Woven Cognition

Don't remember a lot from Thursday. Other than that I played with Gaby on Live and Michael was voted off AI. I was so mad about that! Oh, and I had trouble with brushes. Blah.Also, dealing with sleeping problems sucks.

My sleep schedule continued to plague me on Friday. I was about to go to sleep but then I had a head explosion and couldn't go back to sleep. Then, it started thundering and lightning outside. So, I just stayed awake for a long time. I finally went to bed around 2:30 after talking to Megan a couple times, MySpacin' and Eccoin' and breakfastin'.

I had a provocative dream involving one of my friends. It ended up being a wet dream in a weird way. It was bizarre, but erotic. I haven't had one of those in a really long time. Like, since I was 14. Lmao. I know you thought that was TMI. OH WELL!!! Then, I woke up late while Degrassi was on. Not much else of interest that day.

Last Saturday was warm and windy, this Saturday started off cold and snowy. Ugh. We have the most fucked up weather in Wisconsin. By the time I woke up, most of the snow had melted. Thank god! That night, I just decided to play Halo 3 on Xbox Live. I'm glad I did. It was a lot of fun. And really, the first time I actually avidly played it. Usually I play it sporadically and for like an hour at a time. I played from midnight to 4 am. I'm REALLY immersed in it, now. I even encountered this little asshole kid who talked shit to me. Lmao. He must've been younger than 12. He kept calling me a "disease" because of my gamertag. Ha. Whatever. I kicked his scrawny little ass and told him off afterwards. Bet he didn't see that coming. Looking at the video of the match, he just pussed around most of the game and went into hiding after I killed him. HAHA!! LOSER!!

I don't recall much of Sunday.. moving on.. I went to sleep EARLY on Sunday night/Monday morning at about 2 am. Then, I woke up suddenly at 6 am. Couldn't get back to slleep, and I was wide awake anyway, so I stayed up. Monday was strange. I felt fine for the first few hours, continued playing more of Halo. Which I had been doing every day since Saturday night. My mom wanted me to help with yard work, which I would have done, but I started feeling dizzy and had a headache. I think it's from lack of sleep and that I was up for a while by then. Then, my mom got a call from my dad saying the hood on the car flew back and broke the windshield when him and my bro were on their way to work. My dad accidentally didn't close it right when they were at the gas station. They're both alright. No injuries. The windshield needs to be replaced. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. The hood is all bent up, too.

I went to sleep after they came back home and slept for 5 hours. 3-8. Longer than I expected to. I felt bad, because it was such a nice day outside and I missed out on it. I also feel bad for not helping my mom outside, but I felt sick. I had an odd dream, in it I was at my house with my family and some guy came home with my brother. He was like some sort of lawyer. While he was here, three helicopters crashed in our yard. It wasn't a HUGE deal for some reason. To my family, it kinda was a mere disturbance, but no one else in the neighborhood seemed to notice. The copters were kinda small, too. There were people camped out in the backyard and we went out and talked to them and found out they were the reason the crashes happened and apparently there were seven building explosions in the news, they were also behind them. The man who came to our house was also involved. It ended there. It was so strange. I played it in my head afterwards and added more to it. It'd make a cool story or video game or movie..

It was so cool in my room when I woke up, the window was open and it was windy and the fan was blowing. I'm lame. I'm a sucker for nice weather, though. My dad randomly bought a new car. I watched After Dark on ShoToo and kept watching after it was over. There was this movie on after it called Urban Legends: Bloody Mary, which was kinda disturbing in some parts. It basically emulated popular urban legends. One part, this girl gets bitten by a spider and wakes up the next morning to see the bite on her cheek, she pops it, then spiders crawl out of the popped bite like crazy. Like millions of them. Then she bashes her head against the mirror and spiders pour out of her head. It was really disgusting. I fucking HATE spiders. At leas they're only myths. I think I played more Halo after that or something.. can't remember. Then, this movie called The Roost was on when I came back.. I saw the end of it. It was weird.

