Woven Cognition

yesterday was a major flop. it did not turn out as nice as i had anticipated. it started before i even went to bed. man, was i miserable. i thought that my fucking cold would have been done by yesterday, but think it was possibly the most irritating day yet. it was really hard to breathe and i had to keep blowing my nose every two seconds and my eyes were watering a lot. it took me a long time to fall asleep and i only slept for a couple hours.

the n's been playing some old school nickelodeon shows, which is pretty cool. it makes me feel nostalgic, so i looked up some clips from all that on youtube. this one guy posted a bunch of clips from ask ashley. haha. they're still funny. there were some others, too. the next day, yesterday, i went to go look at them again, and some were deleted. a little later on, they were all deleted and the guy's account was suspended due to him having so many copyright infringed videos. seriously, fuck youtube. copyright infringement my ass. what sense does it make that we can't watch those videos online for free, but we can watch them on tv for free?

little miss obsessive's video was supposed to premiere on trl finally yesterday, but did that happen? nope. i was pissed. whatever. i did get to see this gorgeous man on another show on mtv. holy fuck. i almost died. it's so fucking depressing seeing hot guys you know you'll never have. fuck.

my mom and i argued about me looking for some shit that i had no clue where it was, and she refused to help me. argh. it's no big deal anymore. i looked and couldn't find it. she said it wasn't really that necessary to have, anyway.

i was too bored to play on xbl last night. lately, no one's been on there or no one's been playing halo. it kinda sucks. everyone's playing cod4 or gta4. so, i killed the boredom by watching the unadvertised 24+ hour marathon of zoey 101. i guess they heard my inside joke of the episodes lasting for days at a time. or they were promoting the series finale.

today was much better. my brother gave me this screen recorder, so i can record things from youtube and wherever else. yay! not so much happened today, really. but it is better than being miserable. i watched the series finale of zoey 101. aw. =[ i just started watching it, too. it was good, though.

tomorrow i get my new tv. =] i'm psyched. i gotta clean it up, still. something tells me i'll have more than enough time to do that tomorrow, though. but, i'll still do it tonight, most likely.

mannnnn.. it was real shitty out most of today. then, it was foggy and come dusk, the fog lifted and it was gorgeous outside and it became windy. goddd. i love it. later, folks.

i feel much better today. =]

oh and in case you're wondering, 'cause i know you were, my left shift key broke. i refuse to bother using the right shift key, because i am left shift key oriented. only.

Happy Leap Day everyone. It seems like forever since the last Leap Day. Kinda weird to think that this day won't exist next year or until 2012. I have not been having a good week. I never talked about how my phone interview with the lawyer, did I? Well his name was Matt and he seemed nice. He wasn't an asshole or anything and he wasn't trying to find dirt to get on us or my uncle. It wasn't long, either. I was way more stressed the day before the actual interview. One the day I actually did it, I just woke up and a few minutes later he called and I got it done before my brother even came upstairs. I was gonna let him do it first, but I just nipped it in the butt. I like getting things over with as fast as possible, anyway. He just asked me if I think he's able to make his own decisions, what my opinion on the situation is, if I had anything to say, and finally if I wanted to assume power of attorney over him, which I said yes to. I took a nice nap after that.

I had a breakdown Thursday morning. I hadn't slept since I woke up on Wednesday and I felt nauseous. I've been stressing and freaking out about shit. I have a huge fear of death and lately it's all I ever think about. I hate it. I'm so afraid of if or when it'll strike me or my family and what happens after we die. It just freaked me out. This has been happening for years. But now it seems to be greatly inflated. I'm a hypochondriac and I'm always checking myself over for signs of illness or disease and I'm driving myself insane. I know I'm about to break. After the breakdown, I went to sleep. I felt delirious. I felt way better after waking up.

My brother and dad are both sick and have missed work most of this week. First it was my brother, then it was my dad. When I woke up on Thursday night, my mom and dad went to town to pick my brother up from work because he was sick. I had the house to myself and time to distract myself  from my depression and get myself back on track.  I'm gonna do my best to have a normal and happy and normal life and forget about death. It doesn't have to be on my mind.  I felt stronger, but I know it's temporary. I'm not over it. But maybe it's a sign of growth. I hope so.

Strommen's Facebook was "hacked" last night and his profile pic was of two guys groping each other and his "interested in" field said "Men" and it was hilarious. I told him that I called it. When he found out, he freaked out and was like "Oh my god, ignore all that! I'm so pissed at the drunk bastards who fucked up my profile! I left Facebook on while I took a midterm!" Yeah, okay. I think he just had a moment of feeling daring enough to share with the world his sexuality, then he chickened out. Haha.

