Woven Cognition

Alright. Here we go again. TRYING TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN MY BORING LIFE!! For the last time on here!

Let's see.. I left off on Easter. Both of my video games are awesome. If I hadn't stated that already. Thank god, too. I was worried they wouldn't be good, knowing my luck..

I still have been kinda paranoid about my health. But I know there's nothing wrong with me, so I just need to convince myself that. I am getting better though, feeling better physically and mentally.

Unfortunately, my sleep schedule keeps getting later and later and because my bed isn't the most comfortable bed ever, I keep waking up with a bad headache and neck pain. Blah.

Well, I'm officially announcing that I am over Richard. I know, I know. It's a huge shock. I bet a lot of you don't even know who I'm talking about, though. Haha. Thanks to GJ going down.  For me, the only thing that can break a crush is another man. But, since I haven't seen Richard in nearly a year, I suppose that'll do it, too.

Now, I'm searching for new guys. I've been making, or attempting to make new friends on MySpace. Hopefully t all works out.

I've been having some vivid dreams again. In one of them, I was in the Big Brother house again. I dunno if I talked about the other one I had a while ago. Anyway, in this one I was in the HOH room and I was stupefied because I was actually in the BB house and I was on TV. It was  a surreal feeling and above all, I was the first HOH of the season. It was pretty cool. XD

One night I had three dreams, the first one I was back in the trailer and there was some homophobe man sitting at the kitchen table antagonizing me and bossing me around and no one in my family would do anything about it, so I got a shotgun and killed him. The next one was interesting, I was at the trailer again and we were being attacked by really fat, evil pigeons. So, me and Kah ran to a truck and we started being attacked, so Kah used her powers to "purify" the truck, which meant making it spin in the air like a tornado to get rid of them. LMAO. So random. The last one I barely remember, I was at my current house and it had to do with my family sitting at the table and my parakeet. That's all I remember.

Brenda, Moriah and I also prank called people on Saturday. Good times for sure! XD

Today was the best day I had in a long time. I woke up early and played on Xbox Live with Gaby and we talked on there. It's been a while since we did that. It was a lot of fun! After that, I listened to music and found a great guy and just chilled out. It was great. I only had four hours of sleep, so I went back to bed after that for a few hours. The weather is amazing. It was supposed to snow, but it didn't.  Woke up, watched American Idol and Big Brother and that special about how you can live to be 150 years old. Yes, it was most definitely a good start to April. Besides having a headache.

New music on MySpace and YouTube videos have been keeping me happy. Yay broadband! I've been way more active on MySpace, too. It really is a lot of fun and I'm also introducing my friends to each other. I love doing that, and I love meeting new friends.



So, this is it, folks. I'm leaving IJ and LJ.. blogging is just becoming too much of a hassle. I just want to live and not have to worry about documenting it. If you want to stay in contact with me, check my userinfo page. Bye!














Gotcha. APRIL FOOLS!!

Man, I have been feeling my stress catch up to me these past couple days. I've been really exhausted lately. It might be me forcing myself to change my sleep schedule to something more convenient, but I become unbearably exhausted by the time 9 rolls around and that's odd. I wake up at 8 - 10 AM.. Soo. I don't get that.

Wednesday was the big ol' twist for Big Brother. I was so excited to see what it was. But RIGHT when the show began, I fell asleep. BAH! My sleep pattern really loves to spite me. I missed about 40 minutes of it. But my mom taped it so I watched that part afterward. We ordered from Fox's 'cause they're amazing. The twist was pretty much what I envisioned and that's a good thing. Earlier, I randomly stumbled upon this Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on Newlyweds parody. It's so funny! I love Ashlee, and I'm pretty sure it's all in good fun. Not to be defamatory. But don't quote me on it. I SAID DON'T QUOTE ME, DAMMIT! Anyway, it's another thing I do to keep me from going back to the Dark Side™ as I have affectionately dubbed my negative moods.

Click. Click. Clicklcickclcicckclcckckck.

Damn the lack of embedding ability. I think the girl playing Ashlee looks so much like Jamie Lynn Spears.

I noticed that this change has caused me to have three new behaviors; mood swings, weird sleep patterns, and nonstop anger. You'll witness some of the latter in a later entry.

Next day was court. Luckily, I didn't have to go. But the hearing didn't go extraordinary. My mom and my uncle's neighbor, not the bad one, gave their testimony but were forced to leave before any of the opposing morons made theirs for whatever reason.. There's another hearing on the 19th.

