Woven Cognition

Forgive me for sounding brash.

But if one more homely homo hits on me on MySpace, I'm going to scream.

I'm really frustrated with the fact that I have to break my neck trying to get a hot guy just to look at me even once. And the hot guys that do flock to me end up being unstable in more ways than one. I have to beat off the unattractive and psychotic guys with a stick.

This man wants the full package.

If you're ugly but nice, sorry, I don't care if YOU THINK I sound like a shallow jerk (which I'm not). I'm happy to be friends with you. Nothing more. If you're hot but an asshole. You may be good for a fuck. No strings attached. Or just eye candy. Which can be savored any way I want.

I'd like to believe I'm a good looking, sane, nice guy. Why the fuck aren't the amazing men flocking to me? I'm way nicer and more open minded than most of the dicks that get everyone. Most people judge and look down on you for doing some reprehensible act. Me? I don't care.

Does this mean I have to tone things down? For some reason my personality is raising red flags and fending off the guys I want. I'm not ready to cheapen myself to get guys. But I'd rather do that than settle for some "nice" guy who I'm not attracted to AT ALL or become a male spinster.

After overcoming the spell of that one guy and his supposed ideal clique, I felt that I had come into my own and was finally comfortable with myself and would be the way I felt I needed to be from now on. I wouldn't change myself to be friends with someone or to be with anyone.

But after writing all this I guess I'm no different than I was back then. I'm still willing to change or at least hide myself just to gain attention from someone I want. It's like the long road I traveled was for nothing. Maybe I am a fake.

I gotta say I've been having a pretty decent past couple of days. I've been relying heavily on YouTube to bring me up and YouTube delivered accordingly.

A large portion of my Sunday was spent doing some investigating on two men in particular who currently have my near devoted attention. Well, I had found a lot of information on both. Good information on one, bad information on the other. That's all I can really say for now. Oh, and that led me to witness "2girls1cup." Lmao. NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. WHen it comes to shit like that.. (pardon the pun) or anything kinky, I'm nowhere near being faint of heart. So I just laughed at it. XD

Brenda and I watched Big Brother 9 and afterwards my brother and I ran up to my uncle's house to feed the cats. Well, this visit was very bizarre. The door was pretty well frozen shut. The electricity wasn't working and the furnace was off. The house was freezing. When my brother tried turning on the lap, it flickered and shorted out. The fridge kept trying to start up but would quit. My brother went and messed with the circuit breaker. None of the circuits were tripped. He kept switching them and when he turned one of them OFF, the kitchen lights turned on very dimly. Then all of a sudden they lit up like the fucking sun. I thought the rest of the lights on the lamp turned on, but it was the same two that were dimly lit at first. I also thought a different switch made them brighter but that happened on its own. It was pretty weird and creepy being in a completely dark trailer. Some random asshole could have broken in there. I did hear some weird noises..

Anyway, I fed the cats, my brother told my mom what's going on and we left. The cats are fine and all accounted for. :D There are a number of things that could've happened. That stupid bitch "guardian" of his could have come and shut all that shit off, the shitty neighbors could've fucked with the fuses or someone else did, or the power lines are frozen, or the cold from the lack of an operating furnace has something to do with it.

I spent the rest of the night YouTubing. Mostly on Chris Crocker related videos. Man, there are some really unfortunate people in the world. I'd go into a huge rant right now, but I don't feel like it.

Douche Lawyer Matt came to inspect the house today. He only really glanced at the entry area, the kitchen, family room and the guest room where my uncle would be staying. Then him and my parents talked for the rest of the time. Apparently he's "nice" but still a douche. He's only 27..  And dammit, I fucking missed ATWT because of that! He didn't even bother going in my room. I guess I could've just watched it anyway. Whatever.

The rest of today was spent on YouTube. Chris Crocker is hilarious. He has some great videos that are funny and he proves a good point in some, too. Not all, some videos I don't agree with. Whatever. I also saw some videos of people who are just causing me to lose faith in humanity and this country and everything else ever so quickly.