I set my alarm to wake up today at 9:25, which I realize now that that was already pushing it late, so I could meet Gaby on Live, but I felt really horrible. I was so tired and dizzy and I tried so hard to keep myself awake but I ended up crashing. I slept forever. I think all this mental and emotional strain is calling for some recovery so I slept for what seemed like a long time. It wasn't as long as I thought, it was just that I was in a very deep sleep. My mom woke me at around 11 to tell me that she and my brother were going to the lawyer's office for the interview and that the lawyer told her I didn't have to go. I was so happy! I slept in a deep sleep until 3:30 and they still weren't back. My dad stayed home from work. They came back and then my mom and dad went to my uncle's house. Apparently the cats got into the house and are shitting and pissing everywhere. Shit. I can't remember in what time frame, but I kept waking up and falling back asleep and it took  me FOREVER to get up and stay awake. I could've just slept for days. I was exhausted.

The house is being inspected by a lawyer and the health dept. or some shit in the near future. FUCK THEM! It's cleaning time, dammit.

I totally downloaded Jumper. It's sooo good! It took me about a half a day to get it. My fucking computer kept going into standby, which may or may not have slowed it down. Piece of shit. Argh. But I have it nonetheless. I just wish I could watch it better. With four bars on the screen, I feel like I'm watching it through a jail cell. Hayden is teh sex.

I'm now on playing gratuitous amounts of Burnout Paradise. I went from a D license to a B license in a matter of hours. I'm halfway to my A license! Yay! I love that game, it's a lot of fun to play. Can be frustrating as hell, too. On my breakdown day, I watched House Calls for the first time, the Big Brother talk show. It's a fun show. I wish I would've started watching sooner.

One last thing: HOW SHITTY IS IT THAT SOUTH OF NOWHERE IS ENDING SOON!?

I'm technically not back yet. My computer is still a piece of shit. I can barely read what I'm typing, so here we go. I'm only doing this because if I were to wait a couple decades down the road when I finally get this invalid fixed, I don't have to make a ten thousand page update and wrack my brain trying to remember what I did and when. I have OCD like that.

Ever since I got Live, my sleep schedule has changed from normal for other people ; in bed at around 10 - 12, to normal for me; in bed any time after 5 AM. That's not necessarily good. I hate waking up in the middle of the day, a few hours from sunset. Although with the way the weather's been going, I haven't seen the sun in weeks, anyway. Above that, I feel extremely lethargic. My body aches, my head hurts, I feel sick.

But hey, Live is pretty wicked. Which is what I've been doing to kill boredom that being on a working computer usually takes care of, but mostly watching season three of The OC. That covers most of what happened on Monday. I'm improving a lot on my Street Fighter skills, mosly for Live. Competing against other real live people, often ninjas and savants, is a far different story than fighting against the computer. People have the margin for improvement and growth, whereas the margin for a computer is previously set. The story stays the same about me improving for other games, too. I'm getting pretty far in Ecco. I just love classic games. Many times I'd rather play the classics than the new ones.

Ecco is a hard bitch ass game. No wonder I barely got anywhere when I first played it when I was like five. Not to mention traumatizing. Especially to those with arachnophobia. No spiders, but plenty of Octopi and sea spiders. *shudder*

On Live, you have a Rep, which is a representation of your reputation on there. It's calculated in five stars. Everytime you play a game and/or someone marks you as a preferred player, your rep goes up. It fills up a star a little bit at a time. I believe I started off with three stars when I began. Well, I'm close to a full five, so I checked my Rep and yesterday, it said I had 100% positive rating. Well, this time I checked it said I had a 66% preferred rating, and 34% avoided me. I was floored. I didn't get it. I did nothing wrong to anybody. I was nice, didn't cheat. Hell, I even sucked at it compared to those people. What the fuck? What I also didn't understand was why my rating was higher than before if people were setting me as 'avoid'. Another thing is that if you give people a bad rating/avoid them, you have to give a reason. And you have a details section in your rep breakdown, and it gives you a percentage of what people who chose to avoid you gave a reason as to why they did that. You can choose from six reasons, and all mine read 0%. So, I'm completely confused. I thought it was a glitch or a mistake. But it's still like that, and I turned it off and on.

My guess is that maybe someone can choose to avoid you without lowering your Rep. I don't know for sure. I gave one person a bad Rep for talking shit, being an asshole and a bad sport. It says in the help that it 'may or may not affect your rep' if you avoid someone. I can understand separating the two entities, though. I just don't remember having that option. Maybe the next time I play with some douche, I'll pay more attention when I send him a bad rep.

On Tuesday, my mom found a way to secure me a copy of season four of The OC, since it was highly doubtful I'd be able to run and get it before the week was done. She bought it online at Best Buy and it's ready and reserved for me for eight days. I'll be getting it on Saturday. So, I'll probably have it before I'm finished with season three. I'm on disc 4/7.