I can't recall anything else of significance occuring on that day.. besides talking to Gaby, of course. :D Ooh, I'm finally back into watching As The World Turns. I missed that show. I hadn't been able to watch it for over a month. So much shit has happened so it's kinda hard to keep up. I also added this gorgeous guy on MySpace in hopes of being friends with him.

Friday's Degrassi was spectacular. Probably one of the best episodes I've seen in a while. One of the reasons I'm still watching. That and some syndicated shows I like such as Saved by the Bell and Sabrina are the only reasons I'll watch The N once South of Nowhere takes the dive. I passed out around 9. I am not exaggerating when I say that's the earliest I've gone to bed in probably five years at the very least.

Over the past few days I've been feeling myself come out of my depression/breakdown/crisis thing. But one thing I learned is that I guess I'm pretty fragile. Since the simplest things make me freak out as if I were back at the bottom again.

This morning I kinda hit another breaking point. Hot guy denied me. I just became so insecure and doubting of myself. I felt insecure because I so stupidly attach myself to people I literally have NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT. I can see one picture of a good looking guy. And if they're a right type of "good looking," I'll fall in love. It's retarded, I now. I think it's because I love to adorn these mystery men with all these amazing personal qualities and I reimagine it so much that it's like I was fed this information from someone else or that I personally witnessed it. I felt like such a fraud, too. For reasons I don't feel like going into at the moment. I quickly came out of it, though. Thankfully. I'm better now. Thanks to my friends. I made some more friends, too. They're pretty awesome. :D 

Brenda called me from work today and we talked a lot since there weren't many customers there and I talked to some of her coworkers. Lmao. I love her.

( Guess you'll get some ranting after all. )

Let's see.. what's been going on in the life me me lately..

I left off on Saturday. Not a lot happened on Sunday. About the most exciting thing that happened was the lightning storm. It thundered and lightninged and rained like crazy. It was pretty cool. It's a nice change of pace from the usual snow and no snow. Most of the snow stayed on the ground, though. I love lightning storms. I'm just not too crazy about them when they're right on me. I prefer them in the distance. I think it's more fun looking straight ahead to watch lightning straight than having the look above. That tends to be dangerous.

Monday wasn't so great. My mom woke me up to tell me that my uncle passed out and was unresponsive. My parents rushed there right away. I was very worried but I went back to sleep after they left. My mom came back home and told me he was fine. Thank god. She told me that he said the respirator he was on made him feel weird, then he became unresponsive and the nurses tried to get him out of that state. He could hear them but couldn't respond, then he blacked out and randomly woke out of it later. Yeah, they sure are responsible caretakers. They're setting a lovely example of how to REALLY take care of people, unlike us who are "negligent" and "unfit." FUCK THEM. Since he's been there, he's fallen once and now this happened. While he was in our care, he's barely had any mishaps. Stupid fucks. Not to mention his "guardian" wouldn't answer any of her phones. My god, what a dumb bitch.

I borrowed Rock Band from my brother. It's a hell of a lot of fun. :D I'm pretty good at it and I'm only a beginner.  I didn't go to sleep again until around 11 am. I found that Richard has another MySpace floating around. One that's way more informative than his other one. So I was pretty thrilled about that. I slept until 6 pm. Lmao. Watched AI for the first time in a while. I hate when all my shows are on at the same time. We're low on VCRs so I can't tape my other shows. Even if I could, I'd be too lazy to ever watch them later. I'm such a retard like that. Luckily they have TV online. Bu really, same rules apply. Then I watched BB. I'm so glad Matty is off the block! I can't wait to see what the new twist is gonna be and what the alarm means. I just saw a commercial about it. They say something about Big Brother not letting the evicted houseguests leave and that that's just the beginning of it! Hope it's juicy!

Did I mention that the nice guy lawyer who interviewed me stabbed us in the back and is actually a gigantic douchebag? He says he believes my uncle is incompetent and should have an appointed guardian. Cocksucking bastard.

For the past few days, I've been serial adding people on MySpace again. I DO NOT do it to boost my friend count, I do it to make new friends. LUCKILY most of them added me back this time! Sweet. My luck is coming back to me. I thought it might have been my new, more optimistic profile and possible outlook and it may be the latter. As for the profile, I accidentally forgot to save that. But I since fixed it. Haha. I hope they actually talk to me. As for the ones who didn't add me, whatever to them. Ruuuuude.

