Woven Cognition

I must say that nothing far from the usual despair has been occurring in my life as of late. Hence the lack of updates. What more can I say of my routines besides Xbox Live and Big Brother 9, which is, as usual, entertaining.

I started rewatching the first season of The OC. It helps me get to sleep. Takes my mind off the bad things. That's ultimately what makes it so hard to get to sleep sometimes.

I know you're all eager to find out what's going on in my uncle's case. Well, my parents went to court on Tuesday. They were not allowed to even speak, but to watch as the judge and every other crooked fucker in the room made it seem as if my uncle was incompetent, which he is NOT. He is hard of hearing and they all did their best to ignore it and ignorantly accuse him of being incapacitated. What a bunch of shit. I fucking hate those people. It is beyond fucked up that they get to have so much control. In any case, they revoked my mom's power of attorney and all her rights of him. He's stayiing in some nursing home,  which means they'll bleed his money and property dry. The bitch over there accused him of having dementia. HE DOESN'T HAVE DEMENTIA! What the FUCK!?

Now there's another hearing on the 6th. All that needs to happen is for his real doctor to say he's not incompetent. I got a court notice in the mail, so that may or may not mean I have to go to court. I don't wanna go. My mom, brother and I went to the house last night and they put some notice on the door saying that it's currently unlivable. As if anyone's gonna go to the house and check it out. The cats are fine. I only saw half of them. The others were probably hiding.I'll only really worry if they're gone for a long time. Apparently when my dad was up there earlier, after he left, one of the douches went there in a red van. The neighbors (not the bad ones) called my mom and told her. She told my dad who said he saw them as they passed him. He went back to go check and they were gone. I love how these assholes trek all the way to the boonies to snap a few pictures. Relentless pricks.

In order to get myself out of a chronic bad mood. I've turned to a chronic outside resource. Do any of you watch Big Brother? I like Matt and Alex. So, I started playing Halo 3 again last night. It was a nice change of pace. I watched some of the recent videos of my games in theater. For some reason, my helmet changes in the last two games of Hammerzeit. Hmm. I'm pissed 'cause I didn't save my first multiplayer videos. =[

My mom and I took out the Christmas tree. That was a lot of fun. x_x

There's a lunar eclipse tonight! So glad it's clear out. I can see it already.

Jesus H. Christ! I want to be able to fucking see on my goddamn computer! UGGGHHH!!! X_X My mom has been looking it up online for a while now. She says she might have found a few solutions. Let's hope they work.

Donnie went home today. We all woke up early, around 1 in the afternoon to say goodbye. I was a bit cranky because I was tired. Really only to my mom. I apologized for that. I really wish I wasn't such a dick.

I finished off the remaining episodes of The OC. Sigh. I'm bummed now because I'm officially permanently OCless. Maybe I should rewatch again from the beginning. But maybe not. Maybe I should put them away for a long time and watch them again in a few years. If I watch and rewatch the series over and over again, I'll become too used to it and I'll get tired of it. If I wait a while until the next time, it'll be like new again.

Big Brother 9 premiered tonight!! It was really good. I liked it. And After Dark came back with it, too. My mom and I watched it. The gay guys are relatively attractive and some others. The twist is pretty cool. By the time After Dark came on, one couple was already evicted. What's up with that? That annoys me. There has to be another twist, 'cause if they plan on evicting in twos, then the show will be done in eight weeks and it's supposed to run for three months. Hmm.

It feels empty in the house the day Donnie leaves. It's kind of a relief to go back to normal but when he's here, we're all usually in a better mood and fight less. He distracts us from the shitty lives we have and when he's gone it's back to being morose.

I am in desperate need of a male. Man, I need someone like crazy. I'm almost 20 and I never had a boyfriend. Ever. Never even touched one.. like that. Right now, I don't even care if I'm "with" a guy who I can call my boyfriend. Even if it's a one night stand or a hook up. I don't care. I just need some sort of male attention/affection.

Doesn't it seem like all I ever update about is how I sit on my ass playing Xbox Live and watching The OC? Well hey, until I start my career as a computer graphic artist, this is one of the last chances I get to be lazy all the time. Sue me. It's entertaining to me.