Slept for only a few hours because I was gonna meet Gaby on Live and my mom wanted me to wake her up at 8:30 so she could take my uncle to his doctor's appointment. Gaby and I had so much fun as usual. This time we actually playe with others in Big Team Slayer and Team Doubles. I normally only play Slayer on Rumble Pit. It was cool to branch out for once, and it's not so bad doing those other games I thought I'd suck at and wouldn't ike. I had Java Monster, an eclair torte and popcorn for breakfast. Lmao. I had been playing in ranked matches since Sunday or Monday and getting my skill level up mainly in Lone Wolves, so I continued with that on Tuesday.. I'm doing good in there. I usually get 2nd place or higher. I wanna get more wins, though.. not just 2nd place all the time.

I met some cool new people, no bratty kids. I sent three of them messages. One of them in particular, I wanted a response from and I had sent him the message while he was offline, and I noticed later that he was online, but did not respond to me, so I was kinda bummed about that. I was feeling sick again later. I think it was from lack of sleep once again. I think I get emotionally and mentally distraught when I'm sleep deprived. I slept until American Idol was 15 minutes over and felt a lot better. Watched AI, then BB9. I'm pissed I missed some of AI. I was pissed at myself again for missing out on a gorgeous day. It was warm and windy.. REALLY windy outside. I LOVE weather like that. The night was still stellar, so I went out and jumped on my trampoline that night. The moon was pretty much full and illuminated the sky. Perfect.

I avoided a potentially bad situation that night when I scratched my Rihanna CD really bad. I was freaking pissed. I tried rubbing it away, but wouldn't dissipate. The CD skipped, too. BAH!! So, I borrowed the DVD resurfacer and THANKFULLY it's good as new. It plays just fine now. Phew. Thank god for DVD doctors.. I was afraid it wouldn't work. I can still see the scratches, but it works nonetheless. I also noticed on Xbox Live's website, that I got a message back from one of the guys I talked to on Halo today. That was cool.

Woke up at 1 today (Wednesday) and went outside and enjoyed the amazing weather. Jumped on the trampoline for a while. It was still warm and windy. About 70 degrees today!I just chilled today.. didn't go on Live yet today. I also took a break from my daily workouts for a bit. I need to get back into that. I can't quit NOW.

Actually, I did go on Live for a minute today. I noticed I had 3 new messages. One of them was a friend request from the one guy I really wanted to hear back from and the other was a message from the third guy I talked to, plus the one from last night. I was happy about that! Surprised, too, because I didn't think he'd respond at all if he didn't respond right away. That rarely happens to me on MySpace. So, I was pretty tickled about that. XD

BB9 pissed me off. I'm so angry that Natalie got evicted! GRR!

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Let's see.. what's been going on in the life me me lately..

I left off on Saturday. Not a lot happened on Sunday. About the most exciting thing that happened was the lightning storm. It thundered and lightninged and rained like crazy. It was pretty cool. It's a nice change of pace from the usual snow and no snow. Most of the snow stayed on the ground, though. I love lightning storms. I'm just not too crazy about them when they're right on me. I prefer them in the distance. I think it's more fun looking straight ahead to watch lightning straight than having the look above. That tends to be dangerous.

Monday wasn't so great. My mom woke me up to tell me that my uncle passed out and was unresponsive. My parents rushed there right away. I was very worried but I went back to sleep after they left. My mom came back home and told me he was fine. Thank god. She told me that he said the respirator he was on made him feel weird, then he became unresponsive and the nurses tried to get him out of that state. He could hear them but couldn't respond, then he blacked out and randomly woke out of it later. Yeah, they sure are responsible caretakers. They're setting a lovely example of how to REALLY take care of people, unlike us who are "negligent" and "unfit." FUCK THEM. Since he's been there, he's fallen once and now this happened. While he was in our care, he's barely had any mishaps. Stupid fucks. Not to mention his "guardian" wouldn't answer any of her phones. My god, what a dumb bitch.

I borrowed Rock Band from my brother. It's a hell of a lot of fun. :D I'm pretty good at it and I'm only a beginner.  I didn't go to sleep again until around 11 am. I found that Richard has another MySpace floating around. One that's way more informative than his other one. So I was pretty thrilled about that. I slept until 6 pm. Lmao. Watched AI for the first time in a while. I hate when all my shows are on at the same time. We're low on VCRs so I can't tape my other shows. Even if I could, I'd be too lazy to ever watch them later. I'm such a retard like that. Luckily they have TV online. Bu really, same rules apply. Then I watched BB. I'm so glad Matty is off the block! I can't wait to see what the new twist is gonna be and what the alarm means. I just saw a commercial about it. They say something about Big Brother not letting the evicted houseguests leave and that that's just the beginning of it! Hope it's juicy!

