Woven Cognition

Man, I have been feeling my stress catch up to me these past couple days. I've been really exhausted lately. It might be me forcing myself to change my sleep schedule to something more convenient, but I become unbearably exhausted by the time 9 rolls around and that's odd. I wake up at 8 - 10 AM.. Soo. I don't get that.

Wednesday was the big ol' twist for Big Brother. I was so excited to see what it was. But RIGHT when the show began, I fell asleep. BAH! My sleep pattern really loves to spite me. I missed about 40 minutes of it. But my mom taped it so I watched that part afterward. We ordered from Fox's 'cause they're amazing. The twist was pretty much what I envisioned and that's a good thing. Earlier, I randomly stumbled upon this Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on Newlyweds parody. It's so funny! I love Ashlee, and I'm pretty sure it's all in good fun. Not to be defamatory. But don't quote me on it. I SAID DON'T QUOTE ME, DAMMIT! Anyway, it's another thing I do to keep me from going back to the Dark Side™ as I have affectionately dubbed my negative moods.

Click. Click. Clicklcickclcicckclcckckck.

Damn the lack of embedding ability. I think the girl playing Ashlee looks so much like Jamie Lynn Spears.

I noticed that this change has caused me to have three new behaviors; mood swings, weird sleep patterns, and nonstop anger. You'll witness some of the latter in a later entry.

Next day was court. Luckily, I didn't have to go. But the hearing didn't go extraordinary. My mom and my uncle's neighbor, not the bad one, gave their testimony but were forced to leave before any of the opposing morons made theirs for whatever reason.. There's another hearing on the 19th.

I can't recall anything else of significance occuring on that day.. besides talking to Gaby, of course. :D Ooh, I'm finally back into watching As The World Turns. I missed that show. I hadn't been able to watch it for over a month. So much shit has happened so it's kinda hard to keep up. I also added this gorgeous guy on MySpace in hopes of being friends with him.

Friday's Degrassi was spectacular. Probably one of the best episodes I've seen in a while. One of the reasons I'm still watching. That and some syndicated shows I like such as Saved by the Bell and Sabrina are the only reasons I'll watch The N once South of Nowhere takes the dive. I passed out around 9. I am not exaggerating when I say that's the earliest I've gone to bed in probably five years at the very least.

Over the past few days I've been feeling myself come out of my depression/breakdown/crisis thing. But one thing I learned is that I guess I'm pretty fragile. Since the simplest things make me freak out as if I were back at the bottom again.

This morning I kinda hit another breaking point. Hot guy denied me. I just became so insecure and doubting of myself. I felt insecure because I so stupidly attach myself to people I literally have NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT. I can see one picture of a good looking guy. And if they're a right type of "good looking," I'll fall in love. It's retarded, I now. I think it's because I love to adorn these mystery men with all these amazing personal qualities and I reimagine it so much that it's like I was fed this information from someone else or that I personally witnessed it. I felt like such a fraud, too. For reasons I don't feel like going into at the moment. I quickly came out of it, though. Thankfully. I'm better now. Thanks to my friends. I made some more friends, too. They're pretty awesome. :D 

Brenda called me from work today and we talked a lot since there weren't many customers there and I talked to some of her coworkers. Lmao. I love her.

( Guess you'll get some ranting after all. )

Happy Leap Day everyone. It seems like forever since the last Leap Day. Kinda weird to think that this day won't exist next year or until 2012. I have not been having a good week. I never talked about how my phone interview with the lawyer, did I? Well his name was Matt and he seemed nice. He wasn't an asshole or anything and he wasn't trying to find dirt to get on us or my uncle. It wasn't long, either. I was way more stressed the day before the actual interview. One the day I actually did it, I just woke up and a few minutes later he called and I got it done before my brother even came upstairs. I was gonna let him do it first, but I just nipped it in the butt. I like getting things over with as fast as possible, anyway. He just asked me if I think he's able to make his own decisions, what my opinion on the situation is, if I had anything to say, and finally if I wanted to assume power of attorney over him, which I said yes to. I took a nice nap after that.

I had a breakdown Thursday morning. I hadn't slept since I woke up on Wednesday and I felt nauseous. I've been stressing and freaking out about shit. I have a huge fear of death and lately it's all I ever think about. I hate it. I'm so afraid of if or when it'll strike me or my family and what happens after we die. It just freaked me out. This has been happening for years. But now it seems to be greatly inflated. I'm a hypochondriac and I'm always checking myself over for signs of illness or disease and I'm driving myself insane. I know I'm about to break. After the breakdown, I went to sleep. I felt delirious. I felt way better after waking up.

My brother and dad are both sick and have missed work most of this week. First it was my brother, then it was my dad. When I woke up on Thursday night, my mom and dad went to town to pick my brother up from work because he was sick. I had the house to myself and time to distract myself  from my depression and get myself back on track.  I'm gonna do my best to have a normal and happy and normal life and forget about death. It doesn't have to be on my mind.  I felt stronger, but I know it's temporary. I'm not over it. But maybe it's a sign of growth. I hope so.

Strommen's Facebook was "hacked" last night and his profile pic was of two guys groping each other and his "interested in" field said "Men" and it was hilarious. I told him that I called it. When he found out, he freaked out and was like "Oh my god, ignore all that! I'm so pissed at the drunk bastards who fucked up my profile! I left Facebook on while I took a midterm!" Yeah, okay. I think he just had a moment of feeling daring enough to share with the world his sexuality, then he chickened out. Haha.

I set my alarm to wake up today at 9:25, which I realize now that that was already pushing it late, so I could meet Gaby on Live, but I felt really horrible. I was so tired and dizzy and I tried so hard to keep myself awake but I ended up crashing. I slept forever. I think all this mental and emotional strain is calling for some recovery so I slept for what seemed like a long time. It wasn't as long as I thought, it was just that I was in a very deep sleep. My mom woke me at around 11 to tell me that she and my brother were going to the lawyer's office for the interview and that the lawyer told her I didn't have to go. I was so happy! I slept in a deep sleep until 3:30 and they still weren't back. My dad stayed home from work. They came back and then my mom and dad went to my uncle's house. Apparently the cats got into the house and are shitting and pissing everywhere. Shit. I can't remember in what time frame, but I kept waking up and falling back asleep and it took  me FOREVER to get up and stay awake. I could've just slept for days. I was exhausted.

The house is being inspected by a lawyer and the health dept. or some shit in the near future. FUCK THEM! It's cleaning time, dammit.

I totally downloaded Jumper. It's sooo good! It took me about a half a day to get it. My fucking computer kept going into standby, which may or may not have slowed it down. Piece of shit. Argh. But I have it nonetheless. I just wish I could watch it better. With four bars on the screen, I feel like I'm watching it through a jail cell. Hayden is teh sex.

I'm now on playing gratuitous amounts of Burnout Paradise. I went from a D license to a B license in a matter of hours. I'm halfway to my A license! Yay! I love that game, it's a lot of fun to play. Can be frustrating as hell, too. On my breakdown day, I watched House Calls for the first time, the Big Brother talk show. It's a fun show. I wish I would've started watching sooner.

One last thing: HOW SHITTY IS IT THAT SOUTH OF NOWHERE IS ENDING SOON!?