That's what I did most of the day on Tuesday, too. I'm hella lazy. Just been feeling like shit, you know? Drew called and we talked for like two hours. Unfortunately, I shouldn't do that. That's the reason I got my phone turned off. Using it too much outside of free hours. I only have like less than 220 minutes left. I also watched American Idol and One Tree Hill. OTH is still good, but it's dramatically different from all the seasons. I'm assuming it's different from season four, too. Since I never saw season four. It just seems really toned down and too different. It just jumped into a whole new realm without anyone being able to get used to it.

That night, Megan and I talked for three hours. Longest phone call we had in forever. I'm glad we're able to do that. It's fun being able to talk about stuff and how things were back when we met. All the people we were friends with and who were around back then. That a lot of our friends and the people who we saw consider that one of the best times of their life. And now it's all gone and we're just all depressed about it. I guess the only thing that sucks more about it being gone is that we can't have it back to the way it was. It'll never be the same again.

I had a disturbing dream today. Unfortunately, I can't remember all of it. I remember at one point, some of my brother's friends come over and when I tell them I'm not going to college, they tell me I have to, that I MUST. And I argued with them, telling them I absolutely will not.

Then, another part of the dream, I'm in some room with a bunch of people I've never met. One of them attacks me and tries to stab me with a knife and ends up slashing my left wrist. After that, I left and told them all to stay in the room. I put the knife in the bathroom and bled a little on the counter and I told my brother and his friends what happened. I wasn't all frantic about it or concerned with the people or the person who did it. It was kinda just nonchalant, as I had left someone who tried to kill me in an unlocked room with windows unattended. We all go back there to find that they all left and we go out looking for them. All I remember is that the sun was just below the horizon and there was a gorgeous twilight.

I think I've been having weird dreams a lot lately. I just can't recollect them. Ever since Donnie came here and I've been sleeping in my own uncomfortable bed. I haven't seen or visited with Donnie much since he came here. I've just been feeling so crappy that I've been lazing around my room all day. Usually he leaves before I wake up and when he comes back at night, I'm on the phone or playing games.

Today is no exception. Still boring. Haven't felt like doing anything but getting farther in season three. Yay! I love The OC. I like it a lot more than Degrassi, actually. Okay, well this entry is getting long. I've had a boring three days, and look at how much I can go on about it?

Blah. I'm sick.

I'm about to go and watch the Green Bay Packers play the New York Giants. The second football game I actually paid attention to. XD The first one was last weekend. GO PACKERS!! They will win. =P

Well, yesterday was very lazy. My parents were in town most of the day doing Christmas Part 2 shopping. I was planning on going shopping with my brother after they got back.. but he was doing something else. Argh. He's ditched me in doing this for DAYS! Whatever..

I watched this show called Psych on USA. It's a good show! I need to add it to my shows to watch. I plan on boycotting The N relatively soon. My once favorite network is now one of the shittiest in my opinion. I thought that when it went 24/7, it'd be smarter, but it only made room for more stupidity. Instead of perpetuating their original programming, they're cancelling most of it, and flooding the channel with Nickelodeon reruns. If I wanted that, I'd just tune to Nickelodeon. God. Also, they're cancelling a bunch of their pending series. Well, whatever. I'll laugh when all they have left is Degrassi and Nick shows.

I got food from Fox's last night. Love that place. I really didn't do a whole lot after that.. just messed around with IJ and LJ trying to get the perfect layouts and stuff.

My American Eagle clothing my mom ordered for me never arrived yesterday when it really should've.. the shipping place must've closed or something. Strange.

It's a great night to have a football game in Green Bay. It's freezing out and there's a full moon! The elements are definitely on our side tonight!

Me and my brother aren't going shopping tonight, either. The heater in his car blew. Sooo.. I dunno when we'll do it. Maybe he should just do it. I feel like shit, anyway. I feel terrible.. =/

Last night was when my sickness began. Strommen called me at 3:24 AM. He was apparently "drunk," and he thought I called him. The missed call beep coming from my phone was in my dream and eventually, it woke me up an hour later. I forgot what the hell I was dreaming about, too. But I remember it was interesting. I couldn't get back to sleep after that until about 7:22 am. I felt awful.

Well, the game's about to begin. GO PACKERS!!

Yo, yo, yo.

How's it going, everyone? I'm glad so many of you  have found me! There's a lot more stuff I need to "pack up" from GJ. Hopefully I can do it before it buys the farm for good. There's just so many memories I have there, and they're not only in my posts on my journal, but my friends' journals as well.

Let's see.. I've recently gotten back into arcade emulation gaming. XD Since I got DSL now (seven months ago.. but there's still things I haven't done since I got it..), I can download the arcade games much more easily. So, I went to town on a few games. I downloaded Street Fighter II on Wednesday night (Thurs. morning, actually..) and then on Thursday, I downloaded Sonic 1 and 2.. no real differences there.. moreso in Sonic 1, though.