Did I mention that the nice guy lawyer who interviewed me stabbed us in the back and is actually a gigantic douchebag? He says he believes my uncle is incompetent and should have an appointed guardian. Cocksucking bastard.

For the past few days, I've been serial adding people on MySpace again. I DO NOT do it to boost my friend count, I do it to make new friends. LUCKILY most of them added me back this time! Sweet. My luck is coming back to me. I thought it might have been my new, more optimistic profile and possible outlook and it may be the latter. As for the profile, I accidentally forgot to save that. But I since fixed it. Haha. I hope they actually talk to me. As for the ones who didn't add me, whatever to them. Ruuuuude.

I felt so tired come midnight. I just wanted to go to sleep. Even though I'd only been awake for six hours. I went to bed at about half past midnight.. fell asleep a little after 1.. and woke up at 4. Wow. Three hours. Woohoo. I hate that I can only sleep for 3-4 hours at night, yet during the day I can sleep for half of it. I tried going back to sleep but as always that was a bust. I just stayed awake and kept myself amused.

Lately I've been reminiscing about the good times I had not so long ago. Man, I remember how the end of August 2007 felt. I felt so free and happy. It was like the spell of high school broke and I realized finally that I am an amazing person and I am worthwhile. I became more confident and worked hard on bettering myself in more ways than one. I got to meet my cousin Donnie again. He was a lot of fun to be around. I hadn't seen him since I was 4 so I barely remembered him at all. Apparently I was crazy about him when I was younger. September was more of the same. With school going on without me, it forced me to think about that. I miss the good times I had in school. Especially senior year. I miss 8th hour study hall. I miss my friends, the times I had in school that were fun, of course the crushes. End of September Donnie came back. I was making a lot of new friends albeit online but still. I had my friends around me. I didn't feel lonely at all despite missing Richard like fucking crazy.

Everything felt new and exciting. I turned 19 and I had such a fantastic birthday. Many would consider a great 19th getting plastered with friends and getting laid but I had fun staying up until almost 6 AM; it still being dark out and the moon was directly above my head. It was gorgeous outside, there was a nice breeze. I jumped on the trampoline to celebrate my freedom. Because I could stay up that late and do that now. I didn't have to worry about going back to that oppressive school anymore or ever take orders from anybody again. I felt to alive. With fear of not having a birthday at all, waking up and knowing I'd have one was a lot more exciting. I just went to town with my mom and talked on the phone with friend while she got some gifts. Then later I celebrated my birthday with my family and even some extended family. Donnie left the next day and even that day was good. October remained a great month. I made more friends and even had a memorable Halloween.

End of October, beginning of November I came out of my graduate break early because my mom suggested to me this career path that she knew was right up my alley so I got right to work on that. December, kept working hard at it. I also continued to make friends on other venues. I forced myself to stay positive, even in the line of trouble. I was still able to breathe easy. It wasn't until December ended hat my ease went with it. And I refuse to let negative emotion take precedence of my life any longer.

I guess there are some golden moments in everyone's year. Mine for 2006 that I remember well was in December. I recall always wanting to go back to that month. It was flawless. But it seems like things are on an up hill climb for me. I just hope that's true and that I keep climbing.

I'm quite possibly in the lowest area I've been in my life or at least in a while.

I think back to October of last year, even December and it seems like I was in another world compared to where I am now.. how the hell did I get here? This place I'm in now feels so unrecognizable as to where I was then. It feels like hell. Constantly unhappy, hopeless, never excited for anything anymore. It makes me so furious that everything has to be negative all the time.

A few months ago I was so productive with my project and so excited about it. I was looking forward to success and dreaming of being able to do what I want. Then, a long string of shitty things struck me and suddenly that incline was ripped away from me. I'm at a loss of words to describe how I feel about it. I just want to scream and lose control.

I wish there was some horrible person at the center of this uncanny horrid coincidence so I could hunt them down and make sure they felt every single ounce of pain they caused me and everyone around me. But that's the worst part; there's no one to blame. These events have had both a direct and indirect impact on my life. Hindering me and putting me in a completely dismal state.