Yesterday, I did more than that. My entire family, including Donnie, went out to eat. First time I did that in like years. It was a lot of fun. The restaurant was pretty much vacant due to the extreme cold and drifting. It was about 30-40 degrees below zero. It was really nice. I've learned that being with my family isn't always a lame affair and most of the time, dare I say it, is actually pleasant.

After that, I did my usual impenetrable combo of Xbox Live and The OC. Later on, I played a game of Yahtzee with my mom and Donnie, didn't win. Haha. Mainly because I was so tired. But I did pretty well for not having played in like eight years. Dakota, my husky, ripped part of my brother's Samantha Fox poster since he was in the basement due to the cold. He wasn't happy to hear about that today. My mom's getting him a new one from eBay. What would we do without online auctions? More dog drama. When my mom took him back outside, he almost got away. Luckily, he came back to her.

I spent today being my lazy self once again. FEAR freezes on me sometimes. It's only happened twice recently, but it still annoys me. I'm getting close to the end. I truly underestimated that game. I'm also coming to the end of The OC. Sigh. The show ended twice for me. At the end of season three and four. The show is just so different in the fourth season than it was in the previous three. At first glance, I wish the series was still going on but then I realize it was about time for the show to end. Some good shows don't know when to quit and they go on far past its expiration date and then people can't wait for it to be over. I didn't want that to happen to The OC. By the way, I'd totally tap Kaitlin's tennis instructor. DAMN!

Today is Donnie's last full day in Wisconsin. He was gone gambling most of the day with his sister. Ten days seemed pretty daunting at first but now it seems like they flew by and were over before I was ready. Then I remember he came on the day of the Super Bowl and it seems like a long ass time ago. Does that ever happen to you? Two events that happen on the same day, one seems like it happened forever ago and the other seems like it happened a few seconds ago? Or maybe one thing happened recently, and another happened long ago, but it feels like the opposite? Happens to me all the time. I got to spend a lot of time with him, so I'm glad about that. Plus, he'll be back again soon enough. Either in a few months or in July.

Big Brother 9 starts tomorrow!! Well, technically later today but it's still Monday to me. LG15 season three started today, but I didn't watch. Because I CAN'T. Didn't get to watch the Community week shit, either. I'm not so bummed. Didn't seem that interesting to begin with.

Well, I'm gonna go. Seeing as how my last entries were about 120 pages long and I haven't received comments kinda tells me I'm a bit wordy and that no one cares to read about my boring drivel. Sorry about not commenting/reading about you guys recently. Believe me, if I could, I would. Before I forget. We think it's the video card, so we're getting new ones soon. Alright. later.

Time sure does fly when you're having fun. Except I'm not exactly having the time of my life, but I've experienced worse.

I spent some time with Donnie since my last entry. I was worried that my sleep schedule and lack of any positive emotion in my life right now would get in the way of that but it's not.

Thursday was pretty ordinary. Xbox Live, The OC, trying to see shit on the computer and failing miserably. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown at the end of the day but I'm fine now.

Friday was definitely a step up. When I woke up, I had the house completely to myself. Donnie was with some friends, my brother was at work, my mom and dad were in town trying to exchange Rock Band, since the bass pedal broke. I didn't throw a huge party while they were gone. Please. Ever since the college epidemic swept the class of '07, I've been left as the only 19 year old in a 5 mile radius. Congrats to me for being the oldest teen of my town. It's not even about that. Being home alone is fun and allows me to feel free.

All I did was play on Live and talked to friends. I'm a Live addict. I won't lie. Recently, probably as of Wednesday or Tuesday to be exact, I've been playing the normal Campaign of F.E.A.R. I remember I only played so far and not long after I got the game, I quit for a while.

Now, it's what I play most often on Live, which I need to stop. I've been ignoring all my other games and my friends are disappointed. I feel bad. =[ Not just for them, but I'm also missing out on the action and fun. Did I mention I beat Ecco? Hard ass game. I never beat it in one try. I always used passwords. Not this time. Really only because that feature was retconned from this version. I'm proud of myself nonetheless!