I felt so tired come midnight. I just wanted to go to sleep. Even though I'd only been awake for six hours. I went to bed at about half past midnight.. fell asleep a little after 1.. and woke up at 4. Wow. Three hours. Woohoo. I hate that I can only sleep for 3-4 hours at night, yet during the day I can sleep for half of it. I tried going back to sleep but as always that was a bust. I just stayed awake and kept myself amused.

Lately I've been reminiscing about the good times I had not so long ago. Man, I remember how the end of August 2007 felt. I felt so free and happy. It was like the spell of high school broke and I realized finally that I am an amazing person and I am worthwhile. I became more confident and worked hard on bettering myself in more ways than one. I got to meet my cousin Donnie again. He was a lot of fun to be around. I hadn't seen him since I was 4 so I barely remembered him at all. Apparently I was crazy about him when I was younger. September was more of the same. With school going on without me, it forced me to think about that. I miss the good times I had in school. Especially senior year. I miss 8th hour study hall. I miss my friends, the times I had in school that were fun, of course the crushes. End of September Donnie came back. I was making a lot of new friends albeit online but still. I had my friends around me. I didn't feel lonely at all despite missing Richard like fucking crazy.

Everything felt new and exciting. I turned 19 and I had such a fantastic birthday. Many would consider a great 19th getting plastered with friends and getting laid but I had fun staying up until almost 6 AM; it still being dark out and the moon was directly above my head. It was gorgeous outside, there was a nice breeze. I jumped on the trampoline to celebrate my freedom. Because I could stay up that late and do that now. I didn't have to worry about going back to that oppressive school anymore or ever take orders from anybody again. I felt to alive. With fear of not having a birthday at all, waking up and knowing I'd have one was a lot more exciting. I just went to town with my mom and talked on the phone with friend while she got some gifts. Then later I celebrated my birthday with my family and even some extended family. Donnie left the next day and even that day was good. October remained a great month. I made more friends and even had a memorable Halloween.

End of October, beginning of November I came out of my graduate break early because my mom suggested to me this career path that she knew was right up my alley so I got right to work on that. December, kept working hard at it. I also continued to make friends on other venues. I forced myself to stay positive, even in the line of trouble. I was still able to breathe easy. It wasn't until December ended hat my ease went with it. And I refuse to let negative emotion take precedence of my life any longer.

I guess there are some golden moments in everyone's year. Mine for 2006 that I remember well was in December. I recall always wanting to go back to that month. It was flawless. But it seems like things are on an up hill climb for me. I just hope that's true and that I keep climbing.

I'm going to make this quick because I'm preparing for the assfuck of the century.

Uhh.. let's see. Woke up from a strangely erotic and elaborate dream, several actually, feeling incredibly ill. My head felt like it was made of lead and my body and stomach ached. That's okay though. When I feel sick I just imagine my men taking care of me.

Today being the 21st of February marks the 11th anniversary of my family moving out of my uncle's house into my current one. What a coincidence that all this shit surrounding my uncle's living arrangements should be happening now. Perhaps things will come full circle and my uncle will move in with us or in his own new trailer.

To celebrate the occasion and to follow the theme of bad luck, my dad was suspended his job for three days for mixing up an order. They almost fired him but didn't. Lucky. My brother and dad are both looking for new jobs because apparently that place sucks.

Watched American Idol and dyed my hair black. I still feel nasty. Blahdy blahdy blah. I wanna do something fun. Laters.

Jesus H. Christ! I want to be able to fucking see on my goddamn computer! UGGGHHH!!! X_X My mom has been looking it up online for a while now. She says she might have found a few solutions. Let's hope they work.

Donnie went home today. We all woke up early, around 1 in the afternoon to say goodbye. I was a bit cranky because I was tired. Really only to my mom. I apologized for that. I really wish I wasn't such a dick.

I finished off the remaining episodes of The OC. Sigh. I'm bummed now because I'm officially permanently OCless. Maybe I should rewatch again from the beginning. But maybe not. Maybe I should put them away for a long time and watch them again in a few years. If I watch and rewatch the series over and over again, I'll become too used to it and I'll get tired of it. If I wait a while until the next time, it'll be like new again.

Big Brother 9 premiered tonight!! It was really good. I liked it. And After Dark came back with it, too. My mom and I watched it. The gay guys are relatively attractive and some others. The twist is pretty cool. By the time After Dark came on, one couple was already evicted. What's up with that? That annoys me. There has to be another twist, 'cause if they plan on evicting in twos, then the show will be done in eight weeks and it's supposed to run for three months. Hmm.