I want to do everything I can to turn things around and get myself happy again. I want to be able to look up again. It's not fair to have to deal with everything getting progressively worse every day. I'm starting to not care about anything. I'm not gonna give up on my website. I won't give up on my dream and I won't give up on life. I hate feeling vulnerable and scared. I need to go back to feeling robust and happy again. I'll do anything to return to that.

Jesus H. Christ! I want to be able to fucking see on my goddamn computer! UGGGHHH!!! X_X My mom has been looking it up online for a while now. She says she might have found a few solutions. Let's hope they work.

Donnie went home today. We all woke up early, around 1 in the afternoon to say goodbye. I was a bit cranky because I was tired. Really only to my mom. I apologized for that. I really wish I wasn't such a dick.

I finished off the remaining episodes of The OC. Sigh. I'm bummed now because I'm officially permanently OCless. Maybe I should rewatch again from the beginning. But maybe not. Maybe I should put them away for a long time and watch them again in a few years. If I watch and rewatch the series over and over again, I'll become too used to it and I'll get tired of it. If I wait a while until the next time, it'll be like new again.

Big Brother 9 premiered tonight!! It was really good. I liked it. And After Dark came back with it, too. My mom and I watched it. The gay guys are relatively attractive and some others. The twist is pretty cool. By the time After Dark came on, one couple was already evicted. What's up with that? That annoys me. There has to be another twist, 'cause if they plan on evicting in twos, then the show will be done in eight weeks and it's supposed to run for three months. Hmm.

It feels empty in the house the day Donnie leaves. It's kind of a relief to go back to normal but when he's here, we're all usually in a better mood and fight less. He distracts us from the shitty lives we have and when he's gone it's back to being morose.

I am in desperate need of a male. Man, I need someone like crazy. I'm almost 20 and I never had a boyfriend. Ever. Never even touched one.. like that. Right now, I don't even care if I'm "with" a guy who I can call my boyfriend. Even if it's a one night stand or a hook up. I don't care. I just need some sort of male attention/affection.

I'm technically not back yet. My computer is still a piece of shit. I can barely read what I'm typing, so here we go. I'm only doing this because if I were to wait a couple decades down the road when I finally get this invalid fixed, I don't have to make a ten thousand page update and wrack my brain trying to remember what I did and when. I have OCD like that.

Ever since I got Live, my sleep schedule has changed from normal for other people ; in bed at around 10 - 12, to normal for me; in bed any time after 5 AM. That's not necessarily good. I hate waking up in the middle of the day, a few hours from sunset. Although with the way the weather's been going, I haven't seen the sun in weeks, anyway. Above that, I feel extremely lethargic. My body aches, my head hurts, I feel sick.

But hey, Live is pretty wicked. Which is what I've been doing to kill boredom that being on a working computer usually takes care of, but mostly watching season three of The OC. That covers most of what happened on Monday. I'm improving a lot on my Street Fighter skills, mosly for Live. Competing against other real live people, often ninjas and savants, is a far different story than fighting against the computer. People have the margin for improvement and growth, whereas the margin for a computer is previously set. The story stays the same about me improving for other games, too. I'm getting pretty far in Ecco. I just love classic games. Many times I'd rather play the classics than the new ones.

Ecco is a hard bitch ass game. No wonder I barely got anywhere when I first played it when I was like five. Not to mention traumatizing. Especially to those with arachnophobia. No spiders, but plenty of Octopi and sea spiders. *shudder*

On Live, you have a Rep, which is a representation of your reputation on there. It's calculated in five stars. Everytime you play a game and/or someone marks you as a preferred player, your rep goes up. It fills up a star a little bit at a time. I believe I started off with three stars when I began. Well, I'm close to a full five, so I checked my Rep and yesterday, it said I had 100% positive rating. Well, this time I checked it said I had a 66% preferred rating, and 34% avoided me. I was floored. I didn't get it. I did nothing wrong to anybody. I was nice, didn't cheat. Hell, I even sucked at it compared to those people. What the fuck? What I also didn't understand was why my rating was higher than before if people were setting me as 'avoid'. Another thing is that if you give people a bad rating/avoid them, you have to give a reason. And you have a details section in your rep breakdown, and it gives you a percentage of what people who chose to avoid you gave a reason as to why they did that. You can choose from six reasons, and all mine read 0%. So, I'm completely confused. I thought it was a glitch or a mistake. But it's still like that, and I turned it off and on.