I was in a deathmatch with two other dweebs on FEAR and I was totally kicking their ass and they both left the game. Pussies. What the fuck? The one time I'm owning people and they punk out. Well, whatever. I stayed until the end and claimed my victory. Even if it was a solid 12 minutes. They both left by 8 minutes in. I wanted to claim my victory, dammit. And claim it I did.

Megan and Jacob kept calling me at a ridiculous hour. Apparently Sheldon hadn't come home from his date yet, so they figured he was staying at his house. We three-way called Strommen and they left a long message on his voice mail. It was hilarious.

Today, I had the house to myself for the most part, too. Donnie was out, parents went to town, my brother was asleep. I played games. Fun fun. My parents went to town for my uncle and to pick up season four of The OC. I officially have the entire series! Wo0t! When they got back, my brother and I ran to my uncle's to drop off the groceries, fill syringes and feed the cats, etc.

I had NO idea how fucking cold it was here! When I went outside when we were about to leave, it was like a white hurricane out there. It was worse at my uncle's house. The roads near there were pretty much drifted over completely. It was crazy, but it was cool. I love that kind of weather. Just as long as we stay safe. It was really clear out too, which I guess is why we were having that kind of weather to begin with.

There's a new cat up there, he's white and orange and is really big, he's a loud whiner, but really friendly. Haha. I want some of them.

We made it back and we had brother bonding on the ride. We talked about getting stoned, so when I got back, I toked up some. I'm gonna try it again. Try not to get paranoid. So I'm gonna take it slow. Lame, I know, but I can't help it. So I played some more FEAR. I'm getting really far in that game. Got a lot of achievements. Then, I finished off season three of The OC and started on season four. Oh, Marissa. *sigh*

My brother had this game, Dead Rising, that he says he didn't really care for and was going to sell it. Well, before I knew that, I played it and I actually liked it. Hard as a bitch, but I liked it. Initially, he wasn't going to give it to me. But my mom and I talked him into it. Maybe my letting him have the Conker game that I bought and didn't care for without making him pay for it helped him change his mind. Either way, I'm happy.

Donnie still isn't back yet. But there's probably nothing to worry about, the roads are pretty bad and the drifting and winds are pretty violent, so he's probably staying with his friend.

4 am. I should probably get to sleep or something. Bah.

I'm technically not back yet. My computer is still a piece of shit. I can barely read what I'm typing, so here we go. I'm only doing this because if I were to wait a couple decades down the road when I finally get this invalid fixed, I don't have to make a ten thousand page update and wrack my brain trying to remember what I did and when. I have OCD like that.

Ever since I got Live, my sleep schedule has changed from normal for other people ; in bed at around 10 - 12, to normal for me; in bed any time after 5 AM. That's not necessarily good. I hate waking up in the middle of the day, a few hours from sunset. Although with the way the weather's been going, I haven't seen the sun in weeks, anyway. Above that, I feel extremely lethargic. My body aches, my head hurts, I feel sick.

But hey, Live is pretty wicked. Which is what I've been doing to kill boredom that being on a working computer usually takes care of, but mostly watching season three of The OC. That covers most of what happened on Monday. I'm improving a lot on my Street Fighter skills, mosly for Live. Competing against other real live people, often ninjas and savants, is a far different story than fighting against the computer. People have the margin for improvement and growth, whereas the margin for a computer is previously set. The story stays the same about me improving for other games, too. I'm getting pretty far in Ecco. I just love classic games. Many times I'd rather play the classics than the new ones.