Anyway, Street Fighter II on the arcade is wicked. Apparently, when I download it, I get a bunch of "clones" with it.. which are like hacks of normal ROMs. They did some pretty sweet things with it.

I dunno why, but Thursday was a lot of fun for me. It felt different. Like I came out of the bad atmosphere I had been in for the past couple weeks and I was in a much happier and fun disposition. I suddenly became enthralled with a bunch of guys that I didn't really notice before. GODDD.. I need some male attention. I'm glad I'm gay. =P

It was bitterly cold outside. It was clear out, and very windy. So, the snow was blowing hard, whether or not it was precipitating or not. It was drifting hardcore. It was actually pretty awesome. Someone ended up in the ditch down the road. =X My mom and I shoveled out the driveway. It was literally a pain in the back. Almost had a heartattack because it was so exhausting. But, we got it done in a hurry. It was so cool out there 'cause it was drifting and the moon was out. I love the moon! My neighbor was also snowblowing across the street. Wish he would have done that to our driveway. x_x

Being proactive, I also cleaned out the cans after that. I suggested to my mom that since we did my brother and dad a favor by doing that, we deserve Burger King. XD So, we had them bring some food from there home. They forgot my fries and lettuce on my sandwich. Rawr. Bastards. My mom told me how dysfunctional that place and the employees seem everytime she's went there. XD

I continued with my arcade gaming. :P

I went back to some old traditions today.. like making graphics! Which is a good thing, since I plan to make a living out of it relatively soon. I also got back into As The World Turns. I love that show. I spent a lot of today with my GJ to IJ/LJ transition as well as salvaging some GJ memories. My computer's files are so cluttered. Especially the desktop. So, I cleaned that up and organized my files, now there's no more mess!

I watched Ghost Whisperer and Moonlight later. Those shows are actually really good. They've become my new favorites. Especially Ghost Whisperer. Too bad that when I put in the tape to start taping, I FORGOT TO HIT RECORD. Argh!

My brother called and told me I could play the demo of Burnout Paradise on his 360. Well, when I went to his room in the basement, I noticed some strange squeaking/screeching noise that sounds kinda like a swing set. I made my mom come and listen, but by then, of course it stopped. I thought I was going crazy. Then, when I go back down there with my mom, so she can help me set up the channel, it's going on and we listen to it. We had no idea what it was. But then we figured out it was possibly the gas pipe. Well, when I was playing, when the furnace went off, so did the noise. So that was it. We need to get that fixed ASAP.

Burnout Paradise is okay. But you can't ram people like you can in Revenge. Sigh. But it's wicked cool! =D

A little while ago, I conjured up the lovely background you see here. Do you like it? I just wish IJ had a "fixed background" feature. Rawr! I also made this icon today. Which reminds me; I got my cellphone turned back on tonight at 10:06 pm! After pestering my mom to reactivate it, since we got the money now. My dad doesn't and will never know that the bill costed $300+ dollars. =X Which is the reason why it got shut off and took so long for us to be able to pay for it to turn it back on. My mom made me agree to not go overboard with the minutes again. I can't wait 'til I get my site up and make my own money and have my own phone plan. Then I can buy texting!! Whee!

I had a much better day today than yesterday. The refinance money FINALLY came to us in the mail today. It was funny, because my mom stepped out for a few minutes and asked me to watch for the UPS guy to come and sign the paper if she wasn't back in time. Well, she came back and they hadn't come yet. We saw the UPS truck go down the lane next to my house, and my dad opened the door and there it was in the doorway. I KNEW I heard a noise of some sort. Strange they didn't ask for a signature, or even ring the doorbell at least. But, whatever. I'm not complaining.

Well, last week Friday I was looking at AE.com at the clothes I wanted for Christmas part 2, and the prices were at an incredibly low price! So I told my mom about it ASAP, and I even found another shirt for a good deal. They were only available on the website, but my mom didn't have enough money in her account to pay for it. So, we had to wait 'til today to buy them. I was worried they'd no longer be available, but they were. And she ordered 'em. Wo0t!

My brother got an XBox 360 Elite. I'm jealous, but it's cool! Then we got food from Fox's. Oh my god, their food is orgasmic. I love ordering from there. I was stuffed. It's rare that that happens to me. I spent the day watching SOAP Net. Lmao. Then I watched American Idol. Entertaining as always. And some hot guys went through. Yay! I hope there's even more that'll stick around for a long time!

I had an enormous headache today, and I ended up taking a lot of aspirin for it. Finally, it's gone. Watched One Tree Hill also. I need to watch the 4th season. This season is so much different than the others, but it's good. By the way.. Omgwtfk-fed?

P.S. I miss Richard. ;_;