If I could, I would become a loudmouthed video blogger and voice my controversial opinions to the world and make all those haters cry in shame. I'd challenge any stupid cocksucking basher to come up and try to beat me down. Then I'll laugh when they hit the pavement 'cause nobody schools me, I do the schooling around here. I never back down. You know, I become so humored when little assholes talk shit and think they're better than me or someone else. They try to talk you down and tell you you need to shut up and that they're better than you, that you don't know what you're talking about and that they're the authority on whatever the subject at hand is. But that's not the case at all. I do know what I'm talking about and I do know I'm better than the random shit talker. And no amount of their "educating" will cause me to deter from my opinion. Especially when I know I'm right.

Yeah, I know I have a boring life.

I know I've become a real asshole. I just have to say..

DEAL WITH THAT SHIT! >=D

Man, I have been feeling my stress catch up to me these past couple days. I've been really exhausted lately. It might be me forcing myself to change my sleep schedule to something more convenient, but I become unbearably exhausted by the time 9 rolls around and that's odd. I wake up at 8 - 10 AM.. Soo. I don't get that.

Wednesday was the big ol' twist for Big Brother. I was so excited to see what it was. But RIGHT when the show began, I fell asleep. BAH! My sleep pattern really loves to spite me. I missed about 40 minutes of it. But my mom taped it so I watched that part afterward. We ordered from Fox's 'cause they're amazing. The twist was pretty much what I envisioned and that's a good thing. Earlier, I randomly stumbled upon this Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on Newlyweds parody. It's so funny! I love Ashlee, and I'm pretty sure it's all in good fun. Not to be defamatory. But don't quote me on it. I SAID DON'T QUOTE ME, DAMMIT! Anyway, it's another thing I do to keep me from going back to the Dark Side™ as I have affectionately dubbed my negative moods.

Click. Click. Clicklcickclcicckclcckckck.

Damn the lack of embedding ability. I think the girl playing Ashlee looks so much like Jamie Lynn Spears.

I noticed that this change has caused me to have three new behaviors; mood swings, weird sleep patterns, and nonstop anger. You'll witness some of the latter in a later entry.

Next day was court. Luckily, I didn't have to go. But the hearing didn't go extraordinary. My mom and my uncle's neighbor, not the bad one, gave their testimony but were forced to leave before any of the opposing morons made theirs for whatever reason.. There's another hearing on the 19th.

I can't recall anything else of significance occuring on that day.. besides talking to Gaby, of course. :D Ooh, I'm finally back into watching As The World Turns. I missed that show. I hadn't been able to watch it for over a month. So much shit has happened so it's kinda hard to keep up. I also added this gorgeous guy on MySpace in hopes of being friends with him.

Friday's Degrassi was spectacular. Probably one of the best episodes I've seen in a while. One of the reasons I'm still watching. That and some syndicated shows I like such as Saved by the Bell and Sabrina are the only reasons I'll watch The N once South of Nowhere takes the dive. I passed out around 9. I am not exaggerating when I say that's the earliest I've gone to bed in probably five years at the very least.

Over the past few days I've been feeling myself come out of my depression/breakdown/crisis thing. But one thing I learned is that I guess I'm pretty fragile. Since the simplest things make me freak out as if I were back at the bottom again.

This morning I kinda hit another breaking point. Hot guy denied me. I just became so insecure and doubting of myself. I felt insecure because I so stupidly attach myself to people I literally have NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT. I can see one picture of a good looking guy. And if they're a right type of "good looking," I'll fall in love. It's retarded, I now. I think it's because I love to adorn these mystery men with all these amazing personal qualities and I reimagine it so much that it's like I was fed this information from someone else or that I personally witnessed it. I felt like such a fraud, too. For reasons I don't feel like going into at the moment. I quickly came out of it, though. Thankfully. I'm better now. Thanks to my friends. I made some more friends, too. They're pretty awesome. :D 

Brenda called me from work today and we talked a lot since there weren't many customers there and I talked to some of her coworkers. Lmao. I love her.