My guess is that maybe someone can choose to avoid you without lowering your Rep. I don't know for sure. I gave one person a bad Rep for talking shit, being an asshole and a bad sport. It says in the help that it 'may or may not affect your rep' if you avoid someone. I can understand separating the two entities, though. I just don't remember having that option. Maybe the next time I play with some douche, I'll pay more attention when I send him a bad rep.

On Tuesday, my mom found a way to secure me a copy of season four of The OC, since it was highly doubtful I'd be able to run and get it before the week was done. She bought it online at Best Buy and it's ready and reserved for me for eight days. I'll be getting it on Saturday. So, I'll probably have it before I'm finished with season three. I'm on disc 4/7.

That's what I did most of the day on Tuesday, too. I'm hella lazy. Just been feeling like shit, you know? Drew called and we talked for like two hours. Unfortunately, I shouldn't do that. That's the reason I got my phone turned off. Using it too much outside of free hours. I only have like less than 220 minutes left. I also watched American Idol and One Tree Hill. OTH is still good, but it's dramatically different from all the seasons. I'm assuming it's different from season four, too. Since I never saw season four. It just seems really toned down and too different. It just jumped into a whole new realm without anyone being able to get used to it.

That night, Megan and I talked for three hours. Longest phone call we had in forever. I'm glad we're able to do that. It's fun being able to talk about stuff and how things were back when we met. All the people we were friends with and who were around back then. That a lot of our friends and the people who we saw consider that one of the best times of their life. And now it's all gone and we're just all depressed about it. I guess the only thing that sucks more about it being gone is that we can't have it back to the way it was. It'll never be the same again.

I had a disturbing dream today. Unfortunately, I can't remember all of it. I remember at one point, some of my brother's friends come over and when I tell them I'm not going to college, they tell me I have to, that I MUST. And I argued with them, telling them I absolutely will not.

Then, another part of the dream, I'm in some room with a bunch of people I've never met. One of them attacks me and tries to stab me with a knife and ends up slashing my left wrist. After that, I left and told them all to stay in the room. I put the knife in the bathroom and bled a little on the counter and I told my brother and his friends what happened. I wasn't all frantic about it or concerned with the people or the person who did it. It was kinda just nonchalant, as I had left someone who tried to kill me in an unlocked room with windows unattended. We all go back there to find that they all left and we go out looking for them. All I remember is that the sun was just below the horizon and there was a gorgeous twilight.

I think I've been having weird dreams a lot lately. I just can't recollect them. Ever since Donnie came here and I've been sleeping in my own uncomfortable bed. I haven't seen or visited with Donnie much since he came here. I've just been feeling so crappy that I've been lazing around my room all day. Usually he leaves before I wake up and when he comes back at night, I'm on the phone or playing games.

Today is no exception. Still boring. Haven't felt like doing anything but getting farther in season three. Yay! I love The OC. I like it a lot more than Degrassi, actually. Okay, well this entry is getting long. I've had a boring three days, and look at how much I can go on about it?

I'm in the middle of the LG15 season 2 finale and eagerly awaiting part 3/4 to be put on the website. It's definitely a good day for me!

My clothes finally arrived. Christmas Part 2 was originally planned for tomorrow, but I'm just too anxious to get my gifts and for it to be done and over with. The whole prospect of it just lost its fun after a couple weeks passed following Christmas. All the drama, bitching, waiting, and bad things happening just ruins everything and it doesn't even feel like Christmas anymore. For all of you that don't know, my family had a mini Christmas on the actual Christmas day due to lack of money; Christmas Part 2 is supposed to be a more fulfilling Christmas..

So, it just isn't even fun anymore. Whatever. So I got to "get" my clothes today instead of waiting to get them tomorrow. Which, we then decided we might as well have CP2 today. My clothes are awesome, by the way. Well, my mom wants it to be traditionally ceremonious, so we're waiting for my dad and brother to get home from work until I open the rest of my gifts. So far I got my clothes, Married With Children season one on DVD and Burnout Paradise. BP is WICKED! I absolutely love it. I'm probably getting XBox Live.. so I'm thinking of a cool Gamertag right now!

Ugh. It was SO nice and bright and clear outside today, and now it's snowing like crazy. Damn snow. Blah. Have a good Friday, everyone!