and it was hilarious. I told him that I called it. When he found out, he freaked out and was like "Oh my god, ignore all that! I'm so pissed at the drunk bastards who fucked up my profile! I left Facebook on while I took a midterm!" Yeah, okay. I think he just had a moment of feeling daring enough to share with the world his sexuality, then he chickened out. Haha.

I set my alarm to wake up today at 9:25, which I realize now that that was already pushing it late, so I could meet Gaby on Live, but I felt really horrible. I was so tired and dizzy and I tried so hard to keep myself awake but I ended up crashing. I slept forever. I think all this mental and emotional strain is calling for some recovery so I slept for what seemed like a long time. It wasn't as long as I thought, it was just that I was in a very deep sleep. My mom woke me at around 11 to tell me that she and my brother were going to the lawyer's office for the interview and that the lawyer told her I didn't have to go. I was so happy! I slept in a deep sleep until 3:30 and they still weren't back. My dad stayed home from work. They came back and then my mom and dad went to my uncle's house. Apparently the cats got into the house and are shitting and pissing everywhere. Shit. I can't remember in what time frame, but I kept waking up and falling back asleep and it took  me FOREVER to get up and stay awake. I could've just slept for days. I was exhausted.

The house is being inspected by a lawyer and the health dept. or some shit in the near future. FUCK THEM! It's cleaning time, dammit.

I totally downloaded Jumper. It's sooo good! It took me about a half a day to get it. My fucking computer kept going into standby, which may or may not have slowed it down. Piece of shit. Argh. But I have it nonetheless. I just wish I could watch it better. With four bars on the screen, I feel like I'm watching it through a jail cell. Hayden is teh sex.

I'm now on playing gratuitous amounts of Burnout Paradise. I went from a D license to a B license in a matter of hours. I'm halfway to my A license! Yay! I love that game, it's a lot of fun to play. Can be frustrating as hell, too. On my breakdown day, I watched House Calls for the first time, the Big Brother talk show. It's a fun show. I wish I would've started watching sooner.

One last thing: HOW SHITTY IS IT THAT SOUTH OF NOWHERE IS ENDING SOON!?

I'm quite possibly in the lowest area I've been in my life or at least in a while.

I think back to October of last year, even December and it seems like I was in another world compared to where I am now.. how the hell did I get here? This place I'm in now feels so unrecognizable as to where I was then. It feels like hell. Constantly unhappy, hopeless, never excited for anything anymore. It makes me so furious that everything has to be negative all the time.

A few months ago I was so productive with my project and so excited about it. I was looking forward to success and dreaming of being able to do what I want. Then, a long string of shitty things struck me and suddenly that incline was ripped away from me. I'm at a loss of words to describe how I feel about it. I just want to scream and lose control.

I wish there was some horrible person at the center of this uncanny horrid coincidence so I could hunt them down and make sure they felt every single ounce of pain they caused me and everyone around me. But that's the worst part; there's no one to blame. These events have had both a direct and indirect impact on my life. Hindering me and putting me in a completely dismal state.

I want to do everything I can to turn things around and get myself happy again. I want to be able to look up again. It's not fair to have to deal with everything getting progressively worse every day. I'm starting to not care about anything. I'm not gonna give up on my website. I won't give up on my dream and I won't give up on life. I hate feeling vulnerable and scared. I need to go back to feeling robust and happy again. I'll do anything to return to that.

Jesus H. Christ! I want to be able to fucking see on my goddamn computer! UGGGHHH!!! X_X My mom has been looking it up online for a while now. She says she might have found a few solutions. Let's hope they work.

Donnie went home today. We all woke up early, around 1 in the afternoon to say goodbye. I was a bit cranky because I was tired. Really only to my mom. I apologized for that. I really wish I wasn't such a dick.

I finished off the remaining episodes of The OC. Sigh. I'm bummed now because I'm officially permanently OCless. Maybe I should rewatch again from the beginning. But maybe not. Maybe I should put them away for a long time and watch them again in a few years. If I watch and rewatch the series over and over again, I'll become too used to it and I'll get tired of it. If I wait a while until the next time, it'll be like new again.

Big Brother 9 premiered tonight!! It was really good. I liked it. And After Dark came back with it, too. My mom and I watched it. The gay guys are relatively attractive and some others. The twist is pretty cool. By the time After Dark came on, one couple was already evicted. What's up with that? That annoys me. There has to be another twist, 'cause if they plan on evicting in twos, then the show will be done in eight weeks and it's supposed to run for three months. Hmm.

It feels empty in the house the day Donnie leaves. It's kind of a relief to go back to normal but when he's here, we're all usually in a better mood and fight less. He distracts us from the shitty lives we have and when he's gone it's back to being morose.

I am in desperate need of a male. Man, I need someone like crazy. I'm almost 20 and I never had a boyfriend. Ever. Never even touched one.. like that. Right now, I don't even care if I'm "with" a guy who I can call my boyfriend. Even if it's a one night stand or a hook up. I don't care. I just need some sort of male attention/affection.