( Guess you'll get some ranting after all. )

This video makes me sick.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6alOnuN-wCY

What the fuck? I found it on a news article on a website. I can't stand the fact that people act this way. It makes me really wish I wasn't gay. I do have pride in my sexuality but honestly, with shit like that happening who doesn't wish they weren't gay? It's one of the major reasons I'm afraid to be out. I feel that I must hide my true self and make up lies all the time. I fucking hate it.

There are people commenting under the article. One person says it's "the norm" for that to happen, and it's "just another day on Xbox Live." Uhm.. yeah, right. The norm? FUCK THAT. THAT SHIT SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING. One person said the guy with the name "asked for it," and that sexuality has no place in online gaming. I'm sorry, but if the dude feels the need to have his screen name reflect his sexuality, then that's his business and his right. The guy mentioned also says that it's "shallow to choose a screen name that represents only one aspect of yourself," I think this guy DOESN'T GET that it's an online gaming community, not a gamertag fashion show. People make gamertags based off of whatever the hell they want. One part of me slightly agrees that by having that name, he asked for it. But he's obviously very proud of who he is and doesn't want to hide it. And he definitely shouldn't feel the need to deny himself the name he wants just because of immature retards online. Also, I read that NOT ALL the insults said in the video are actually meant to be hurtful. Also, they come up with things like, "Well, it's to be expected when you play those games that normally teenagers are playing." or "Usually white men in their 20s are racist and homophobic." Uhm, EXCUSE ME? I'm a white man pretty much in my 20s and I'm not a bigot of any kind. And by the way, when they say shit like that, they're only introducing more stereotypes to the mix and promoting narrow mindedness, thus setting us even further back.

Now, I didn't put this up here to give a bad name to the community I'm now part of. Xbox Live is fantastic! Assholes are EVERYWHERE. Contrary to what many of the commentators on that site believe. By the way, I'm having fun on Live! I'm getting used to it. I'm hesitant to use the mic. Lame, I know. I'm just self conscious. And I'm not much of a talker with people I don't know. And during competitions, I'm either silent or yelling like in idiot either in happiness or anger. Lmao. I can't really carry on a random normal conversation and still concentrate on racing in Burnout Revenge like some of these people can. But I'm still a newbie. I'm still hoping I can improve... A LOT!

As per usual in Topherdom, something from the past catches my eye or I'm inadvertently led down a path which leads me to rediscover a gem from long ago. While I was finding Street Fighter II music on YouTube, I found some music from Tekken 3 from the same dude. MEMORIES!! I got all caught up and tried to find all my favorite music from all the Tekken games! Of course, other songs too. I know for sure that I spend more time gamewise in retrospect. I really need to play more Xbox Live! But damn, I don't have a whole lot of games that can utilize Live! Not many that a whole lot of other people play anymore anyway. Guess I'll have to go shopping when I have the chance!

Full article, by the way.

Think I'll send that guy a friend request! :P

Here's a concept I don't understand: denying new friends.

Okay, well it might be just in my nature but I'm one to accept any and all new friends. This goes for LiveJournal, Xbox Live, and especially MySpace. I'm always looking forward to meeting new people. Even if the person is completely unattractive, has nothing in common with me, etc, I'll STILL add them out of courtesy. To me, it's just good manners to do so and it's like an unwritten rule. Kind of like tipping the waiter or the guy who delivers your food. You may not want to, but you do it anyway because you don't want to look like an asshole.

To me, that's what they look like. Assholes. I'll add anybody, even if I would really rather not. It's not like it'll hurt me in any way. No - I won't add someone who is obviously a spam bot. I'm generous, not stupid. Even if we end up not having anything in common, it's not like we're forced to talk to each other. It's just common courtesy to me.

If you deny someone, then well I guess you miss out on having new friends. It's like you're saying you don't want friends. Alright, whatever. People say things like "Don't take it so personally," but how else am I supposed to take it? You're saying, "I don't want to be friends with you," how would you feel if that happened to you? What am I to imagine went through your head when you hit "Decline"? Well, whatever. It's a concept I will never understand.

Cease bitching.