Ecco is a hard bitch ass game. No wonder I barely got anywhere when I first played it when I was like five. Not to mention traumatizing. Especially to those with arachnophobia. No spiders, but plenty of Octopi and sea spiders. *shudder*

On Live, you have a Rep, which is a representation of your reputation on there. It's calculated in five stars. Everytime you play a game and/or someone marks you as a preferred player, your rep goes up. It fills up a star a little bit at a time. I believe I started off with three stars when I began. Well, I'm close to a full five, so I checked my Rep and yesterday, it said I had 100% positive rating. Well, this time I checked it said I had a 66% preferred rating, and 34% avoided me. I was floored. I didn't get it. I did nothing wrong to anybody. I was nice, didn't cheat. Hell, I even sucked at it compared to those people. What the fuck? What I also didn't understand was why my rating was higher than before if people were setting me as 'avoid'. Another thing is that if you give people a bad rating/avoid them, you have to give a reason. And you have a details section in your rep breakdown, and it gives you a percentage of what people who chose to avoid you gave a reason as to why they did that. You can choose from six reasons, and all mine read 0%. So, I'm completely confused. I thought it was a glitch or a mistake. But it's still like that, and I turned it off and on.

My guess is that maybe someone can choose to avoid you without lowering your Rep. I don't know for sure. I gave one person a bad Rep for talking shit, being an asshole and a bad sport. It says in the help that it 'may or may not affect your rep' if you avoid someone. I can understand separating the two entities, though. I just don't remember having that option. Maybe the next time I play with some douche, I'll pay more attention when I send him a bad rep.

On Tuesday, my mom found a way to secure me a copy of season four of The OC, since it was highly doubtful I'd be able to run and get it before the week was done. She bought it online at Best Buy and it's ready and reserved for me for eight days. I'll be getting it on Saturday. So, I'll probably have it before I'm finished with season three. I'm on disc 4/7.

That's what I did most of the day on Tuesday, too. I'm hella lazy. Just been feeling like shit, you know? Drew called and we talked for like two hours. Unfortunately, I shouldn't do that. That's the reason I got my phone turned off. Using it too much outside of free hours. I only have like less than 220 minutes left. I also watched American Idol and One Tree Hill. OTH is still good, but it's dramatically different from all the seasons. I'm assuming it's different from season four, too. Since I never saw season four. It just seems really toned down and too different. It just jumped into a whole new realm without anyone being able to get used to it.

That night, Megan and I talked for three hours. Longest phone call we had in forever. I'm glad we're able to do that. It's fun being able to talk about stuff and how things were back when we met. All the people we were friends with and who were around back then. That a lot of our friends and the people who we saw consider that one of the best times of their life. And now it's all gone and we're just all depressed about it. I guess the only thing that sucks more about it being gone is that we can't have it back to the way it was. It'll never be the same again.

I had a disturbing dream today. Unfortunately, I can't remember all of it. I remember at one point, some of my brother's friends come over and when I tell them I'm not going to college, they tell me I have to, that I MUST. And I argued with them, telling them I absolutely will not.

Then, another part of the dream, I'm in some room with a bunch of people I've never met. One of them attacks me and tries to stab me with a knife and ends up slashing my left wrist. After that, I left and told them all to stay in the room. I put the knife in the bathroom and bled a little on the counter and I told my brother and his friends what happened. I wasn't all frantic about it or concerned with the people or the person who did it. It was kinda just nonchalant, as I had left someone who tried to kill me in an unlocked room with windows unattended. We all go back there to find that they all left and we go out looking for them. All I remember is that the sun was just below the horizon and there was a gorgeous twilight.

I think I've been having weird dreams a lot lately. I just can't recollect them. Ever since Donnie came here and I've been sleeping in my own uncomfortable bed. I haven't seen or visited with Donnie much since he came here. I've just been feeling so crappy that I've been lazing around my room all day. Usually he leaves before I wake up and when he comes back at night, I'm on the phone or playing games.

Today is no exception. Still boring. Haven't felt like doing anything but getting farther in season three. Yay! I love The OC. I like it a lot more than Degrassi, actually. Okay, well this entry is getting long. I've had a boring three days, and look at how much I can go on about it?

Yesterday had me worried and happy all the same.

I know I'm headed for a nervous breakdown even though a lot of times, I feel in control. It's those times when I feel like I'm losing it that are building up and will ultimately do me in in the end.

I'm a major hypochondriac; yesterday I saw a bump under my right wrist beneath my skin. I had no idea what it was. It felt hard, like a bone. But me suffering from intense anxiety, paranoia and being a hypochondriac, I thought it was cancer. I FLIPPED OUT. I thought I was fucking doomed.