It feels empty in the house the day Donnie leaves. It's kind of a relief to go back to normal but when he's here, we're all usually in a better mood and fight less. He distracts us from the shitty lives we have and when he's gone it's back to being morose.

I am in desperate need of a male. Man, I need someone like crazy. I'm almost 20 and I never had a boyfriend. Ever. Never even touched one.. like that. Right now, I don't even care if I'm "with" a guy who I can call my boyfriend. Even if it's a one night stand or a hook up. I don't care. I just need some sort of male attention/affection.

Yo, yo, yo.

How's it going, everyone? I'm glad so many of you  have found me! There's a lot more stuff I need to "pack up" from GJ. Hopefully I can do it before it buys the farm for good. There's just so many memories I have there, and they're not only in my posts on my journal, but my friends' journals as well.

Let's see.. I've recently gotten back into arcade emulation gaming. XD Since I got DSL now (seven months ago.. but there's still things I haven't done since I got it..), I can download the arcade games much more easily. So, I went to town on a few games. I downloaded Street Fighter II on Wednesday night (Thurs. morning, actually..) and then on Thursday, I downloaded Sonic 1 and 2.. no real differences there.. moreso in Sonic 1, though.

Anyway, Street Fighter II on the arcade is wicked. Apparently, when I download it, I get a bunch of "clones" with it.. which are like hacks of normal ROMs. They did some pretty sweet things with it.

I dunno why, but Thursday was a lot of fun for me. It felt different. Like I came out of the bad atmosphere I had been in for the past couple weeks and I was in a much happier and fun disposition. I suddenly became enthralled with a bunch of guys that I didn't really notice before. GODDD.. I need some male attention. I'm glad I'm gay. =P

It was bitterly cold outside. It was clear out, and very windy. So, the snow was blowing hard, whether or not it was precipitating or not. It was drifting hardcore. It was actually pretty awesome. Someone ended up in the ditch down the road. =X My mom and I shoveled out the driveway. It was literally a pain in the back. Almost had a heartattack because it was so exhausting. But, we got it done in a hurry. It was so cool out there 'cause it was drifting and the moon was out. I love the moon! My neighbor was also snowblowing across the street. Wish he would have done that to our driveway. x_x

Being proactive, I also cleaned out the cans after that. I suggested to my mom that since we did my brother and dad a favor by doing that, we deserve Burger King. XD So, we had them bring some food from there home. They forgot my fries and lettuce on my sandwich. Rawr. Bastards. My mom told me how dysfunctional that place and the employees seem everytime she's went there. XD

I continued with my arcade gaming. :P

I went back to some old traditions today.. like making graphics! Which is a good thing, since I plan to make a living out of it relatively soon. I also got back into As The World Turns. I love that show. I spent a lot of today with my GJ to IJ/LJ transition as well as salvaging some GJ memories. My computer's files are so cluttered. Especially the desktop. So, I cleaned that up and organized my files, now there's no more mess!

I watched Ghost Whisperer and Moonlight later. Those shows are actually really good. They've become my new favorites. Especially Ghost Whisperer. Too bad that when I put in the tape to start taping, I FORGOT TO HIT RECORD. Argh!

My brother called and told me I could play the demo of Burnout Paradise on his 360. Well, when I went to his room in the basement, I noticed some strange squeaking/screeching noise that sounds kinda like a swing set. I made my mom come and listen, but by then, of course it stopped. I thought I was going crazy. Then, when I go back down there with my mom, so she can help me set up the channel, it's going on and we listen to it. We had no idea what it was. But then we figured out it was possibly the gas pipe. Well, when I was playing, when the furnace went off, so did the noise. So that was it. We need to get that fixed ASAP.

Burnout Paradise is okay. But you can't ram people like you can in Revenge. Sigh. But it's wicked cool! =D

A little while ago, I conjured up the lovely background you see here. Do you like it? I just wish IJ had a "fixed background" feature. Rawr! I also made this icon today. Which reminds me; I got my cellphone turned back on tonight at 10:06 pm! After pestering my mom to reactivate it, since we got the money now. My dad doesn't and will never know that the bill costed $300+ dollars. =X Which is the reason why it got shut off and took so long for us to be able to pay for it to turn it back on. My mom made me agree to not go overboard with the minutes again. I can't wait 'til I get my site up and make my own money and have my own phone plan. Then I can buy texting!! Whee!