Woven Cognition

Man, I have been feeling my stress catch up to me these past couple days. I've been really exhausted lately. It might be me forcing myself to change my sleep schedule to something more convenient, but I become unbearably exhausted by the time 9 rolls around and that's odd. I wake up at 8 - 10 AM.. Soo. I don't get that.

Wednesday was the big ol' twist for Big Brother. I was so excited to see what it was. But RIGHT when the show began, I fell asleep. BAH! My sleep pattern really loves to spite me. I missed about 40 minutes of it. But my mom taped it so I watched that part afterward. We ordered from Fox's 'cause they're amazing. The twist was pretty much what I envisioned and that's a good thing. Earlier, I randomly stumbled upon this Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on Newlyweds parody. It's so funny! I love Ashlee, and I'm pretty sure it's all in good fun. Not to be defamatory. But don't quote me on it. I SAID DON'T QUOTE ME, DAMMIT! Anyway, it's another thing I do to keep me from going back to the Dark Side™ as I have affectionately dubbed my negative moods.

Click. Click. Clicklcickclcicckclcckckck.

Damn the lack of embedding ability. I think the girl playing Ashlee looks so much like Jamie Lynn Spears.

I noticed that this change has caused me to have three new behaviors; mood swings, weird sleep patterns, and nonstop anger. You'll witness some of the latter in a later entry.

Next day was court. Luckily, I didn't have to go. But the hearing didn't go extraordinary. My mom and my uncle's neighbor, not the bad one, gave their testimony but were forced to leave before any of the opposing morons made theirs for whatever reason.. There's another hearing on the 19th.

I can't recall anything else of significance occuring on that day.. besides talking to Gaby, of course. :D Ooh, I'm finally back into watching As The World Turns. I missed that show. I hadn't been able to watch it for over a month. So much shit has happened so it's kinda hard to keep up. I also added this gorgeous guy on MySpace in hopes of being friends with him.

Friday's Degrassi was spectacular. Probably one of the best episodes I've seen in a while. One of the reasons I'm still watching. That and some syndicated shows I like such as Saved by the Bell and Sabrina are the only reasons I'll watch The N once South of Nowhere takes the dive. I passed out around 9. I am not exaggerating when I say that's the earliest I've gone to bed in probably five years at the very least.

Over the past few days I've been feeling myself come out of my depression/breakdown/crisis thing. But one thing I learned is that I guess I'm pretty fragile. Since the simplest things make me freak out as if I were back at the bottom again.

This morning I kinda hit another breaking point. Hot guy denied me. I just became so insecure and doubting of myself. I felt insecure because I so stupidly attach myself to people I literally have NO FUCKING CLUE ABOUT. I can see one picture of a good looking guy. And if they're a right type of "good looking," I'll fall in love. It's retarded, I now. I think it's because I love to adorn these mystery men with all these amazing personal qualities and I reimagine it so much that it's like I was fed this information from someone else or that I personally witnessed it. I felt like such a fraud, too. For reasons I don't feel like going into at the moment. I quickly came out of it, though. Thankfully. I'm better now. Thanks to my friends. I made some more friends, too. They're pretty awesome. :D 

Brenda called me from work today and we talked a lot since there weren't many customers there and I talked to some of her coworkers. Lmao. I love her.

( Guess you'll get some ranting after all. )

I had two mundane, yet interesting dreams; in one of them, I somehow got a hold of the WHS '07-'08 yearbook. I was surprised to have it in the dream. I didn't think you could have yearbooks for the years after you graduated. I was at the school at the time. The yearbook itself looked  like some paperback textbook from the '80s with a purple and holographic cover. I was way stoked to see Richard in there, but I was gonna wait 'til later to look at him. Unfortunately, I did not own the book as it turned out. My mom was there for some reason and she said she couldn't pay for it. I was pissed.

My next dream was really random. It had an uncorrelated effect on me as far as I can tell. But I was playing Sonic CD, and I made it to the Special Stage and I believe I even questioned its authenticity within the dream. It was different; in dream world Sonic CD, you were always Super Sonic during the Special Stage. The stage itself was like playing Phelios, they were flying above some landscape and Tails was there and Super Sonic looked like normal Sonic except he had wings. I knew that was peculiar. For some reason, gothic lettering floated around the screen. "CD" floated by Sonic and I couldn't tell what was floating by Tails. It was really random. You all probably have no idea what I'm going on about.

For some reason, it left me feeling good when I woke up. My mom woke me up to tell me she and my dad were going to visit my uncle in town again. I guess it just reminded me of simpler, happier times. When all the problems that constantly resonate in my head failed to present itself. I realized it's possible to go back to being happy and prevent bad things from happening. Right now, that's what I'm living on.

Right now, I'm crushing on Jordan Belfi. Props to you if you know who I'm talking about. I'll try not to go overboard. It's just so much healthier and better to not be infatuated with famous people. If I had real men in my life, I could avoid that.

No Air by Jordin Sparks IS SUCH A GOOD SONG! I've been getting a lot of new songs lately. I love it. I have been in dire need of new music. All my current songs were becoming extremely repetitive.

I feel like I'm slowly recovering from my low point. I feel like I'm in the same position I was in two years ago. I had a huge fall out at the beginning of 2006. It was awful. I felt like I would never climb out of it. But I did. I felt so strong and happy after that. I only hope I can come out of this stronger than ever, too.