I was way stressed yesterday afternoon. My parents and brother were in town. I was home by myself. My fucking dog got ahold of something and was gonna chew it up. So I spent an hour trying to get it away from the bastard. Stupid dog. Bah. He needs to be disciplined. Majorly. I called my mom, asking how to get it away from him, but nothing worked. At one point, she randomly stopped answering the phone and I freaked then, because I was worried something bad happened. It sucks to realize that it's come to that point when something as simple as someone not answering their phone, that I completely freak out.

Before they left, my mom and dad looked at my bump and said it was a vein, but I had my doubts. Well, I eventually got it back from the dog. Luckily it wasn't anything important. They came home and brought me back The OC season three! :D I was psyched. And they also bought me 1600 Microsoft points for Live!

I watched the first disc of season three so far. I wanna stave it off as long as possible until I get season four.. And just my luck, my mom just found an ad for Best Buy that all four seasons are available for $17.. MOTHERFUCKER! I wish I would've known that. Instead of spending $40 or $50 bucks on it. Well, guess I'll get season four sometime this week.. YAY! At least I'll get that for $17..

We ordered from Fox's.. and like the last two times, I coincidentally got a major headache when I ate.. I dunno what it is. Bah. Bad fucking luck. Didn't help that I was still obsessing over the fucking bump. I felt fucking nauseous, so I practically passed out. I woke up a few hours later and I had a sleeping headache, or it was from the one that was coming. Felt like I got shot in the head. Took some pills.

It went away quite fast. I had to decide how I would spend my MP.. I wanted to buy Ecco the Dolphin, Street Fighter II, and the new maps for Halo 3.. which would amount to 2000 points.. I wanted the games more than the maps, so that's what I bought. Good news is, is that I'm only 400 pts away from the new maps as well. :D Unfortunately SFII lags like a mofo on Live. Hopefully it won't always be like that..

FORTUNATELY!!! My mom took another look at the bump on my arm and told me it was a TENDON. I was SO FUCKING RELIEVED! I KNEW it felt like a bone. I asked her why it was so pronounced, she tells me it's because I'm a guy, but I told her there was no bump on my other arm and that it wasn't always like that and she suggested it was inflamed. Which made sense because my hand had been hurting after playing a lot of Tekken 2 the night before and it was only a little after that that I noticed the bump. Plus, I've been using my hands a lot.. typing.. gaming especially.. so it makes sense. My other hand hurts a little, too. I put an ice pack on it and it helped the pain go away for a while.

My cousin Donnie's coming today. Hopefully not 'til like midnight. I've been working on cleaning and helping out before he comes. Been working yesterday and today. I only got five hours of sleep. I'm exhausted. I'll take a nap after the Super Bowl, which I'm currently watching now. The halftime show is going to start after the next commercial. GO GIANTS! The commercials have been pretty rad. XD

Well, I'm gonna jet before it starts. Later!

Having the house to myself for a few hours does constitute for a good day in my opinion. I spent it watching soaps on SOAPNet. XD After taking a long shower/bath, of course.

I finally got some McDonald's food I'd been craving for a while. Mmm.. Then I watched American Idol. Today seemed really long and eventful, but I didn't really do a lot at all.

Me and Brenda talked on the phone for a long time. I love that girl. Gaby finally got to see The Countdown! I'm so happy! =D Hopefully she'll be getting an IJ tomorrow!

Earlier today, I was on eBay looking for these cool cellphone cases for my Motorola RAZR. They were hard plastic and clear. My mom helped me find 'em, since she found them before. The first time I saw them, my friend had a red one for her RAZR. I want one or some for CP2. I found some really cool ones, including some green ones I'd been looking for. Soo.. we'll see! =P Luckily, I found out the proper name for those cases are "Crystal cases," or clear, or hard cases. Good to know!

Congratulations to my friend, Jessikah. She gave birth to a baby boy, Connor Elias, today at 3 pm. I love you Kah! I'm extremely happy for you! =] <33333

Goodnight!